Monday, August 9, 2010

Things You Learn From Yourself - Volume 1

This tale spans almost forty and a half years, if the truth be told but I think we will simply pick apart some of the more recent parts of this “life experiment” known as Jeremy Crow. If we stretch back about a month and a half we come upon the point in my life when I learned {for Father's Day none the less} that my third ex-wife is going to be a father. Yeah that's a long story and I think I covered that enough, but I just wanted to make sport of the fact that those types of things are normal and easy to deal with by my standards. You see on March 5, 1970 the doctor smacked me on the ass, and it all became a fascinating journey from there. Of course there are quite a few reasons I am as messed up as I am, and they all start with me.

Let's just start on the last 10 days and see how it goes. I went out on a date, because I was wondering how an old flame was doing, and BOOM it turned into obsession all over again. Seriously but why the hell does life have to be like that? Oh yeah, it has to do with the part of my brain that doesn't work right, and thus allows me to attract {and worse yet be attracted to} women like this. My last girlfriend {who we will discus in a few minutes because what is a good blog without bullshit drama} did this to me too, as she completely overwhelmed me with hearts and love and flowers, downright demanding commitments of “forever and always” from day one. Fortunately for me I forced her to slow the hell down partly because I wasn't in a position to promise anyone the world, and I wasn't going to put my kids through the usual Jeremy Crow infatuation process, but mostly because I have known this woman long enough to know that she never means it. Let me tell you, I am sick of this crap, and perfectly happy to be alone.

This of course filtered into a phone call I got from EX2 {the mother of my kids} on Wednesday asking in that sad voice if she could just come down and see the kids on Saturday. When you have been playing that game as long as I have you know that that sad voice means that she left her boyfriend {and usually hasn't figured out if the guy she left him for is keen on kids yet} and I wasn't in the mood. She had after all just started becoming a part of the kids lives again and it was about time for her to have a melt down, but as always it takes me by surprise. She never called back, so I assumed that she was just going to vanish for a while again, but she did finally get a hold of my grandmother and explained the whole story to her. To make a long story short, she landed herself in a mental hospital, and despite the small level of chaos that is might have created with the kids, I hope to hell that she is actively working on herself while she is in there. She's about a decade late getting herself the help she needs and all I can do is wish her the best of luck, but of course life with an ex-wife that has Borderline Personality Disorder is the simple expression “Trust But ALWAYS Verify.”

Now of course her whole deal is that our oldest daughter {affectionately known as Lazius Boycrazius in the blogs, who is hers by birth and mine by adoption} drove her over the edge with her hatred of her mother. Whatever yanno? Like most of the women I have managed to attract in my life they lay blameless in everything that they do, but here is the double edged sword in the whole thing, as I finally had some quiet time alone with the eldest to catch up on a lot of these things. It is the very reason I just stated that the two of them have been at war. The oldest offered the olive branch of mending the fences in her mother would just admit that her issues are her issues, and take responsibility for her actions of the past. Guilty to the end her mother continued the stories of how an entire life of misery is laid at the feet of everyone but her, and my daughter {despite what the people who take sides in all of this will tell you} became an adult responsible for her own life, by disowning her mother for her own sanity. I can't say that I am happy about this, but I am proud of her for charting her own course, and dealing with it. Of course I see little growth at this point as even the trip to the Oogie Boogie ward to get help is predicated on the blame of someone else, but as I said perhaps she will finally hear what she needs to hear and have the willingness to listen.

Phase two of all this was where I was trying to get some personal time in with my kids who are a bit anxious because their mother who had stormed back into their lives again was beginning what looked like to them, the let down and exit that she usually performs after a few weeks. This was complicated {mostly because I am high strung and have NO maternal instincts} by “the date” that was freaking out on her end because I was too involved to pay attention to her. This was easily solved by turning my cell phone off, and of course to demonstrate my lousy taste in women when I turned the cell phone back on there was a long strung out message from my last girlfriend waiting for me. Oh Lord of Joy and Great Tidings how ever do you look so fondly upon me!

Now of course she had started a long drawn out decline in our relationship. It started with the snide comments to try and bring me down a notch. This of course was after she had given up on trying to convince me that we were forever and day, but had I not been who I am I probably would have noticed the game a lot sooner. When it finally got to the point where she wasn't returning phone calls and was ignoring me to talk to everyone else I kinda knew it was time for us to talk. I asked her to free up some time to talk to me. She said she would and then ignored me for a week. Again I had known her for quite some time and knew this was that time where she was getting to know her new boyfriend and hoping that I would get sick of it and call her up and end it. She then could walk away feeling good about herself. This is fine, I can deal with this because as I said before, I am the idiot that fell for this again, so I finally did it, and it was over. Enough said right?

Her message of course was to reiterate that she wasn't cheating on me or whatever and of course to tell me about how I was too set in my ways. She couldn't fathom waiting around for me to change. I knew that this was the reason, she was going to tell me I just got sick of waiting around for her to do it. One of her worst problems is that she makes a lot of enemies so I had a couple of people telling me that she was working on her new boyfriend and I should just give up on her during her silence, but I had wanted her to just for once end it herself. A leopard doesn't change it's spots of course, and again I had to just end it, before I looked too foolish. That was until I got that text diatribe, which amounted to little more than overkill. Until that point I was just fine with the fact that she makes her own karma just like my ex-wife does, and I was lucky that I didn't have to be a witness to it all. Train wrecks are a hell of a lot more fun to watch when you don't love the train. Of course I beat her at her own game with this one, because again she told me that she would bring all my stuff back, expecting me to just say “no no, you keep it all” and that last dagger made me just say, “Yanno? I want all my stuff back,” which most likely will create complete silence between us now. I can't stay predictable forever or I won't grow as a human being.

Needless to say as I sit here writing this I do feel a lot better about most of this crap. I'm settling back into that shell to which I usually sit, where I am perfectly happy to be alone. I seriously can't stress enough how men obsess about being alone and if you can break that cycle then you are home free. The hardest part of all of it is to remember to not leave that state unless you are damn sure that it is worth it to do so. Desperation makes a horrible deodorant, and it is the easiest way to drive everyone away from you, and if there is one thing I am an expert on, it's driving everyone away from me ;8o)