Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Deadly Sins Therapy - Volume 15

Today we will be working on Pride and the therapeutic methods of eliminating it from your consciousness. It takes more than just pills, but you just gotta love getting older as it pertains to Pride Extraction Therapy. I had my yearly physical yesterday which meant I got to go through one of the many humiliations that make up my life on a day to day basis. I'm sure that most people would think, “Oh it's time for Jeremy to get a finger in his butt?” but that isn't the case in the literal sense. No this is just another one of those opportunities for me to stick my own finger in my own butt and how I get from point A to point B.

You see, I scheduled the appointment with my doctor for 1:30 in the afternoon so that I could get it over with, get some errands run, drop off whatever prescriptions I have this round, and pick up Captain ADHD after his after school programs. Of course my life is such, that any week I have a doctor's appointment all of the kids will have theirs and the school will make sure that they all have school obligations {all 3 %$^&ing schools too} and it will make the moderately uncomfortable, that much more miserable. Needless to say before I was even in the doctor's office I had already been alerted that the next 3 days were going to have no time to stop and think.

We went over the usual things at my doctor's office. Arthritis has gotten worse {there's a pill for that} got some blood coming out of the wrong orifice {there's bigger pills for that and you don't swallow them} have the stupid fungus in my finger and toe nails that comes back every few years {pills cream and that damn odor} the nerves in my spine have receded again {there are pills for that and coincidentally they will also give you an erection} and the wonderful finale, they lost my lab results that I had to fast 13 hours for last week. I already have the pills for that. Aside from that I complained about the same old moles that hurt when I bump them against things, and the doctor complimented me on the shape I was in this go around, while nagging me about my smoking.

Murphy's law would have it that the really hot young thing that works at the pharmacy would be there when you dropped off your prescriptions for Lamasil, Anulsol, Cialis, Simvastatin and Naprocin just so you can stand there sweating as you try to look younger than your 5 prescriptions would lead one to believe. Now because I have been down this road before {minus the Naprocin and Anulsol, because I am an arthritis and hemorrhoid virgin at this point} so I wasn't all that surprised. I've even gotten over that whole feeling that all the women at the pharmacy must go out back and have a good laugh after reading off the prescription bottles to each other. No this isn't because of having to drop these things off, it is because of the usual humiliation that happens when I go to pick these things up the next day. Did you expect this year to be any different?

Now of course my grandmother slipped me a list of other things that I had to pick up for the kids in with all of this. The same things she knew I would need to get since Friday but spared me all of the agony of getting these things in my free and unencumbered time, to allow me to run around and get them when I am well over taxed. What the hell I might as well suffer the hell of picking up bottled water, tampons, tights, and various other odds and ends in all of this as well. I had a plan though, since I knew that simply picking up all my prescriptions would NEVER be that easy. I went to grab them first so that I wouldn't be in a line at Wal-Mart explaining why I need boner meds, suppositories, fungus cream and pain meds while holding tights for a 9 year old girl and tampons. I dunno, but I figured I could limit the pain. The stupidity of a single father with issues huh?

Oh hell no, the insurance company was going to have to make an event about me picking up erectile dysfunction medication, and have the same cutie that took my prescriptions explain it to me. Went through this last year and the year before too, and have learned that a few minutes of humiliation is easier than looking like a lying mid life crisis male who takes 3 of these pills a year for a collapsed disk. In other words I was fully prepared for this, but what I wasn't prepared for was the lecture about why I wasn't getting the suppositories today. UGH! Boner meds are at least cool in the significance that it might look like I get laid, but having interactions explained to me over something I am going to shove in my ass with a line standing behind me at Wal-Mart was a bit unexpected. This should show what an idiot I am for expecting to micromanage a humiliating incident. Jeremy will never learn. Needless to say I get to go back at least one more time and justify my need to have a boner and horse tranquilizer sized pills shoved in my ass. Knowing my luck it will be two or three times and they will hire a much cuter girl to explain these things to me next time!

Woe and dread aside, assuming that I get the medications in the next few days I will have another 360 some odd days to look forward to and plot against this scenario next year. I would be an idiot if I even got my hopes up that there wouldn't be this scenario next year. I'd probably never even have a blog if it wasn't for the mundane in this world and the ability to see it as what it is, an all out assault on Jeremy from the powers that be in Operation Get Jeremy {OGJ}. Standing in the other line holding the tampons, toothpaste, bottled water, tights, Popsicle sticks, glue, and various other oddities, was the highlight of this day so far. At least the middle aged guy ringing me up there looked at the pile of supplies and placed it into the perfect context and gave me some sympathy ;8o)