Monday, June 27, 2011

Still Evil After All These Years - Volume 1

The call went out from a super secret locale, the hide out if you will, of one of the most diabolical criminals known to mankind. A very important ally but often an unwitting adversary, had placed this call, and the Superdaddyman was on it. This wouldn't have happened had he gotten the caller ID fixed but it is what it is, as the voice of Mini Evil's warden on the other end told our brave young {HEY! Write your own blog!} super villain turned super hero that there was a sit down that had to be watched closely going on on the other side of Megalopolis. She had even encouraged the Caped Pervader to bring along the fiendish Imtoocutus, so that he can pretend to watch her fiddle around in the water while secretly keeping watch over a dozen of the most diabolical minds in the universe plot their evil.

It started off smoothly enough. Imtoocutus was rather excited to get out of the compound known to all as the Casa di Evils's and take a road trip to diabolical places unknown. She immediately started demonstrating her powers of evil by packing for a two week trip to Europe, and when finished perched herself and her 35 pounds of crap behind the Superdaddyman in {what once was the super secret} Superdaddycave, doing the haven't quite gotten going version of “are we there yet .. are we there yet” forcing the Superdaddyman to use the line he had learned from his jailor when he was a little evil himself, “When I was a boy, we NEVER got there .. AND WE LIKED IT!” In the end the crap was all loaded into the new smaller version of the Superdaddymobile {and he barely escaped having to remove seats} and away they went.

It was like an explosion of chaos the second the Superdaddyman and Imtoocutus appeared at the secret beach location of Mini Evil's {and by Mini Evil we mean as tall as Superdaddyman now, what diabolical transformation device was used on this crazed evil lunatic over the last 5 years I will never know} penitentiary. Dozens of ADHD riddled lunatics were running around looking like huge hummingbirds tossing objects in the air. Beach balls, frisbees, whiffle balls, cupcakes, popcorn, cats, chunks of lawn, it was all up in the air with little streaks of super evil smoke going from point to point. It was pandemonium, and Mini Evils's warden was actually sitting there smiling and playing backgammon with her sister. How in the name of God Superdaddyman will never know. It was uncanny the way she would just lazily reach into one of the clouds of smoke screaming around the yard and pull out the right diabolical genius, said “Don't do that” to them, and then placed them back into the cloud of smoke to disappear again in the streak of cloud and lightning. Even the super vision abilities of the Superdaddyman are tested with so much raw evil in one place. Superdaddyman was finally able to recognize the fastest streak of them all and made a much more clumsy grab at it, but accomplished his goal. In front of the greatest super hero stood the most diabolical of all super villains, Captain ADHD himself.

Over the years the super abilities of Captain ADHD has evolved quite a bit. He still has the over powering ability to create chaos and at great speed, the ability to out irrational anyone in half a heartbeat, and of course the ability to argue beyond the point of return. Now that it is mixed in with an ever changing voice that can potentially out-whine Imtoocutus it has not only gotten more diabolical to maintain but a heck of a lot harder to tolerate. Well that is for anyone aside from Mini Evil's warden Softieatheart. She spent a few minutes explaining to the Superdaddyman {through his wretching and making sick faces} how she likes to give all the evil lil bastards a big hug and remind them that “Softieatheart loves them.” The Superdaddyman assured her that every day he pats the two evils's that haven't escaped the Casa di Evils's on the head every morning and tells them that Softieatheart loves them too. Many in attendance found humor in that, so the Superdaddyman let them believe that it was a joke and not the God's honest truth.

When the food was taken off the grill by Softieatheart's hubby {codename: Softieatheart's Hubby .. he doesn't star in these things very often yanno?} he made a mad dash for the table. The food no sooner hit the table then an eruption that looked like a cross between the Tasmanian Devil and a Type 5 {Finger of God} Tornado swirled around the table for about 15 seconds and what was left looked eerily like Watts after the riots, only with a bit more looting. The trails of smoke out in the front yard were slowing down as the day wound down, but still you couldn't see many faces, just a lot of belching and crumbs since food was introduced into the scenerio. Then an inner tube was introduced into the fracas. You could see it bouncing from bolt of lightning to wisp of smoke to tornado to lightning bolt again. Imtoocutus in her new roll that she has taken from the artist formerly known as Lazius Boycrazius walked over to the side of the melee reached into it and came out with the inner tube. All at once the mosh pit stopped and stared at her, then remembered the good old days when Lazius Boycrazius would pick them up and slam them all on their heads and saw the irony of the situation before erupting into chaos again.

Knowing full well around seven oclock that the Superdaddyman had done his bit for king and country he reached inside of the scrum and pulled out a child. Damnit wrong one, so he tossed it back in. On the next attempt he had the right one and he reminded Captain ADHD that it was time to go. The tower alarms went off and they sounded oddly like “But I don't wanna, but everyone else gets to stay, but the party isn't over yet, but I need to, but I'm supposed to, But but but but bawaaaaaaaah” which never works for him, but he's a slow learner. When the Superdaddyman was forced to pull him out of the pile of chaos again it was to remind Captain ADHD about how well it goes over when he punishes people for doing nice things for him. He moped over to the Superdaddymobile where Imtoocutus was already sitting and the show was officially on the road.

Back at the Casa di Evils's the diabolical Captain ADHD started his long search to find everyone and anyone that would listen to his tale of woe having been dragged away from such a great party that he had been at for about 28 hours at that point. Imtoocutus was exhausted from just being there four hours, but she does have the Lazius chromosome in her. Captain ADHD only has that chromosome when it is something he HAS to do, and if it is merely something he WANTS to do then he doesn't have a slow speed or an off switch. In the end he was resigned to the fact that he only had his cat to explain the woes of how nobody loves him everybody hates him and how worms actually taste. The cat of course is his true partner in crime in everything he does and patiently sits there while it is being explained to her. The Superdaddyman goes down to the Superdaddycave to check on something and give Captain ADHD time to cool off, and then goes back upstairs to explain “the law” to him. That was going to have to wait though as it was now eight oclock and Captain ADHD and his cat were both passed out on the bed exhausted from all the evil in the one case and exhausted from all the explanation on the other ;8o)