Tuesday, February 8, 2011

And Then There Were Two - Volume 1

The fiddling has ended, Rome is burned. I haven't got a clue whether I heard that somewhere or I came up with it all on my own, but it fits the scenario around here. The last few days have been a plethora of platitudes {yeah that sounds silly but bear with me here} not the least of which is my favorite single father line, “You'll never reach your 2000 attaboys, because everything is potentially an aweshit!” Needless to say as I write this I am headlong into the “angry” phase of recovering from an issue. Hopefully by the time I finish writing this I will be coming out the other end, but you never know because life is a funny thing, when you live it.

I put “The fiddling has ended, Rome burned” as my status on Twitter and Facebook Sunday night and I am pretty sure that most people thought it had to do with the Super Bowl, when in reality it had to do with the drama happening here during the Super Bowl. My daughter finally had the rage filled, vindictive moment she had been clamoring for during the past year, and she left this house in a blaze of glory, ensuring that any return she ever makes will add to my ulcer count. It probably won't because I have had enough of it all, and quite frankly had many months ago, but was just sitting around waiting for the bridge to burn. I finally got that and as depressing as it might have been when it happened there is still a modicum of relief that it is finally playing out. It never had to but at the same time it had to, and that is where the angry part happens.

I make no bones about the fact that I am a man who fights the urge to be a misogynist, and it's an uphill climb. I absolutely hate women, and when I put on a smiling face and attempt to be kind, it is mostly a smokescreen of discontent until whatever woman I happen to be dealing with finally does whatever it is that she needs to do to make me hate her. This is a long progression based on genetics and a family of women that live forever and send the men to an early grave. My father has officially broken the record of life expectancy as he turned 71 last November, and he was the first man to make it to 70 at all on both sides of my family. My great grandmother had died several years back at the age of 92, and she was the first in several generations to not make it to 100. I have long since given up on the jealousy of all this as I had realized that it probably was a gift from God. I attribute my father's willingness to live from the fact that after my mother my father had completely given up on women, raised me to the best of his ability and then escaped to another part of the country where he could be completely free from the women in his own family. He may actually be brilliant, but who knows, it could just be a divine intervention.

This was all predicated by two women in particular in my life, one being the infamous Greektradgedius Inyiddish, and the Diabolical Lazius Boycrazius. I have done very well to paint the picture of my life in general as a cartoon with some sort of a meaning from the mundane torture that it truly is. I take it all for better or for worse, wrap it up in a pretty package, tie a bow on it and then sell it to everyone and at times I have had success in it, and most of the time I have not. This story ended with Lazius Boycrazius storming out of the house, never to return in a blaze of glory that rocked my little world. She was, of course driven there by Greektradgedius Inyiddish, but she holds no innocence in any of this. As a father that tried to keep the peace but more often than not simply tried to ignore the agony, I knew it was going to happen and it is a bitter sweet level of angry that I have right now.

Let me just state the facts. GTIY never did accept LBC, and as I was in tears and yelling at her yesterday I finally got her to admit what I have known for a very long time. After exclaiming to her that I had no hope that she wasn't going to pick one of the other children and hold them to an unreachable standard, and make our lives a living hell until they charge out the door never to return again she said the magic words I knew were hidden in there, “They're different because of their genetics,” and I don't think she even realizes how awful that statement truly was. That statement needed to be out there so I could simply drop it all, and I gave her the “Yes ma'am” treatment for the rest of the conversation. I didn't care what she had to say anymore and I simply let her rant, just like I am letting her sit up there and pout right now. I don't care, because this is not my issue, and I am done with all that grief, but she better watch out when I find myself desperately clinging to what little bit of a relationship I have left with Captain ADHD, who will inevitably be the next one to take the abuse.

Facts and reactions from that last paragraph were that I was in tears because I lost my daughter in all of this. Despite her admittance that she was never really “one of us” she was and always will be my baby girl. For better or for worse and what made me furious with her was I {ME, JEREMY, The typical male to take the blame in this family} was now sitting here in the beginning process of one of the things that makes the women in my family intolerable, and there wasn't an ounce of understanding from one of the harpy's that takes these issues out on everyone. You see the great lie that GTIY throws out there, and I wasn't going to take for a second on that day was that LBC was the worst child she ever had to deal with. This infuriates me because on LBC's worst day she doesn't compare to the unspeakable hell that my mother put everyone through, and more to the point, she puts us all through to this day. To pretend that my 18 year old daughter is any worse than the 60 year old daughter that this woman ignored will NOT be tolerated anymore, and she might not have heard a word I said, but I said it, and I am still furious about it as I try to logically explain it to myself here. My daughter happens to be {despite her glaring flaws} one of the best women for her age produced in this fucked up family. With that said, let me start explaining why I am angry at HER.

My daughter of course, despite have a few extra values that many of the women in my family have is extremely lazy. She probably doesn't see it but what person does at 18? I think the perfect term here is a Natural Born Quitter. In many things she will give it the old college try for a very long time before she quits and in many other things she won't even make an attempt. She doesn't have what the males in the family have {genetics} which is the ability to take solace in doing the right thing and then the self righteousness that someone else is being irrational. All she had to do was clean her room. It sounds pretty stupid every time I say it out loud, but it's the truth. I couldn't defend her anymore, and in the end I had to simply let her take the abuse because she wouldn't do the one thing that was a stipulation of her leading a moderately peaceful life under this roof. Every time it came down to the gravel hitting the dirt the one condition she was given was to keep her room clean. Now mind you, it was horribly irrational to expect her to keep it clean all the time as GTIY whined about incessantly, but she never tried once. She created a disgusting pigsty, and she flaunted it in everyone's face. She let it destroy her life in general actually and in the end, I had to let go and let her fall apart.

