Sunday, January 25, 2015

The Strange Case of Dr. Fink and Mr. Crow

Disclaimer: I say this for the first time ever, that I hope nobody reads this blog. I don't know as I am writing this that my language will be all that great, but we'll see. I am writing this because I need to. You've been warned.

It was a day in September that I made the final sacrifice for my children, but you never know, more sacrifices could come. In reality it wasn't so much a sacrifice for them as it was for me, but the split second decision, and the finality of killing Jeremy Crow, was at the time 100% for the sake of my children, and yes at the time it made me very sad. It was a sadness that I kept to myself and shared with nobody. Getting back to reality only one person aside from myself had even noticed, and I found that out about four months later. It was a bright spot really.

A lot has happened to me in the last three years since I stopped writing, or at least stopped writing publicly. Jeremy Crow had been my alter ego online so long that it really was all I had online. I had cut the rope to Jeremy crow years before I had actually killed off the character. It was when I was going to get married, I realized that my poor wife had not signed on for the roller coaster that was my fantasy world online. Jeremy Crow was killed on Facebook sometime in 2011, and I started my life online as Jeremy Fink at that point. There were some bright points, as old friends started finding me and adding me to their friends lists, mostly for the sake of adding more people to their lists but a few of them were generally wondering what I had been up to. Fewer and fewer of the friends of Jeremy Crow remained, and that was a good thing in its own way.

In defense of the friends of Jeremy Crow, I must say that the ones I still have are some of the best friends ever. I even included the top two all time in my wedding to my beautiful wife Carrie, while at the same time getting 2000 miles away from any of the family and friends of Jeremy Fink to do so. This is where it all starts, as I look back on the last four years. Everything about the Crow was a cry for help. Some saw it as a cry for help, other saw it as a man with a good imagination embellishing on a life that wasn't a great as it seemed. My wife on the other hand saw it exactly as what it was, and had every intention of dragging me out of it, kicking and screaming if she must. The facts behind that story is that I was a very unhappy man living in his grandmother's basement, trying to do what was best for my children, without the capacity to do so. I hated everything about it and was so comfortable sitting in my own shit that I refused to admit that it smelled like shit.

The last time I ever wrote a blog about Jeremy Crow and the artist known as Superdaddyman, I was upset that my ex-wife was about to destroy the longest relationship she had ever had. I was sad that the only thing that had really gotten her involved in her children's lives in a positive manner was about to come to an end. I was also angry that a lot of that had been a lie. The fact that he was driving the kids around drunk, among a plethora of other issues that were now coming up because she was in the process of destroying his reputation to bolster her own excuses for just wanting something new. I was angry and what I did was turn it all into a cartoon so I could make light of what was a serious problem. My wife pointed out to me that she found it tasteless and was upset about it. I deleted the blog before anyone saw it and Jeremy Crow and Superdaddyman were never seen again.

The years weren't exactly kind to me, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. The bad as I have kept it to myself, not really to stew over, but to just deal with it. I lost my oldest daughter, when she decided that she hated me, and was going to take it out on my wife. The healing process began when she decided that she would forgive people that she had hated and aided in the job of making my life miserable with it, and still hated me. The bitterness subsided, and I remembered that I was free of all of that. It got worse when I lost my other two children, because I just wasn't competing anymore. It is sad to have to admit that all of my years of trying to do the right thing, stuck between two families, bitter about the things I was forced to do because of my bad decisions so many years ago. I just let it go. I didn't need to emote how angry I was, or how cheated I felt or anything. I was finally free.

My wife and I bought a nice house, in a town that we settled on so I could have an easier way out. I was so tragically stupid that I really believed that life could trend towards normal, and not only did they not, I was an idiot for trusting anyone. There finally came a time when all I could do was let go. That day in September when I was on my way into court to hand over custody of my children and I deleted Jeremy Crow so that the woman who has done nothing but game the system couldn't use my own words against me. Hell I probably would have deserved it, and as angry as I was with my family and my children I just couldn't let it get so bad that that woman had the opportunity to damage my children any more than she already had. I just hit delete and I didn't look back. What was a Superdaddyman who lost his children anyway?

Don't let any of what I just said make it look like it has been a bad few years. With the children living over there I don't have them calling me all the time anymore. They have what they want, and aside from the obligatory family get-togethers I don't have to go anywhere near that house that causes me so much pain. I don't have to sit there feeling like a prisoner and trying to come up with excuses to escape. Everyone involved looks at all of this differently so there is also the serenity that I don't have to be terrified to try and explain why I hate that place and don't want to be anywhere near there anymore. I can just say I do and leave it at that. Nobody has to understand, and I am ok with that. I wake up every morning now, very happy and looking forward to my day.

Gone also are the days where I feel I need to emote about the evil Pink Mafia. Years ago I had given up the janitor's closet of the place where I hurt my back and felt like an undervalued underling caught in a struggle between good and evil. All of my scheming and conniving to make myself unreplaceable in the name of getting better raises, and a certain level of respectability came crash down on me when new management came along and said "What the Hell is this guy doing in the janitor's closet?" Within weeks I had an office and was building databases to inventory the whole organization, as well as building the intranet that the company runs on. In a short amount of time a position was created that they could put me in, and low and behold, I was a member of the Pink Mafia, with people under me plotting my ruination. Well ok most of the people under me love me, and wouldn't want anyone else to be their boss, but I still keep my eye out for who could be the next simpering weenie, Jeremy Crow, to come up the ladder. Even people who once had prominent roles in Pink Mafia lore answer to me now, and not because they are worried about a plot or a scheme.

I have finished four novels since Jeremy Crow had died on Facebook, and have the humility to admit that they just aren't that good. I am fine with myself. I started writing again because it makes me happy, and somehow over the last month it started making me money. How I have no idea, because what I had written at the top was the God's honest truth. I really don't want people seeing what I write. I have even found the best times to sneak blogs through the pipeline where people won't see them, and if they do see them and just don't care, GREAT! I just want to keep my brain functioning and have a record that I Jeremy Fink existed, and I had thoughts, and hopes, and dreams and a LOT of them came true, others didn't and I am perfectly happy today regardless.