Monday, April 5, 2010

Superdaddyman Takes on Oxycottontail - Part 4

Continued from earlier .. see part one here .. see part two here .. see part three here .... There was still a muffled yelling coming from the pocket of Rahm Emanuel from a still shrunken Joe Biden, as our brave young {zip it!} Super Hero turned savior of Holiday cheer Superdaddyman was leading the way towards the clearing ahead. Rahm looked down at Captain ADHD and said, “I have to give it to you kid, keeping Joe small and in my pocket was a brilliant idea. It was getting to be a burden worrying about him burning, breaking or touching himself when we least needed that,” and he patted Captain ADHD on the shoulder. That last doorway where the doorknob seemed to be a mile away wouldn't have been so difficult if Joe hadn't spent 20 minutes rolling around on the floor after seeing the sign that said “Eat Me” so what originally started as a flippant comment actually turned into brilliance. As we all know, the Captain just rolls that way.

The clearing ahead was eery and green glowing, but the sounds of muttering came from it. The Superdaddyman of course fears nothing, and this has a lot to do with the fact that he gave up on a peaceful life so long ago that he had even gone as far as to be foolhardy. As he walked ahead the almost equally as evil Rahm and Captain ADHD took the opportunity to take notes on how to foil our favorite super hero, with the usual futility of those that don't comprehend greatness. This was when the enemy struck, like a desperate thief in the night and with the blinding speed of that which could only be a rabbit!

The Caped Pervader found himself in a precarious predicament as a human sized rabbit had him by the throat, with a gun pressed up against the side of his head. Partially through Iron nerve and mostly because of disassociation with reality the Superdaddyman didn't even break a sweat. The voice of the big rabbit came out and was pointed at the stunned Rahm and Captain ADHD, “Take one more step and the clown from the really bad comic books gets it!”

You could see the overwhelming concern in the eyes of both of the evil messengers of the world as they started making their fear known audibly with their comments of “I don't have a problem with that,” and “Don't get any blood on my shoes I picked them up in Italy,” and even “You can keep him if you want?”

The Superdaddyman sensing the dire circumstances and the utter importance of the mission selflessly told them to not give in to this strung out terrorist rabbit. He was strong and reassuring as he always is, and after telling them to go on without him, they voiced their fear and concern with his safety by stating things like “Yeah whatever,” and “There we're shot of all the idiots now,” and of course, “I hope he had insurance, I could use a new bike.”

After the two sources of evil trapped in this compact to save the world had wearily walked from the scene the Superdaddyman had started formulating his plot to get out of this hairy predicament. You could hear the fear in the big rabbits voice as he said, “Damn dude, how pathetic are you?” and with that he appeared to grasp the peril as it was laid out for him, because he let the Superdaddyman go. He then added with what could only be described as great fear in his voice, “Well you might as well come along, I don't want an idiot like you burning down the forest left alone here,” and the Superdaddyman followed along if only to keep an eye on this fiendish super villain.

“So you must be the diabolical Oxycottontail?” the Superdaddyman said from behind the big rabbit that was walking along the path. His commanding presence obviously left the rabbit terrified because he didn't even bother to answer, he just made the sound of air coming out of a tire. As we all know the awe inspiring Superdaddyman has that effect on people, after all.

The pathway finally led into a clearing where a big table was set up, and to the astonishment of our brave hero, there sat Max Baucus with a long hose hanging from his mouth and attached to a human sized hooka puffing smoke out of it. In a far more garbled and slurred voice than usual {and that's saying something} the missing member of the gang of six spoke out, “Heeeey man, you gotta try sum of dis stuff, it's,” and he trailed off for a moment to took another puff. He dazed out into space and then said, “Who is you anyway?”

The rabbit hopped over to the stoned senator and proclaimed, “You take this idiot with you! He came in here and has been boinking away at all my good stash!” and he kicked him, to which he didn't seem to notice. “No wonder you over worlders are so messed up, if you let morons like this make your laws, god damnit!”

At that moment a big wide grin opened out of nowhere. It was the brightest set of white and goofy teeth, and it didn't appear to be hooked to any body, but somehow was transfixed into the tree. A voice came out of it sounding eerily familiar while at the same time strange because it was just a mouth after all. The Superdaddyman with his keen and cunning senses immediately shot his glance to the teeth which said, “You do realize that life isn't as easy as a quest for the obvious?”

