Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Still Whacko After All These Years

Getting old is no fun, and before you tell me that forty five isn’t old, let me remind you that this is my blog and if I want to call forty five old here I will. My morning routine has been altered, by my loving wife to the point where now I have to take my shower, slather three different types of lotion all over myself, wait to dry and put my clothes on. My street cred as a vehement anti-metrosexual is coming into question here. Of course my wife would kill me if she found out I was talking about this in a blog, but we’ll just hope this is one of those ones she doesn’t bother to read.

I actually shaved all my nose hairs out with one of those little grooming wands that you see advertised on TV. The Micro-Touch 1 I think it is called. I bought one of those back when they first came around and even though this isn’t a Tech Whacko blog let me just tell you that getting the nose hairs is the only thing it is good for. As a matter of fact it is better than anything else I have ever used, and plucking them out as I drive down the street has yielded me an ingrown hair inside my nose that caused a pretty good infection. I decided to shave out all the hair so that I could apply some Neosporin or something onside my nose.

Yeah well, in the medicine closet there was no Neosporin, or Bacitracin, or anything that would do in this case. There were 17 different types of cream for this that and the other thing, and after examining them all I finally found two unopened tubes of Blistex Medicated. I looked at them for a moment and said “Well what the hell this is kinda like a chapped lip,” and smeared some inside my nose expecting it to hurt. Surprisingly it didn’t hurt, but there are some strange side effects that I am going to go over. Hey! I already told you this is my blog and I am going to use it how I want to.

Oh I better put this in here now .. Disclaimer: The things that come out of this strange fellows mind can often be disgusting or even disturbing. If you have a weak stomach you should probably go find some cute cat pictures, or maybe a meme with that guy from Lord of the Rings to look at. If you proceed further than this the chances are pretty good that you will be grossed out wickid bad, and crying to Google, the mayor in your town, your doctor or even your mom will not make up for the fact that you read past here. You have been warned.

So as I was saying the menthol in the Blistex has been like a cold infusion of Vicks Vapo-Rub that is right in ground zero, so while all of the snot and infection are churning away in there I have been having a steady flow of this leaking down my throat for the last two days. Now of course being a boy I happen to be a connoisseur of fine snot, and with the puss or whatever it is that had been in the flow it is not fine snot. Then you throw in the fact that on the two or three times I haven’t rubbed the Blistex in good enough people have looked at me like they need to have an intervention of some sort for whatever the white stuff is around the corners of my nose. Of both of these I will probably survive.

On a brighter note the infection is just about gone and it appears that I am not dying from something that was starting to look like a recluse spider bite. Yeah you see that visual alone probably sent shudders down someone’s spine and made the nasty snot faucet that is my throat seem almost worth it. Probably not, but I was starting to get an acute case of hypochondria over the whole thing. Now I just have to deal with the budding metrosexual in me, which isn’t easy when the very woman who makes me do all the lotions and ear hair, eyebrow, nose hair plucking stands in the bathroom with me telling me how pretty I look, and giving me a hard time for being vain. HASHTAG #SIGH.