Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2010 #3


Now don't get me wrong. I did find this whole scenario kinda strange, but I live with a bunch of characters as it is, and I have learned that anytime I try to assume that things are normal they get stranger. It's not like I don't ask a million questions a day {hey I'm ten and a girl, it's part of the job} and I already had a million just walking out the door. The jolly fat man in the red suit didn't look so jolly, and don't get me started on the gang of biker rejects pulling the sleigh. I was about to throw the first question out there when Santa said, “Look we're pressed for time here, and I already know what you are going to say. That's the advantage of keeping the list and checking it twice,” he chuckled at his own joke and continued, “There will be plenty of time for questions when you get in the sleigh,” and with that I hopped in. “I haven't seen you in four years, good to see they let you live this long,” he then said as he swatted at the reins.

I was thinking “Ha Ha” at this point, but the grave nature of the task at hand was still weighing heavily on me. It's not like I actually remember meeting Santa, or heading off to the South Pole before. I did finally say, “So what are we supposed to do when we get down there? I don't have many recollections of the last time I was at the South Pole,” and I left it at that. I mean he would have to realize sooner or later that we're talking about half my life ago anyway.

Santa looked at me and said, “Well I don't know really. We're going to have to go down there and kick some serious penguin butt. That was kinda the plan that the Superdaddyman used when he rescued me,” he swatted at the reins again and the already pissed off looking reindeer turned around and looked at him. “Of course after Superdaddyman failed miserably Rudolf showed up and went all medieval on their sorry asses. Since he still doesn't like them very much, I'm hoping we can just start with that plan and save ourselves a lot of trouble.”

This made sense to me anyway, but of course there was that lingering feeling that it couldn't possibly be that easy. After all I have read enough of Superdaddyman's delusional tales to know that it NEVER goes that easily, and worse yet if I'm not mistaken this is only the second part of the tale, which means there will be a lot of awkward fill before we can get to the whooping of penguin butt anyway. All in all, I am happy to know that we will be taking on criminal masterminds that are at the very least shorter than I am. Of course in the interest of being honest I did throw out there, “I can see kidnapping Superdaddyman, because he'd fall for almost anything, as long as you stroke his ego, but aren't you a bit worried that these guys had the speed and mental skills to capture Captain ADHD?” then I thought about it for another moment, “Or worse yet the sheer force to kidnap Lazius Boycrazius?”

Santa laughed, “Oh NEVER underestimate the diabolical evil of the penguins!” and at that Rudolf {or was it Dancer?} snorted in agreement, “It's not easy to coordinate the efforts to sneak into every home on earth and steal socks. Then to go back and get the remote controls, while at the same time jacking up the volume on every car stereo!” he then stroked his beard as if he was thinking, “Technically speaking, what I do every year is child's play compared to the amount of sheer evil that they can accomplish on a 365 day basis!” and as I thought of this he had a point. Drawers full of mismatched socks and a fortune in replacement remotes alone is the type of chaos liberal activists try and fail at on a weekly basis.

“So why do you need me?” I piped up. I mean aside from being absolutely adorable and able to get away with almost everything I do, I can't see what much use I will be in this endeavor. Aside from telling the tale, while the others are held captive I can't really see what else I am to do.
Santa sure knew how to make a girl feel good about herself, let me tell ya, when he said, “I don't actually know. I thought you would be a real pain in the rear, but Rahm Emanuel insisted that we take you along, and I'm not really comfortable with pissing that guy off. You ever woken up next to a reindeer head?” Santa shivered at that statement. I had an idea what he was talking about there since the “rabbit hole” incident. As a matter of fact I have been meaning to get even with Rahm for that whole ordeal, but I haven't come up with the money for the six gallons of gasoline, 3 balls of yarn, eighteen number two pencils, a jar of pickles, and two brass thimbles my stupid brother says I need to get even properly {don't ask} and have had to put it on hold for now. This can't be very good.

“I definitely understand,” I finally said to Santa, “That guy can kill you with his creepy eyes alone!”
Santa gave another shudder and said, “I'm just thankful he's Jewish because the things he would have done to me for his yearly lump of coal. Not that I don't have to worry about a lot of evil lil bastards in Chicago as it is,” which on that note gave an extra sharp snap of the reigns. Rudolf turned his head and spit at him.

At this moment a strange noise came out of the front of the sleigh. A ringing sound and I could hear a groan from my escort as he reached up under the sleigh's footfalls to pull out the receiver of a red phone. Oh boy, this can't be good, or at the very least coherent. “You know you shouldn't call me when I'm driving,” he said into the receiver. He covered the mouthpiece and then said to me, “That stupid humming of the teleprompter every time he talks gets on my last nerve,” and I had one of my questions answered without even asking it, “Look sir, I need to hand you over to Imtoocutus so I can drive .. Imtoocutus, the one you sent me to pick up .. No sir he's been kidnapped and can't rescue himself, you were talking to Imtoocutus .. The one I picked … UGH .. Here you talk to him,” and with that he handed me the phone.

“.. Let me be clear. I need a sack of White Castle here. The first lady has me on a new diet, and the light cigarettes alone are making me hungry for some White Castle ..” and I pulled the phone away from my ear. After a few seconds I put it back, “.. I refuse to be held hostage by the Republicans not letting me have White Castle,” and after I looked back at Santa he shrugged at me.

I listened {off and on} to another twenty minutes of “White Castle” and at least twenty minutes of “McDonald's” and then something about “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese” but I was really starting to lose consciousness at that point. Santa was getting pretty sick of me turning from the phone and asking a perfectly legitimate question every few minutes .. “Are we there yet?” and he even got to the point of yelling at me, “WHEN I WAS A BOY, WE NEVER GOT THERE .. AND WE LIKED IT!” which disrupted the president long enough to change back from “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese” to a story about the longest trip he ever took to get to a White Castle!

Finally as if it had been weeks since I had seen land we could see off in the distance a great white mass of land. Yep, that would have to be Antarctica, and I could feel my sigh of relief as I was sick of looking at nothing but ocean for the last few hours. Listening to tales of all the crap Obama would eat if his wife would let him hasn't helped either. Santa placed his hand on my shoulder and said, “Better buckle up, there's no way the penguins will leave this place undefended like last time,” and what the hell was that supposed to mean? I didn't have to wait long to find out either as big turrets started lifting out of the ice like a really corny scene from one of the Terminator movies. As corny as it was six surface to air missiles being launched at you isn't as exciting as it sounds.

There was a red glow that came out of the front of the sleigh now as a flashing “evasive maneuvers” light came on. What the hell does Santa need a red alert notification system on his sleigh for? Of course as if he had read my mind Santa shouted out over the hiss of passing missiles, “There are still lots of Christians in Lebanon and Israel!” but that was lost in the mire of eight jets crossing the horizon and flying strait at us. Holy Moses these penguins are serious!

The first pass by revealed that all I could see in the cockpits were the very tops of little black heads. As they passed by the second time they unleashed everything they had, and let me tell you, I for one was rather shocked at how fast and maneuverable a sleigh pulled by reindeer's can be! Unfortunately it couldn't last forever, as we felt the jolt of one the back end of the sleigh tearing apart from the gunfire of one of the jets, and a fast dive from the sky and strait towards the ice below. You have no clue the speed from up to down in a crisis situation but even if I used the bad words Santa was shouting the whole way down I wouldn't have had the time to think them up before the sleigh and reindeer went thumping into the ground .. To be continued