Tuesday, July 27, 2010

More Babble From the Love Addict - Volume 7

Life in the Singledaddyland is never easy, but it is often an adventure. I had given up a long time ago on having a meaningful relationship, based on the fact that my responsibilities will interfere with the whims of any woman I happen to attract for any length of time. When I say any length of time I mean quite frankly that I have learned that interest has a length of time and forever isn't a length of time. That's ok because any time you learn to be happy with yourself, and achieve that level of comfort that only you can provide for yourself you are doing great. My problem is that every time I get into that zone where I understand that I am content with me, I inevitably sabotage it by allowing someone else into my zone of comfort, and when they step out of it, it's never so much that I miss them, but that period of beating myself up because I was foolish enough to let them in there to begin with.

I am not innocent in all of this. Hell I am willing to admit that I am a major cause in all this. My last two “relationships” for lack of a better word ended almost exactly the same way, but on different ends. The one that ended last year was based on the fact that I had gotten involved with a mean woman who was pretty much “the only one that would have me” and after enough abuse she decided to ignore me for a week. It was a damn good week actually, and when she contacted me again I suggested that we continue the “silence” for the sake of my own sanity. The last one was with one of those “you know better” women {that of course would have me} and after a period of her completely smothering me with her talk of “forever” she then completely withdrew and as I type this I am on week two of her not talking to me and I just wish she would call and tell me all my faults and dump me so I can move on. It's not without precedent since she had done this to me nine years ago and I had finally fooled myself into believing she wouldn't do it to me again when she {surprise surprise} did it to me again.

The funny thing is I don't regret all of the things I have done to completely destroy any of these potential relationships. I think it might actually be a sign of growth on my part, and that's saying something. I have a long storied history of throwing myself into a woman, installing a bit of denial {since my taste in women is comically terrible} and then destroying the rest of my life until they are finished with me and run off with someone else. My last two relationships I was pretty damn honest up front that there is no family introductions until I trust them {and I still need to work on that rule as they both waited until I brought them home to then pull a nutty} and I don't play “house” when kids are involved. I don't care what anyone says, but the best way to damage your children is to introduce them to the “look who's coming down for breakfast” relationships. The last one hated this but pretended to understand for a while. As sad as it sounds I may just turn to celibacy to try to rectify those issues, and by the time I ever get another girlfriend I should be to old to have sex anyway.

Again I still resist the urge to place women that I am able to attract into two categories. Those that feel they are doing me a favor, and those that are settling. Pessimism is always the first stage of growing into your own self worth after a particularly crushing break up. I think women have it all wrong when they think that men are incapable of a healthy monogamous relationship since the only thing I look for personally is companionship, and am perfectly happy with it and feel free to skip the excitement. There's the rub though, because I don't actually think women have the ability to accept that there isn't something better and more exciting just over the next hill. It brings a smile to my face at the very least knowing that they usually find out the hard way that there isn't.

Of course as I settle into my new found loneliness I will rely on my friends as I always do what they always do, and remind me when I am starting to become misogynistic but it doesn't happen very often. Sometimes they get realist mixed up with misogynist though. My truisms get monotonous but I do use life experience to back them up. In the end as I always say, the only person who needs to love me is me, or else I will not get the proper attention needed {clothes, sleep, food, etc} and it isn't a cop out, it is the fact of life that has gotten me this far. Gray hair, wrinkles, self righteousness, arrogance, ego and all ;8o)