Sunday, May 16, 2010

Livin' With Evils's - Volume 34

It was a bright day in the streets of Megalopolis but the evil factions of darkness were still abound and in need of dealing with. Unfortunately for the great city this was one of those times when their guardian of all that which is good in this world was on the road, and the many duties of a Super Villain turned Super Hero were to go unchecked on this day. To balance out this shift of power in the region, the Caped Pervader did have possession of two of the greatest forces of evil, and were ready to unleash them on other parts of the world, were it not for his keen crime fighting abilities. You see boys and girls two of the evils's were to go to a super secret location, and the Superdaddyman was to transport them there for processing, and find something to do while being processed.

Now the planning phase of such a bold move had been in the works for weeks. The Mother of all the Evils's {MAE} had requested a parole hearing for something truly unexplainably evil that she and others had code named “A Birthday Party” and the super secret location we shall just call “Her House” had never been scoped out for security purposes by our brave young {zip it!} hero before. The initial planning phase had involved a dual duty transport situation but those plans had been squashed when MAE's co-conspirator had been summoned off to evil doings elsewhere {a place called a “Massachusetts”} and all plans for said “Birthday Party” could have been foiled. The Superdaddyman {being huge of heart as well as mind and physique} was not without feelings for the handicapped girl to whom said “Birthday Party” was to be held for, and had agreed to transport the criminals both ways because of the perplexing scenario. In theory the evils's were to be the only cohorts there in the first place and should they have not shown up the “Birthday Party” had the potential of being rather unoccupied. This would not have been acceptable regardless of the security risks to Eastbumfuckopolis where the “Birthday Party” was to be held.

Needless to say a trek to Eastbumfuckopolis had never been undertaken by our hero, so he had to use the super hero tools at his disposal {Mapquest} and take the instruction as they were laid out. Even by Mapquest standards getting to Eastbumfuckopolis was a harrowing journey that would string the Superdaddyvan through all sorts of enemy territory {Nothbumfuckopolis, The People's Republic of Maine, The Place Where They Test The Bombs aka Sanford} and the conservative estimate of an hour and a half drive was heeded well. This required a leave time of about 11:30 am to get the evils's to their destination by the 1:00 pm start time. Most non super hero types would assume that Mapquest always gives times that are longer than required but not the Superdaddyman who completely understand the technology behind “adding time for stupid drivers with no place in particular to be who will cut you off and make you follow behind them pissed off” {ATFS .. um .. D .. W? .. Screw It! .. ASSHOLES} that fill Soviet Maine on the best of days. He was not disappointed with his decision to leave a bit early albeit ready to kill small animals by the time he had gotten stuck behind his third or forth Henry, Maude or Mildred trying to decipher if Blanche lived there, or there, or even there!

Upon reaching the destination {note this was the first MAE secret hide out that involved dirt roads} the evils's {in this case Captain ADHD and Imtoocutus as Lazius Boycrazius played the “Not on a Bet” card and refused to go} shot from the Yiddle Blue Bus and started perpetrating their evil like a buzzsaw. The compound to which was supposed to be devoid of other evils's of course was completely full of them. All the co-conspirators that were unavailable for evils's transportation were there, and the Superdaddyman took it all in stride. If there is one thing that a Super Hero expects, it's the unplanned and unexplainable. He also understands the “quick exit” as all offerings to “stick around” fell on deaf ears. One must understand that in the “olden days” when the Superdaddyman was actually legally attached to MAE it was his job to entertain his and everyone else's evils's while the gang worshiped the “Gods of Beer” and it got old rather quickly. Thanks to being “legally removed” from this crime family, he no longer has to deal with this anymore. This only left the turmoil of having to occupy his time for a couple of hours, an hour and a half away from Megalopolis in Eastbumfuckopolis, which in and of itself is a task to behold. Enter the idea to backtrack twenty minutes to “The Place Where They Test The Bombs” {SANFORD} and a satellite of the Superdaddyman's uber secret training facility {Planet Fitness} for a bit of Hulksmash!

Upon finding the ten miles under the speed limit idiot that would escort the Superdaddyman back to his next destination, he was off and running again. Keeping in mind that the Superdaddyman hadn't scoped out this “other” uber secret training facility but it was also very new which meant it would have the newer version of the training machines that look like toys. Well let's be honest here boys and girls, “Toys” is the wrong word for them all. Our favorite young {hey, write your own stories damnit!} Super Hero has been onto the evil scheme by the Chinese for world domination for a long time now. It's one of the reasons that he frequents the uber secret training centers, so that he can scope out the diabolical new machines that the Chinese government has put into place to see how much torture the American mental state can handle. Realistically speaking if the Chinese government hadn't been watching Americans {through secret cameras they have set up in all the facilities} actually put themselves in these bendy, twisty, painful, contortion machines daily, execute these maneuvers tens of thousands of times over the course of a year, they would have invaded decades ago. They have enough statistical data to conclusively determine that “the wet noodle” and “water torture” they so proudly use to get information doesn't mean crap in … Um .. We're getting a little off topic boys and girls .. sorry.

Now of course aside from sculpting the impressive body that makes all the women swoon, there is always the other important necessity of hitting the training centers. That would be keeping an eye on the fair maidens to which the Superdaddyman has fearlessly and faithfully kept an eye on all these years. Heaven forbid, any fair maiden in Megalopolis go without careful inspection by the Superdaddyman, and while in The Place Where They Test The Bombs, he might as well inspect the fair maidens of the desolate strip mall where the uber secret training facility here is located. Strategically the location of this place should have been perfect for inspecting fair maidens {located between a Fashion Bug and a Florsheim Shoes not to mention the fair maidens that should be scoping out the facility for their own needs} but apparently there is a fair maiden shortage in this part of the world. As luck would have it there appears to be a shortage of “would do it if I were really really drunk” maidens in this part of the world too. The Superdaddyman actually found himself getting a much better and more intense workout than usual as he was trying to avoid the gazes of the “still wouldn't look good with teeth” maidens and the “how many children can one woman possibly have” maidens. By the time the Caped Pervader was finished in this locale the term “escaped” had come to his mind as he fired up the Superdaddyvan and was tearing off in search of a Wal-Mart. Of course within 10 minutes our hero would find out that the Wal-Mart closed down. How pitiful is your city if it can't support a Wal-Mart?

Back at the Eastbumfuckopolis compound {after a wonderful drive behind a blue haired old lady driving a thirty year old Cadillac. Wanna guess how fast she was driving?} the guardian of all that is the evils's, did his best to round up his two, and get them shackled into the prisoner transport. One of them {Imtoocutus of course} was perfectly fine with the ol' skeedaddledeedle, and the other {Captain ADHD who else?} was playing the ol' slowmomo and adding at least an extra twenty minutes to the ordeal. The good news to the whole endeavor was the fact that the evils's did maintain a certain level of moderately undamaged. The slow shlog {after finding the ten to fifteen miles under the speed limit tour guide for the drive home} lasted an entire hour and forty five minutes this time. The evils's managed to refrain from their favorite game {WILL YOU STOP TOUCHING ME!!!} for more than half of it. The scary reality that everyone involved might actually be “growing up” didn't escape the Superdaddyman at all ;8o)