Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2010 #2


Oh yeah, walking through countless feet worth of snow, shackled with a blindfold on is a real treat. We were surrounded by penguins carrying automatic weapons before I had even had the chance to shake the cobwebs off. On a brighter note Santa had had his sleigh equipped with airbags or I'm sure they would have had to scoop me up and dispose of me. Rudolf had gone mental just like Santa had hoped, but the sheer number of penguins had overcome him, and I saw him getting bound up and tied to a sled before they had actually thrown all the chains and the blindfold on me. Santa was no slouch either, I think he had been taking martial arts of some sort, and it ain't pretty watching a seven foot hulk of a man getting all Bruce Lee on twenty or so three foot tall penguins, but alas the sheer numbers did him in as well. As for me, not so much.

I'm happy to say that I wore my stay puft jacket considering my breath was coming out, crystallizing and falling in front of me. It made it hard for me to ask the first few hundred questions, but once I got warmed up I was on a roll, “Why are you evil? How far is it now? Why do I have a blindfold on? How come you don't live somewhere warmer?” and in the beginning I had them right where I wanted them. Well that was until they gagged me as well.

We trudged and we trudged until I was just about at the breaking point of my little legs. What a brilliant idea to just fly off to Antarctica on a moments notice, just to find a heavily armed fortress waiting for us. To be honest I was completely in the dark until I heard a voice that could only be my arch nemesis say, “See! I told you that a gag would work!” and I couldn't even tell him off with the stupid gag in my mouth. Hell I couldn't even use my secondary weapon {a good pinch} with my hands shackled together. Heaven forbid he show any gratitude that I at least TRIED to save his useless butt!

Of course they shackled me to the wall right beside Captain ADHD and I saw the Superdaddyman shackled to the wall on the other side of him. There was no sign of Lazius Boycrazius, and apparently Santa and the reindeer were taken elsewhere. The penguins and their automatic weapons were all around us, in the corner of the room was a rather large pile of batteries, how odd. Penguins came in and out dumping large handfuls of batteries in the pile, and my curiosity didn't last long when Superdaddyman said, “At least we know what happens to all those batteries that die quickly at home,” which had Captain ADHD nodding along. I was still gagged, the bastards!

Captain ADHD took advantage of the silence by talking to himself. You've never seen a person hold more involved conversations with himself than this twelve year old mastermind. Most of the time he seems to be encouraging others to overhear what he is saying, in a passive aggressive sort of way, and this time was no different. Of course I was too busy trying to work the gag away from my mouth with my tongue to take too much notice but something he mumbled got the attention of the penguins really fast. “Of course those weapons they are carrying are super secret government issue, and rumor has it that military and various unsavory Chicago thugs get their hands on them,” Don't ask me how he knows these things, but let's just say he does a lot of internet research on things the average twelve year old doesn't.
Penguins went scurrying about the second he said that, and within a few minutes a larger than normal {meaning about three feet tall} penguin came walking in and smacked Captain ADHD across the face. After pulling out a step ladder of course, because despite the Captain's slightly smaller size he is still a giant as compared to the average penguin. The penguin then jumped off the ladder just as Captain ADHD seemingly kicked it out from under his feet, “What do you know kid?” the penguin lashed out at him. Take it from me, that was a stupid question.

“I know that you all seem to be rather well stocked, and my best guess would be that a certain evil bastard with bulging eyes and a lack of Christmas appreciation, is probably behind it,” the Captain said in a bit of a mumble which means his passive-aggressive skills are being sharpened as we speak. This of course brought the step ladder back, and another smack across his face. I of course had just about worked the gag out of my mouth, and was about to say the name, that he was eluding too. After all I had fallen prey to one of this evil doers plots in the past, although it was nice to be respected as a queen. It only fits my adorable personality. Of course the penguin put in charge of watching me firmly reattached the gag before I could quite get it off my mouth.

Of course around the corner and into the cell walked the Ghost of Easter past walked into the cell, and he didn't need a step ladder to walk over and smack Captain ADHD. “You are a shrewd one, but keep in mind that you are MY prisoner at the moment,” Rahm Emanuel said to Captain ADHD. “You've been very active keeping my bid to take over Chicago, and I had to do something about that didn't I?”

Captain ADHD spit blood into Rahm's face and said, “You haven't seen anything yet, you freak! You don't think I haven't taken steps to make sure the chaos ensues even if I am away from the computer?” which is no idle threat, trust me I've seen this kid at work, “Tomorrow every major newspaper in the country will receive expertly Photoshopped images of you and a goat in lingerie!” which bought him another smack across his face, but Rahm was done with him for the moment, as he turned to look at me.

