It’s a very rare time in my life where I am actually perfectly happy with myself. It’s strange but I don’t have too many bad days, and when I do I tend not to have two bad ones in a row. I have that strange advantage of being perfectly happy with what I do and what I accomplish, which you just can’t pass on to anyone else no matter how hard you try. This was an odd weekend in itself where I accomplished quite a bit, and most senses of accomplishment were pretty short lived. It appears that our dog is probably not much longer for this world. I am not happy about this, but I am starting to feel like there is nothing I can do about it either.
I tried to give her a good life, and my pro-life stance on just about everything is stretched thin. It makes me feel like a hypocrite that I can’t muster the strength to go through this again with another dog, and it makes me a bit sad and questioning of myself. She’s sick, she’s messy, she’s expensive, and she’s been causing what few problems there are between myself and my wife, and I feel so selfish. It was the perfect way for me to ruin my own productive weekend that I just haven’t been able to get the pills in the dog, keep her food down if I do, or keep her from waking up the neighbors. Amazingly enough I still like the dog and want her to live despite the fact that I think she is on the way to giving up, just like the last one did.
Where does this leave Jeremy the hypocrite? Well it leaves me powerless over a process that is as old as the life on the planet is. Things are born and they die, usually in that order, but unfortunately not always. As a tinkerer, I used to see a problem that could be fixed and now I see the inevitable problem that plagues everyone whether they spend the bulk of their time fixated on it or spend hardly any time at all considering it. All things have a life span and someday you have to say good bye. This is a strange place to be in since I never had the years of life that the dog had, and really only became a part of this animal’s life in the last third of it. It was a terribly unfortunate and short time to get to know a creature and then to have to say good bye to it, slowly but surely.
This is a conundrum of sorts that I deal with today. The dog is a life that seems to like me and the wife enough to want to be around while at the same time seems to be losing the will to live. She has definitely lost the ability to keep food down, and the ability to control her bladder. I just don’t know. There is the part of me that wants her to live as long as she wants to and there is the part of me that selfishly looks at responsibility and just wants to throw in the towel. I still enjoy watching her do trivial things and her tail starts wagging like she has an imaginary friend telling her it is what she should do. I will continue to say what I have been saying all along, “Your time not mine, Lord. Amen,” and finish today before working on tomorrow.