Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Monster Under The Bed - Volume 4

You can never put a price tag on depression. For those that don't comprehend the issue at hand it's simply put that, nothing is worse that having your own worst enemy living inside your head. My biggest problem is environmental variables and how they change, sometimes with my permission and sometimes without it. The end result is that when I get to that point I sit in my own shit because it is warm and comfortable, and never spend a thought on how bad it starts to smell after a while. In the end it still falls under the heading of things that are out of my control and the innate inability to simply change the things that are within my grasp because I simply want to micro manage things and pray that I can just get through the next big thing. I worry, I project, and in the end I get no closure, or at the very least I almost never get the closure that I had anticipated, and isn't that pretty much the same thing?

As I sit here I am just so completely at a loss for my sanity, and lord knows in the end it isn't anything more than that same old stupid committee meeting in my head at the grand tribal council with every intention to vote ME off the island. I should just feign ignorance but that isn't how I am made up, and realistically, my trust issues are getting the best of me. My trust issues that in the past have been watered and cultivated to the point that they look like that damn plant from Little Shop of Horrors. Who knows? The fact of the matter is that I am not half as clever as I think I am and don't think that that doesn't feed the monster under the bed as well. Of course I could throw myself into .. something? Who knows what I need to simply remove my mind from my own self loathing, but if I don't find it soon I am going to snap, and the responsibility involved with snapping just isn't an option. Perhaps I should check my schedule and see if I can pencil in a nervous breakdown for next week? ;8o)