Sunday, July 10, 2011

Endings and Beginnings - Volume 1

It's hard to imagine that a forty one year old know it all can continue to go on and on about the things he learns from day to day, and worse yet post it to a blog constantly like his own cheerleader to an audience of one, but here I am. I've known for many years, and you can blame my blog and the audience I used to have coupled with the audience I continue to have, for my various brain droppings but in the end I have found that putting things to type often places them in my brain forever, or at least until I learn differently. The one trend I have maintained throughout, and more to the point was the reason I started this blog, was that I was an abstract failure at love and relationships. I've worn it as a badge of honor at times and more often than not used it as a club to beat back any potential suitors that I have had. Ask around, my combination of fickle and jaded is almost legendary.

My last few relationships have been woefully inept, and I can blame whomever I want, but in the end I have done it to myself and willingly take credit for the failures that they were, and would do it all again were I in similar positions. My life is complicated and I don't like it that way, but I have managed to fit it into the rules of dating. My strict code of conduct was downright hated by my last two girlfriends, and in the end they have every right to hate me for it. I still don't apologize for who I am and why, and as full of shit as they thought I was, or at the very least tried to convince me I was, they were far worse and in spades. It's my ex wife's job to fuck up my kids and not mine. It's also not my job to assist in the fucking up of other people's kids, and if I spent time alone because of it, then in the end I was perfectly fine with that. Then you had the fact that I used these arguments as an excuse for why I was the way I was.

The reality of the matter is that it's been a long sting of women that I didn't trust enough to completely give myself over to, and without airing their laundry I will just say I was right, and at worst could say that I was wasting large quantities of my own time in an effort to maintain a level of normalcy while also maintaining a level of fucked up. The rules I imposed on my “relationships” for lack of a better word {no playing house, no interfering with real life issues, no introductions to the family for quite some time, and a myriad of etc's that get even sillier as I list them out} had more to do with what a rotten picker I was in women, than what I was doing to protect the normalcy of my house. Heaven forbid I just pick better women and stop giving in to the easier softer way. I could apologize for my relationship behavior, but while I am woefully inept at the whole thing, I also was proven right by the women I never let into my world completely. No harm no foul, or perhaps, no big loss.

Of course all of this could change if I accidentally let my guard down. That's what happened three weeks ago while I should have been moping over my last failed relationship. The last one was one of the “I'll never do THAT to you, until I do THAT to you” ones. In the end she said exactly what I said she would at the beginning of the relationship and until the very end swore she wasn't going to, until she did. The fact that I didn't care says more about me than it did about her. Worse than that I was ready to start the “moping” process I always enjoy after a ended relationship, but forgot to close up and act miserable so that all the women would avoid me. I tried to play the “aloof and unaffected” card I often do when I am not in total disgusting mopery, and it was a complete and utter failure. Well it was a failure as far as being unattainable. A woman walked into my life and she flat out refused to accept my unworthiness that I tried to display. In the beginning I assumed that when she realized how difficult it was to fall for me she would come to her senses and go on to better pastures. She didn't.

The fact of the matter was she flattered me immensely with her can do, will do attitude, and she made it happen. Let's be honest here, but I am so used to women coming along and then expecting me to fall for them and then carry them, that it took me totally by surprise that a wonderful woman who needed nothing from me came along and refused to accept my unworthiness of her. Because of her I quit smoking {exactly 3 weeks to the minute that I am writing this} and took an entire week off from work to spend a honeymoon like vacation with her, which she did about 90 percent of the work to make happen, and it was without a doubt ten of the greatest days of my life followed by the hardest good-bye for now that I had ever experienced. As I write this I can tell you all that are reading this that it is excruciating separation anxiety that I am feeling as I write this, and it actually feels wonderful. Did I really have the capacity to be so totally in love with someone that I didn't even know a month ago? The answer to that question is a complete and utter yes definitely.

There is a scary component to all of this as well, for those that know my history, because many of the usual reasons that my relationships end have been taken off the table already. Everything has fallen into place at such breakneck speed and so comfortably that there would have to be some intervention from God, that has completely stripped my will from the whole thing. I even came back from my vacation stating quite simply that she is going to be my final wife, which had Greektradgedius Inyiddish immediately pointing out to me that I should watch myself and take my time, blah blah blah blah. The usual things that anyone would be concerned for but what took me completely off guard was the reaction from Imtoocutus over the whole thing. She immediately started pointing out {and with a maturity that spread vast beyond her ten years on this earth} that her and Captain ADHD had had a discussion about her and they think she is great and I should keep her forever. It was extremely mature the way she defended the statement to GTIY and to go beyond that it also rendered her speechless. Yeah I broke that usual vow and introduced her to the kids. It was obvious to them anyway that the two of us are beautiful together and I am grateful that she was there to step up to the plate on what would appear to be her father's insanity if people didn't know better. Who should know better than the youngest daughter who until recently had made jokes about never meeting daddy's girlfriends.

I learned a lot about myself this week and aside from letting anyone reading this in on what is going on in my life, I want to share a few of these things. First and foremost I learned through the eyes of a wonderful woman that I am completely worthy of absolutely all the happiness that she is GIVING me. I learned that I am completely capable of being everything that a woman wants without the whole feeling that the other shoe is going to drop. Trust me when I say that is a big one. I also know what it is like to have someone to look up to. She has been my muse as I have been writing up a storm the last few weeks, desperately in need to complete my writings, and bring my life to the next level. The meaning I had found in my own inherent irresponsibility as of late completely drained from me, and yanno what? I also learned what people mean by the love of a good woman. It's a sad pile of pablum that everything you do has to be done because you want to. All of my years in Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me that the ONLY thing I 100% have to do for myself is not drink. Beyond that you can do anything you want for whatever damn reason you want and sometimes it is perfectly ok to do things for someone else. I'm pretty sure when I tell my doctor that I quit smoking for a woman she will be just as happy as if I did it for myself. I'm damn sure when these two books get finished, and I can get started on my graphic novel I plan to make out of the third, nobody is going to say, “but did you do it for you?” ;8o)