Thursday, December 1, 2016

Spent

Spent [spent] verb
1. simple past tense and past participle of spend.
2. used up; consumed.
3. tired; worn-out; exhausted.

I had an epiphany today. Of course this is nothing new, because epiphany is one of my favorite words. May over the last decade have just been impressed that I spell the word correctly, but epiphanies are the very items that have changed the path I walk on often. Before the epiphany can be explained let me explain what my mornings are like, so that one can understand where an epiphany like this can be drawn from.

I wake up at 4 am on a normal working day. Today is not a normal working day, so I woke up at 8 am which is 4 hours past normal and that should tell you something. I grab my laptop and my tablet and I get back into bed with a tumbler full of yesterday's coffee. I read the 300 or so comments I get on various social media, and I make sure that my daily quote gets into the People and Quotes collection on G+ which now has a little over 325,000 followers. Why? I don't know it just does. I then cull through the people who have interacted with my G+ posts and then do my best to spread the love around their posts. This takes about an hour and I then shower and hop in the car to make it to work by 6 am.

This is just what I do, and it's sometimes a chore considering that my G+ hasn't worked in over 9 months. This is why you see comments from people scolding me because my plusses don't show up. Why you often here me complaining because I get hundreds of plusses a day and they don't get added to my blogs. Of course I have realized that they do get added to my blogs, just not to the blog itself anymore. If you look through the comments you will see that the comments now get hundreds of plusses and the blog itself does not anymore. Oh well I actually stopped caring about these things a while ago, but it's nice to know what really happened. I have done my best to paint a happy picture and I have plodded along.

Honesty would be that in the last 3 years, I lost my children, I lost my dog and my home life has deteriorated to the point where I often just feel like there is no safe place for me to be. The blogs and the normalcy of doing my online things keep me together. How sad is that? I can only imagine what one would think of someone with such a meak and bleak existence, but it is what I have and it is the parameters under which I have to work.During that same period of time I have watched my career go through the glass ceiling, and unfortunately have become the goto guy and often the fixer of problems. Often to the point of being so tightly wound that I couldn't squeeze a frozen pea through my ass.

Think about that for a moment. I go to a job that I am good at and it is crushing me under the weight of responsibility, and the lack of responsibility that my co-workers display, and then I go to a place most would call home that I want nothing to do with. It's killing me and worse than that, I haven't had a vacation in so long because I have been afraid to go on vacation because of how bad things would get with me gone. The real reason is because of how bad things get when I am not at work, both at work and outside of work. Waking up every morning to the normalcy of my stupid unproductive online pattern is probably the only thing that keeps me centered. Now that has to end too.

I am totally spent. Physically, mentally and definitely spiritually. Today I start a two and a half week vacation. The first part of it will be a cruise which has some terrifying dynamics too it, and the second part is where I go and find out if my butt cancer has come back, and if so can it just be easily removed like last time. I don't even know how to vacation properly but as I think I have admitted here quite effectively, I don't even know how to "life" properly. In either regards I will have to find times here and there just to get my daily quotes uploaded, and the rest of the time, people probably won't even notice I am gone. Of course I would hope for the sake of all of your sanity that don't realize I am gone. It' no way to live really.