“As for you Ms. Toocutus, you should have listened to your brother and gotten the six gallons of gasoline, 3 balls of yarn, eighteen number two pencils, a jar of pickles, and two brass thimbles, when you had the chance, but you didn't!” he let out a fiendish laugh that didn't scare me of course. Lack of mortality sense is an advantage of a ten year old girl after all. “That's the one thing I have going for me, is that you are to busy yammering away to listen to any good advice,” and what the hell did he expect? That's also the character traits of a ten year old girl!
Little did Rahm know that my greates super power couldn't be quelled for long. Actually ask around and you will know that NOBODY can keep my quiet for this long, unless of course it brings some advantage to me! Using nothing more than sheer mental force the gag ripped away from my mouth, and I used my super ability to evil quite proper! “Why did you kidnap us? Does the president know you are here? Why do your eyes bulge out like that when you are angry? How come you are turning red? Why do you think the penguins will be able to stop us? Didn't your mother hug you as a baby? Why are you evil? Where is my sister?”

The stream of useless non stop questions that left my mouth beguiled him and before he knew it he was taken in by my spell, and worse yet, he started answering my questions mindlessly, “Because I need you fools put away so I can take over the world through Chicago .. Of course he doesn't, he only knows what I tell him .. I don't know .. Screw you .. Because they are evil like me .. NO .. Chicago …... I don't know!” and with that last answer I had him!
My super fast evil mind knew that he had let the cat out of the bag! The president only knows what he tells him, and the president had told me that the penguins had my sister. Rahm doesn't know where she is. Instantaneously I knew what I had to do! I scrunched my face up as tight as I could and started screaming like I had fallen on a pile of broken glass, “LA LA LA LAZIUS .. LAZIUS BOYCRAZIUS!!!!” I screamed out with everything I had, huge crocodile tears flying everywhere. Rahm just looked at me all bemused, as if he thought what I was doing was simply senseless.
“HA!” he cried out into the night sky. “Now you know the real reason I have brought you fools down here! Even your voice can't penetrate the frozen air of the South Pole! I even made sure that we placed sound barriers all around the continent to muffle what little ..” THUMP!

The sound of Lazius Boycrazius's voice after Rahm {smack dab in the middle of his rant} took a near fatal blow to the back of his head, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY LITTLE SISTER BITCH!” shot out almost as loud as my own. Where do you think I get it from? I simply perfected the process.

Penguins came flying out of nowhere trying to subdue the rampaging eighteen year old criminal mastermind as she started throwing hay-makers all around. Her new boyfriend Importeus Boycrazius sauntered into the room with a scared look on his face, “I guess I vil vait in ze cah,”

Lazius Boycrazius stopped long enough to look at him and say, “That's great baby, can you just untie Santa in the next igloo, I should only be a minute,” to which he nodded and got out of there. I don't think the average boy wants to watch his girlfriend getting all super bad ass on a gang of penguins after all. She then continued smashing, throttling, and smacking skulls. It was turning into a bloody mess when she stopped and looked at the big penguin laying in a crumpled heap, and yelled down to him, “and you a-holes are going to buy me a new pair of boots cuz you got your blood all over them,” and then kicked him for good measure. Santa came running in at this point with a royally pissed off Rudolf standing next to him with at least eleven penguins impaled on his antlers. I had a faint feeling of deja vu as Rudolf urinated on Rahm Emanuel's head.

I can see how Santa get's all those toys on his sleigh, as the pile of penguins, and a rather lethargic wanna be gangster were all loaded up in the back. Lazius Boycrazius and Importeus Boycrazius both got back in his car and she spit on the pile as they drove off. I'll have to remember to ask her later how they managed to drive out here, intermixed in about seven hundred other hugely important questions that have been eating away at me for hours at least. Santa looked at us all and said, “Everyone get in the sleigh, I barely have time to get you back, drop these clowns off at the Megalopolis penitentiary, and get all the the toys out to the good boys and girls,” he scratched his beard while we filed in, “fortunately that list gets shorter and shorter every year.”

With a lashing of his whip and a thundering of hoofs the sleigh went flying into the night sky. I looked back quiet for a change feeling that somehow it went too easily in the end and thus we must have forgotten something. I went through a mental checklist as I noticed one of my favorite socks in the pile of mismatched socks. The remote to my Barbie VCR must be in that other pile, and lord only knows how many of those batteries were mine. In the end, I was just happy that Christmas is on the way again, and I have plenty of people to hug and squeeze and love and hold and name them George and Georgette! Santa was shouting out Ho Ho Ho into the sky, and it seemed to fit the scene. Even if I won't remember any of this in another four years. Ignorance is bliss. ;8o)

Meanwhile back in Antarctica a strange sound comes from one of the lone igloos in the middle of the continent. It sounds a lot like Christmas carols sung off key and with a lot of the words changed around. Of course there is nobody around to hear them. The evils's all being gone, Santa and his reindeer having already dropped them off {after a stopping at Walmart to get popcorn for Imtoocutus who had found something to nag about that she had forgotten between the “are we there yet” and “I have to pee”} and was heading north to fill his sleigh and rush around the globe. “You better not spit, you stupid little #$%*, you better not bite, you ain't that cute tonight! Superdaddyman's still chained to this wall …..”