Saturday, April 10, 2010

Superdaddyman Takes on Oxycottontail - Part 8

Continued from earlier .. see part one here .. see part two here .. see part three here .. see part four here .. see part five here .. see part six here .. see part seven here {part 8 as told by Oxy Cottontail}... Ok, I've had enough of listening to these idiots opine, so let me tell you what really happened here. I'm happy I got to keep my head and all, but I'm a stoned mutant rabbit that has been alive for over a hundred years, so I might have liked the outcome better. When you get right down to it, listening to those three idiots arguing over on the stage was getting under my skin faster than those fleas I got dumping Easter Eggs in Detroit! The good news here is that you can't expect a walking playing card to tie up a talking rabbit {oh God I never realized how many drugs I'm on until I said that} very well. With a little wriggling and squiggling I was able to get my paws free, and loosen up the rest of the binds. Now the internal battle began, as I looked at the three clowns in the stockades. If I were reasonable I would leave them all there to rot, but I also had to factor in that if I didn't let them go, someone might come looking for at least one of them. Worse yet, the really stupid one under the glass could get out and impregnate one of the field mice or something around here and ruin the entire underworld in a matter of months. Grudgingly I released the one they call the Superdaddyman first.

Yeah he started babbling about saving the world and other yadditta dadditta but I don't get paid to narate his idiotic stories, and I definitely ain't doing it pro bono. I let the scary little one who thinks he's so smart next. Blah blah blah take over the world blah blah blah, and then I considered whether or not to let the one with the bulging eyes out. I mean he kinda was responsible for all this, but you also have to factor in the whole “evil never dies” thing and I wouldn't want him above all others down here with me. The little one they were calling Captain ADHD was talking about getting a ransom for him, and that was when I decided that he had to be let go and eschewed out of Wonderland.

The little one squeeking about hookers and if anyone knows him got shoved unceremoniously in the pocket of the big stupid one {as opposed to the big evil one with the bulging eyes} and I started leading them towards the path out of here. “What about Max?” he said to me as we were wandering to the pathway from the clearing, and then he added, “Well we can't just leave him down here can we?”

I of course had had enough of all of their stupidity and threw out there, “Do you really think anyone up there is going to miss him?” and I didn't get an answer but could feel the troop following along behind me. That was all the answer I needed. “Do we need to get some more of those wafers to grow the micro moron back again?”

The evil one with the bulging eyes didn't hesitate to say, “No I think this will work to our advantage long term if he can't go out in public anymore. We can set him up a little doll house somewhere, and use a camera to show people he is alive from time to time, and that's all the purpose he serves.” and YES he was completely serious.

At the end of the last trail, the spot that these dingalings found their way into the real world was littered with shredded up paper, which appeared to be eerily similar to the remnants of playing cards. Sitting in the middle of the pile looking up was the girl that showed up late sitting on a screaming little evils's and she started off before we even got there, “How do you live around all of these stupid card people, and why didn't you deal with them before now?”

I thought about it for a moment before I realized that these were at one time the residents of Wonderland, that had been shredded to death by someone with a very nasty temper, and I figured I should respond timidly. Damn rabbit instincts, “well until now I never thought they could die,” I said and awaited a response. One didn't come unless you count the screaming from Imtoocutus laying on her stomach with her larger counterpart sitting on her back, or from the pocket of Ramn which {you know the lines} appears to never shut up no matter how dumb he sounds.

“Well Jack? How the hell do we get out of here?” Lazius Boycrazius asked getting to her feet and holding Imtoocutus by the back of her neck, “Stop squirming, you're in enough trouble brat, when Greektradgedius Inyiddish and Greektradgedius Intraining get their hands on you! They told you specifically 'no world domination until you get to high school' and I'm telling!”

I looked up the 50 or so feet to the hole in the sky and said, “You just jump,” like it wasn't obvious enough with all the other peculiar things that go on down here. She didn't even argue, she just jumped and it was like invisible little hands lifted her up and out of the hole in the sky. I turned to the other three and a half, and said “Ok, you clowns it's time for you all to get out of my world, and Rahm, don't you even think about coming back here, because I will set up traps for you next time around!”

Rahm looked at me with a dull stare and neither agreed or disagreed. He walked over to the spot that Lazius Boycrazius had jumped with Imtoocutus and jumped himself. Invisible hands lifted him up and out of the rabbit hole {thank God} leaving the arch enemies left behind. “Ok Captain, you're next,” I beckoned him along to the spot, and he scuttled along using his blazing ADHD speed and launched himself up and through the hole. “That leaves just you!”

Of course the Superdaddyman wasn't going to get out of here without trying to discern some deep seeded meaning out of all this. Geeze, if this is the best super hero that they can throw at me, the world as a whole is doomed. He lifted a finger in what he seriously thinks is a prophetic gesture and asks, “What about you Peter? Are you going to continue your job as the Easter Bunny after all of this?”

Like I could care less about the stupid Easter Eggs, but the fact remains that I don't have a better way to smuggle my drugs around the planet, so I'll have to keep the gig. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like at the various checkpoints around the world if I didn't have my “One Night a Year” super secret diplomatic immunity visa! “Of course I will Superdaddyman,” I said in my most 'golly gee Mr. Kent' voice so that the condescension was there, but not enough for this bozo to pick up on it, “You can go back and tell the President that you saved Easter!” and that was all it took to get that goofy dude to lighten up and head over to the jump point.

Of course he stalled again, and I had to stand there with the sickening grin on my face long enough to keep him thinking that all is well. He then said, “I'll keep the others from bothering you again, and I'll tell the Obama that you died. I think that was why he really sent us down here,” and there was a part of me that was completely shocked that he seemed to actually get something on his own for a change.


After he jumped and was carried out of the hole I stood there looking up at it wondering what life would bring for all of those morons. If the Superdaddyman can get a clue then maybe there is hope for the world, I was thinking about that for about 2 minutes exactly. Then I snapped my cloven paws and made the hole disappear into nothingness. I may be a rabbit, but I'm not stupid ;8o)