Monday, June 22, 2015

The Battle of Mt Finkerbean

Now it is truly difficult for the modern human being to understand conflict in the sense that I do. We’ve grown up watching Disney movies, and there have been many movements in the world at large trying to change the human views on God’s creatures, or the prism of society that at one time would understand the innate nature of beings. I have at times in my life suffered through these same moral and ethical issues that many find themselves inundated with. Yes I would come off to most as a heartless God fearing, science denier, but I have had my times where my activism interfered with ease and efficiency. To this day I have still never forgiven Proctor & Gamble for their unnecessary animal testing, and cruelty based products. I have dabbled in the vegan. I have even gone as far as to given up hunting for lent early in life. Then I became a home owner, and things changed a bit, as reality set in.

I am of course talking about a part of nature in this area that makes the rats and the mice seem like cute little furry creatures, as I have learned that dealing with deer and squirrels is a never ending saga that makes it really hard to like either of them. You see, I happen to take great pride in my landscaping, and the deer in particular take great pride in treating it like an all you can eat salad bar. The hopeless do-gooder would be quick to point out that I have a lot of nerve placing the value of my plants over the needs of the woodland creatures, but I’m pretty sure that most of those people either don’t own anything or take any pride in what they actually own. I am no longer burdened with those problems since I have been dealing with these enemy invaders for years now, and they always seem to be winning the war!

Let’s take Saturday morning for example. It is a beautiful day and I am planning to take care of the landscaping and probably catch up on some of the mundane work associated with my blogs and websites. The dog on the other hand is standing on the porch attempting to wake up all the neighbors and even worse, wake up my wife. I stormed out of the house with all intentions set on killing the dog, and she is standing most precariously on the porch staring off at my favorite landscaping feat, Mount Finkerbean, and barking her fool head off. I being so observant didn’t notice the deer eating all of my elephant ear hosta. My elephant ear hosta that coincidentally I have NEVER been able to enjoy because it has been eaten by deer every year before summer even starts. Now the dog is barking like a lunatic and I am jumping up and down making noise like an actual lunatic, and the stupid deer is staring at me, like HE figured out we are both harmless lunatics.

In my fury I went into the back yard trying to scare the thing off as it stared at me, leaned down to grab another leaf and then went back to staring at me. I picked up a rock and hurled it at the little bastard (little as in barely 7 feet tall, so not quite a moose or anything) hitting him square in the ass. He looked back at where the rock hit him and hopped over the wall, and continued to eat my hosta with the wall blocking me from doing that again. Even angrier now I went into the house and grabbed my wrist rocket (sling shot) and came back out with it and my camera phone.

The deer hopped into the woods, behind the tree cover and basically decided to stand there until I left so he could go back to eating my plants. I did what any lunatic would do when confronted with a creature easily a foot and a half taller than him and probably twice his weight, and started walking out towards him. This jerk just stood there as I took pictures of him every five feet or so, until I was finally about ten feet away from him, and then decided to bound off into the woods. My want to kill the bastard was now at a record pace. The dog finally came off the porch and bound over to me, pretending to be all mean and stuff. Yeah sick em Fang! I’m still too lazy to hunt, but I definitely root for the hunters. My yard will look like a wasteland by the time hunting season gets here, but at least I get that feeling of satisfaction that someone is out there getting even with them for me.