Monday, April 5, 2010

Superdaddyman Takes on Oxycottontail - Part 2

Continued from earlier .. see part one here {part 2 as told by the Diabolical Captain ADHD}... So as I sit here with the Superdaddyclown explaining the whole ordeal as it was laid out to him from God knows who, but obviously someone with a brain, I am fascinated as to why anyone would want the help of this idiot. Now of course I can understand why he would want me, in on it, because someone after all has to get the job done. On the right of me I see a slightly less idiotic, but far more talkative little dope babbling about candy. Like more candy in Imtoocutus's life would even shut her up enough to even pack the candy in. I digress.

Apparently the president is up to some plot to rid the world of the Superdaddymoron, and had figured that the best thing to do was send me along to make sure that he goes the way of that stupid Easter Bunny. Yeah I can see how you would think that I would be Pro-Bunny, but lets get real here. I gave up on that stupid bunny when he started going peep happy on me. Who in the name of God would considered a duck shaped marshmallow with stale sugar on it a great thing? Sure it beats the crap out of those orange peanut looking things, but suck is suck my friends and closest confidants. This obviously has something to do with my Italian friends from Rhode Island dealing a little heavier on the stupid rabbit than I had wished, but sometimes a lesson can't be learned and a do-over is in line. I just hope they hid the body good enough so I don't have to do any clean up.

So get this, my nemesis actually looks at the two of us and starts talking like we are idiots, “Well you see we are going to get picked up by a helicopter and go save the Easter Bunny. Does that sound like fun?” No it doesn't sound like fun you freaking dullard in a cowl! The simpering moron sitting next to me is nodding like a dumbass, so I guess that means I am going to be outnumbered. Maybe I can dump her stupid little rear out the helicopter while I'm at it?

I foolishly decided to interject here, which was going to cause smoke out of Suppernumnutz as he tries to think up a retort of sorts, but screw him you know? The world is about entertaining the intelligent like me after all. “So you mean to tell me that we are supposed to go looking for a rabbit in a helicopter with an idiot from Delaware, an idiot from Montana and a ring leader from Chicago? You really think this is going to end well?” and a blank stare. Always the blank stare as this clown tries to comprehend my brilliance. “What? Was that idiot from Pennsylvania that sounds like Boris Karloff unavailable?”

Oh like I care as the dingaling starts ranting about all the boys and girls who are counting on us. The moron next to me is eating it all up. The little kiss ass. I still don't see how this effects me, but at the very least I can deal with this whole discrepancy in proper Easter candy when we find the fluffy mafioso.

It was at this point that a huge blue helicopter started touching down on the front lawn. This is no small feet as the Casi Di Evils's is hidden deep in the middle of the woods, but you never know the lengths government will intervene with even the smallest of things like holding the world hostage for one meeeeelion dollars. I wonder who that goofy old guy in the pinstripes, or the drunk old weirdo? There amongst them all is a personal hero of mine though! It is the sultan of thugocracy himself Rahm Emanuel! I'll have to get some pointers from him, was all I could think as he was the first one off the helicopter to greet me, “So you are the Diabolical Captain ADHD,” and I nodded as he tried to crush my hand in his. What an amateur! The secret is to say nothing, and let the other “side” keep up the information stream. “Mayor Daly keeps an entire drawer on you in his office.”

Well that took me back a bit, but of course he should as I will have to take Chicago sooner or later. I didn't let down my guard so much as I gave the mutual respect amongst the “enlightened evil” as I said to him, “Excellent, I am a great fan of both of your work. Nice job on the whole POTUS thing,” to which of course he feigned complete and utter ignorance, like I knew he would. This will be a tough one.

The first old guy with the silly hair plugs hopped off the helicopter at this point. He reminds me of that dude in the Holodeck from Deep Space 9 but who knows with these people. He of course walked right over to the Superdaddykook and said something about hookers and brandy before the subject was changed abruptly by Rahm. “What the most brilliant Vice President in the history of the world meant to say was, we need to get moving so that we can get to our objective.”

Taking the initiative as I often do, being surrounded by idiots and all I interjected, “And what exactly is the objective here. I was under the impression that you were bringing us in to assist in solving the 'Easter Bunny' mystery?” and there was an audible silence from everyone as they stared at me. I really hate having “the brain” in these situations.

“The SPRING HOLIDAY bunny, as we prefer to call it ..” out of the helicopter I could have sworn I heard someone babbling about “Wabbits .. it's wabbit season!” Rahm shot a dirty glance at the helicopter and then continued, “Well you know the story about Peter Cottontail, and the bunny trail, and all the hippity hoppity etc etc?” Everyone nodded and after a smack from Imtoocutus the Superdaddyninny did as well, “Well we have had it under good authority and several well placed spy microphones that Peter Cottontail is in fact the TAFKTEB ..”

“What the hell is a tafkteb?” I threw in for good measure.

Rahm called me an antisemite, but I let that slide because I don't like to get on people about their potty mouths, and then continued “Peter Cottontail has a little known twin brother, well actually he has 4 or 5 twin brothers and several twin sisters, but the one in particular that we are worried about is a rather bad one named Oxy Cottontail,” he looked at me really sly like and, “He used to be our inside rabbit on some drug stings, but went over to the 'other side' and has been slated for termination of contract, and we think he has taken Peter hostage.” Leave it to the federal government to have drug cartels in the bunny world but ok?

“Now first and foremost, we have to keep a lid on this, as we will be going deep into the underworld of counterculture, to try and rescue Peter,” Rahm started on again leaving more and more to the imagination, “There are simple rules that you should follow if you want to get out of this rather unscathed, but we have been infiltrating this world for some time now, and should get through it all painlessly. I have drafted this simple document that most of us should be able to read except Max, because saying the word Rabbit gets him going every time,” at that there was a shout of “Waskwy Wabbits!” from inside the helicopter again.

I opened up the mission fact sheet, and started observing “The Rules” with a bit of a confusion. 1. One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small 2. The ones that mother gives you, don't do anything at all 3. Go ask Alice when she's ten feet tall “Ok what is this crap?” I had to ask and the look on Rahm's face said it all. Well it said that he could hide my body. Ok back to the list I went 4. If you go chasing rabbits and you know you're going to fall, tell em' a hookah smoking caterpillar has given you the call 5. Call Alice when she was just small 6. When men on the chessboard get up and tell you where to go and you've just had some sort of mushroom and your mind is moving slow, go ask Alice I think she'll know 7. When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead and the white knight is talking backwards and the red queen's “off with her head” remember what the door mouse said, “keep your head!”

I looked at Rahm Emanuel who was nodding at me eerily and said, “Are you jacked up on what the mindless hippies that wrote this crap were? Are we going after the hippies now?”


He looked at me most seriously with those bulging eyes and leaned in really closely, “You aren't quite ready for Chicago yet kid, if you can't even decipher the code of J Edgar Hoover. We're going after the Big Bad down that rabbit hole. Do you think you have the stones?” and I gulped out of fear for the first time in my illustrious career .. To be continued