Wednesday, February 18, 2015

A Mind of Controlled Chaos

On the best of days my mind is controlled chaos. It always has been and the control is that I have to micromanage everything that comes out of my brain, and especially out of my mouth. Whether it is untreated ADHD or something more sinister it has been a normal thing for me for as far back as I can remember. My poor wife doesn't always understand my need to just sit and be quiet so that I can control all of the things that are flying around in my head, especially first thing in the morning when I haven’t gotten a grip on it yet. I have had to resort to many tricks just to keep my thoughts organized, and I know it is hard to believe, but by the end of the day they ARE organized.

If asked a question for a game of Trivia Crack, I somehow become a valuable tool, but if I were to ever go to the grocery store without my list handy, I am pretty useless. It made it impossible to write for quite a while because my brain wouldn't focus on what I was trying to write about. Often I would just toss away entire novellas of things I had written because I couldn't even keep it all in the same tense, much less subject. Worse was the fact that I would get so amazingly trapped into a subject I wanted to write about that the overwhelming fear of losing the thought, would cripple me. I did finally start writing again because I needed a release for my brain. I haven’t even spent much time worrying about if any of it gets read by anyone or not. Of course everyone wants to be understood and possibly admired, but that has had very little to do with my writing.

I did solve one of the biggest problems with my scattered brain. It was an app that I have had for a very long time, since it was one of the only useful apps for my useless Palm Pre. (Yeah I was one of the idiots that bought one of those) The App is called Evernote, and I have it on my phone, my computers, and even my watch so that when a scattered thought forms and starts racing around I can add it to a list, and get to it later. Just the calm of knowing that thought is documented and I have a list to get to when the brain slows down, has made all the difference. The ability to “let go and let God” as I would have preached at one time has changed around the attitude in me to the point of almost being peaceful. I feel good just writing that and if you don’t know what I mean here then you probably won’t understand. It takes a lot of growth in me to understand that that is perfectly ok.

Now of course controlling the chaos is something that has always made me feel a sense of accomplishment. I can’t expect anyone to throw me a parade for dealing with something that is two parts my problem, one part other people’s, but there is no reason I can’t give myself an attaboy now and again. This type of year in particular where everyone goes through a sense of cabin fever, because of the snow or the cold or whatever reason, and of course when you are controlling mental chaos with less to do, it can seem even worse. The need to organize can at times be annoying to others but it does turn off the noise. My “to do” list is nothing more than a series of chores that I have set out for myself so that I can reward myself after the work is done. Even if the reward is a yogurt and a show on the DVR, the feeling that I “earned” it makes me feel good. It also gets me another hour or so away from my brain.

With all that tattling on myself taken care of, I will move on to organizing my e-mail in a Rainman style fashion, reading all the news on my social media pages, and perhaps work on that list of blogs that keeps getting bigger every time I start a day. Before anyone gets the idea that I could accomplish great things if I spent my time a little bit more productively, I assure you, I have accomplished great things. I plan to accomplish a lot more great things, and the best way to do that is to continue to manage the chaos, while spending my days doing the next right thing as opposed to the next scattered brain fart.