Monday, December 21, 2015

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2015 #5


It hasn’t always been easy marrying into a family of lunatics, most of which hell-bent on destroying the world and of course the one I share a bed with completely delusional about protecting some place called Megalopolis from the rest of the lunatics. Of course I love him dearly and some of the rest of them in their own way are somewhat endeared to me. Well, that and a little distance between us and the majority of the lunatics hell-bent on destroying the world didn’t hurt either.

These days I simply smile as the wild imaginations are displayed, I take care of my home, and I have accepted a domestic existence. Actually my husband would be the first to tell you that I have excelled at it between his crazy stories of TOKE and Mophaqa Al-Queholic or any of the other silly things that leave his fingers and make it out into blogville. Often as strange as the whole thing sounds as he throws out another tale, I just smile and pretend to be interested. That is what a good wife would do, and as I wait and wonder why he hasn’t gotten home yet for dinner, I hear a strange ringing coming from the computer room where that tardy husband spends most of his time.

Yes, the sound actually sounds like one of those telephones that I had growing up with the big dial and a set of ringers inside of it that the metal hammer rattles against. It’s even more annoying as I search for it in the closet; it’s probably one of those stupid practical jokes that the big oaf tries to play on me and almost always fails. Then again as I move the pile of old coats in the corned there it is, a bright red phone of all things with no rotary dial or buttons on it at all, just a receiver, and a red bulb on the front flashing as the deafening ringer continues.

As I grab the headset (I think that is what they were called) I pondered what kind of stupid prank my husband is trying to get away with this time. Who knows really, but as I lifted the headset (that doesn’t sound right does it) I didn’t even bother to say anything, I just stood there waiting to see what would happen, and all I could hear was a strange humming sound like the old tube televisions used to make. How incredibly odd?

“Hello Mrs. Daddyman this is the president of the United States, Barack Obama,” oh please this has got to be the stupidest stunt ever, “We unfortunately have an emergency that will require skills, strength, and intelligence,” well that would explain why he isn’t talking to Mr. Daddyman assuming this isn’t the mother of all pranks, “We have intelligence that a certain someone who might be of interest to you is being held by his arch nemesis’ out at the south pole,” oh please.

“Look, I am impressed by how far my husband would go for this Christmas prank, but penguins and the south pole, don’t you think that is getting a little old?” I said into the receiver. I mean whoever is impersonating the president’s voice has the cadence down perfectly and all, but I wasn’t born yesterday. No actually I was born a little over a week ago, and I have important things to do.

I have a feeling that whoever is on the other end of the phone didn’t even stop talking to hear what I said, “we wouldn’t think of sending you down to the South Pole …”

“SOUTH POLE!? Are you nuts? I can barely take the crap weather here in New Hamp ..”

Yep deaf ears, “my best people will be accompanying you to save Santa Claus,” oh great Santa, “and perhaps even bring back the Superdaddyman assuming he didn’t get his hand caught trying to grab onto something shiny,” well that does kinda sound like him doesn’t it, “a car will be there soon to pick you up and take you to the Tradeport,”

“Ok, real funny Winky, I’ll go to the door where you will be …” and an abrupt click, as the phone has obviously been hung up on me. How rude?

I’ve had enough of this by now, so I went into the kitchen and turned off the oven. Just because he is pulling a prank doesn’t mean he deserves burnt dinner. Now of course there is a rapping at the door and I am no longer in the mood at all, the dog is going crazy, and I am going to have to put my husband in his place as I storm to the door. Swinging the door open I just espouse, “What?!” and even the dog went silent after that.

The two men at the door wearing black suits, with matching ear pieces in were a bit intimidating, the fact that they didn’t say anything and just grabbed me by the arms was a little over the top, I have to say. I did my best to wriggle free from them, but I am just a little peanut after all. “Don’t make me use the spray Mrs. Daddyman,” one of them said, and I gave up.

“Can I at least grab a jacket?” I asked and there wasn’t an answer as I was dragged to a rather sweet looking limousine. At least my idiot husband went all out on this prank didn’t he?

Unceremoniously I was tossed into the back seat of the limousine, and as I managed to scramble my balance in the seat I could see that I was not alone. No it appears that my husband really knows how to throw a prank as sitting across from me is someone who looks incredibly familiar. I started laughing because there is no way that I am sitting across from the first lady of the United States, I mean my husband isn’t exactly a fan, “Well hello Michelle, how are you today?”

“I’m glad you asked, I’m pissed off that I have to go to the South Pole, how about you?” … to be continued