This was a much larger progression of what she did to herself and I am done {yes completely done} with blaming myself for any of it. You order shit, you eat shit. I filled out a mountain of paperwork when she was in eighth grade so she could get a Future's Scholarship, which would have paid her way to any college she chose if she just kept her grades up. She didn't in the least, and kept me in four strait years of anguish over her throwing that away. She then somehow managed to still hold onto that at the very end, and then pretended to care about it. Then she never really had any intention of going through with it, and used all of this drama to blame everyone for why she was never going to go to college. She jumped the shark on my caring about any of this by throwing it in my face {through others} that she couldn't go because I {ME JEREMY The dad} had to come up with $1000 because of my income requirements, but I am too poor so it will never happen. Of course she never once talked to me about it, just threw that one around to everyone else. Poor poor LBC, because I could have come up with that $1000 at the snap of a finger, either through my father or as a loan against my 401k, but I wasn't going there with someone who made it so damn obvious that it was all a ruse.

Of course the fiddle started playing back in April, when of course after being told to clean her damn room, she chose instead to start packing up all of her stuff, and writing me a long letter explaining her frustrations, and how she was moving out after school ended. She then started being a horrible tenant, because she was a short timer. Her room went from an uncontrolled mess to a pigsty. When she was all graduated and ready for the move, surprise surprise, all of the people that blew smoke up her ass about how she didn't have to deal with us meanie heads, and our stupid rules, threw their hands up in the air, and didn't actually have a place for her to live. She didn't ask us to stay here, she simply announced it to all of us. With the fact that she was still pretending to be going to school in the fall I went and swallowed my pride to the “women” {fucking women} and managed to broker another deal for her to stay. Condition number 1, room has to be clean. Day 2 room was a pigsty, and so on and so forth. Later on down the road she “announced” that she would be going to school in January, sloppy ass mess of a room and all she was given what we thought would be the last chance in October when she officially turned 18, and three months of hell followed, as her and her lack of obligation fulfillment left me with a whiney grandmother every damn day. The beginning of last month I told her that it was time for her to leave. If you aren't a part of the cure you're probably a part of the cause.

Needless to say finally “the women” got together and determined that she had to have a deadline. The end of the month she would have to be gone, and they did bring it to me. I was so sick of it all I agreed, and at this point to be honest with you I was more sick of it on the daughter's end because she WAS bringing this all on herself at this point. A clean fucking room is a very small rent to pay in today's day and age. She desperately wanted to be thrown out. The fiddle was raging and Rome was burning at a furious pace. And to be honest with you I was amazed that they gave her another week to collect her crap and get out. She then started with the lying and self abuse, sleeping in her car one night when it was in the teens out, and blaming my grandmother for locking her out, which SHE NEVER DID. I had to be strong and not worry about her and her outright stupidity doing something like that. I relied on another one of MY platitudes, “She has her own higher power and I AIN'T IT,” because I of all people should know that when someone is going to self destruct you let them or they will never change. Then the lying about us not letting her have her things so she was sneaking them out of the house. The fires had hit the capital of Rome.

Finally her last Sunday had arrived. She had basically decided that she was going to move out on Monday instead, and didn't even bother to tell any of us. She came in late to GTIY sitting in the living room and simply “announced” that she was going out with her boyfriend would be back late and moving out the next day. Lets keep in mind that I was downstairs watching the Super Bowl so I didn't hear what happened so I am sure I should just blame both of them and carry on. She apparently went up to her room and threw her stuff out the window {a lie because later on GTIY said that she was piling things at the top of the stairs and her boyfriend was carrying it out} and my grandmother went up to hang out in my aunts part of the house while it was all going on. I knew nothing of any of this. Apparently my daughter storms around the house throwing things very quietly because I didn't hear any of it. As a matter of fact I didn't even know any of it happened until after my daughter had left, and went looking for my grandmother and found her upstairs. I was told what happened by my ex-wife, and actually was in denial about it.

Yesterday of course GTIY finally got me to explode with the whole “I don't want her in this house so you need to find a way to get her stuff to her,” story. I was enraged, but held my temper as best I can. My attitude was, “Is this bullshit never going to end?” My daughter had finally had the explosion that her and GTIY had desperately wanted and couldn't they just get on with their lives? Apparently not as my daughter had posted her little rant about how she wished she had killed her grandmother on Facebook. How fucking sweet is that? I gave up, she can burn out in her own misery but I won't be coddling her emotions on all of this. Life is unfair, and she's got a lot of years to learn that, and I have told her that enough already. GTIY is still upstairs pouting me into submission as I said before and she can turn blue {although I don't wish her dead} over it because as I had stated earlier, this is a lot of crap that she is too old to work through, and SHE has her own higher power and I AIN'T IT too! I'll give you one last platitude, “If you love something set it free, if it comes back, you better find out why before you accept it as back,” I've been down this road before and due to my family genetics I probably only have another 20 or so years left, and that is too short to deal with the ulcers ;8o)