Now of course the Superdaddyman has never been accused of being a master of the obvious, so instinctively he figured that the teeth was onto something. The rabbit was involved in a tug of war over the hooka with the moron from Montana, and neither of which seemed to perplexed over the debate or even to notice it at all. The Superdaddyman figured that advice from strangers {so strange that they don't even appear to have a body} is always a brilliant idea, he states more than asks, “I imagine that the rabbit isn't behind the disappearance of the Easter Bunny huh?”

The teeth at that point hopped down from the tree in a sorts and started approaching the Superdaddyman and becoming more visible all around. As the face became more revealed he noticed that the person looks more and more like a Romulan than a human being. How strange is that? In the last moment as the little man was standing directly in front of him he realized that it was none other than Dennis Kucinich, “What did you expect, someone who has a grounding in reality?” the little Romulan said to him. “I could spin you a big story and all, but I have a meeting with the President, because he promised to let me play with the bodies in Hangar 18. What say you ask the rabbit instead of asking everyone but the rabbit? Hmm?” and with that he just vanished clear into nothingness.

At this time our brave young {damnit get your own blog if you have an opinion!} super hero stared blankly at the two characters {for lack of a better word} and contemplated asking the rabbit what was up. After a few minutes it became a lot easier as Max finally had the upper hand and was sitting on the rabbit and puffing away again on the hooka and getting the giggles. The Superdaddyman asked plainly, “Are you Oxycottontail?”

The rabbit replied “Ergle mrfl glfh” since Max was after all sitting on his face. The Superdaddyman used his superior strength to knock the senator from peace and loveland off of the rabbit so that he could say, “No I'm father Christmas you boob!” The Superdaddyman was about to put Max back on the rabbits head when he started blurting out, “Look I go by a lot of names and Oxycottontail is just one of them, now put the idiot away and let me get on in peace!”

The Superdaddyman, always keen to when he has the upper hand asked the next question, “Were you involved with the disappearance of the Easter Bunny?” and the rabbits eyes widened as he started shaking his head back and forth. “Well who did then?”

The rabbit cleared his throat and said clearly “I go by many names. I was born by the name that you would best know, Peter Cottontail,” and the Superdaddyman gasped as he felt like he was in a bad Cold Case episode, but when in Rome, “Now all of that hippity hoppiting down bunny trails etc, can be taxing on a rabbit especially if you have to cover the earth in Easter crap for a bunch of miserable brats every year, and do it in one night! Don't give me that Santa Clause crap either kid. He's union so they have a cartel of SEIU employees perpetrating that fraud, but ever since Teddy Roosevelt had come out as anti-bunny it's been a bitch on me, and that was when Woodrow Wilson came along,”the Superdaddyman wasn't at all perplexed to consider that 100 year old rabbits are rather rare, but then again 5 foot tall ones aren't exactly everywhere either. The rabbit continued, “He had this plan to make an army of super rabbits to take over the world. Lemme tell you that guy was messed up, but he started with me since he could indoctrinate the children by using the Easter Bunny of course. This wasn't easy because all of the genetic splicing and other things required were hell on me, and not to mention all of the pain and suffering of growth hormone, you know?”

The Superdaddyman gave his head a shake so that he could gather more of this in, “That was when they developed the LSD and started cocaine farming so that I could do all of my bunny stuff in one night and slip from reality when it all got too tough on me man, ya dig?” the Superdaddyman nodded and then the rabbit continued, “It was that a-hole Franklin Roosevelt that took the funding away from 'Project Bunny Domination' and I was left to my own devices as to getting the drugs I need to get through in the world! This led me to the underworld of dealing, thanks to the nice people at Bayer Pharmaceuticals I was able to start dealing H to the peeps, and that went on great strait through Vietnam and right up until that dumbass Carter came along and started making H impossible to import with all the gas bullcrap and all, so I had to get sneaky like see?” the story was becoming compelling to the Superdaddyman at this point. “Later down the road I started figuring that the way to pay for the habit was to stage a fake name and I did it after what had become my best seller, and Oxycottontail was born!”

The Superdaddyman was dumbfounded by his new information and struggled to find the correct question to ask next. When he was sure he had the best one he asked, “So does the administration know all of this since they have sent me out to find both of you as separate entities?” and he was rather proud of himself for that until he got the answer.


“They know exactly who I am and what I do, they are trying to destroy Easter itself, and they forced me to go into hiding. They knew that the only way they could get down here and deal with me was to bring along an evil little creature known as an 'Imtoocutus' so I hope to GOD that you idiots didn't bring her along with you!” and the Superdaddyman started choking up at the end of the statement, “Oh my Lord you really are that stupid aren't you?” .. to be continued