Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2009 #2


This is where it gets a bit sketchy for me as the days barreled along. When I was younger Christmas would never come, but every year Christmas sneaks up on me more often as I get older. TAFAKK was finding himself more and more bogged down with the company shrink at Macy's who never could seem to live and let live. The Macy's corporation was thrilled with the huge sales that they were having at the store, and the egghead do-nothing psychiatrist that the ACLU lawyers forced on them was preoccupied with TAKAKK's insistence that he was Kris Kringle. I have to tell you that there are two types of crazy in this world and TAFAKK was definitely the lesser of both. I would say that I couldn't tolerate the know it all shrink for 3 minutes if I had to see him everyday.

He finally did it though when The Superdaddyman went to pick up Kris Kringle after work on the twentieth of December. Imtoocutus went along with him, and the two of them were in the lobby waiting for him to get out of another one of those infernal mental sessions. I heard about it all second hand, and I was shocked about it after the fact. The shrink came walking out yelling at TAFAKK about how Santa Claus doesn't exist and that is why he wasn't Santa Claus. Imtoocutus never being one to stay out of a fight or anyone's business started badgering the Psychiatrist about TAFAKK being the actual Santa Claus, until the shrink looked right at her and said, “Little girl it's unhealthy for you to be involved with such fantasy, and why don't you just grow up!”

Imtoocutus of course saw the opportunity to wreak real havoc on what was already a bad situation, and started bawling her eyes out. The Superdaddyman wasn't about to put up with this and went charging across the room only to get there a few seconds to late. It appears that Jolly Ol' Saint Nick could throw a mean roundhouse himself, and to make a long story short the shrink had 911 on the phone and TAFAKK in a paddy wagon faster than you could say “crybaby.” This meant that when Superdaddyman had come home from the police station, where bail was denied, he was not in a very happy mood. For that matter I wasn't in a happy mood either, since I couldn't see why anyone would create a situation like that stupid head shrinker did, but I was assured that he was fired that night, broken nose and all. This still couldn't end well as The Superdaddyman was ripping through internet sites looking for a way to get a legal degree overnight and represent TAFAKK in court the next day. I couldn't let this happen to either of them.

I spent the night running through Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and every other viral medium that I had at my disposal. I had created such a commotion in the chat rooms and message boards, that I think most of the organized free world was ready to defend Santa Claus against the secular legal system and while I was at it I made sure Dr. Egghead would never get a job again!Sure I wasn't all that keen on TAFAKK and his quest to be known as Santa Claus but at the same time I had made my belief known that he was a “good crazy” as apposed the the Kim Jong Il style crazy the shrink wanted everyone to think he was. One of my legal eagle friends had come up with a plot that was pure genius and all I had to do was get The Superdaddyman to leave me in charge of the witness list. As always I was in luck as he was still racking his brain trying to figure out the whole issue of how to recover the password he had just created a half hour ago to Duey Sooem and Howe's website.

It was a long weekend unfortunately and by the end of it TAFAKK was completely defeated. When I saw him in the courtroom he had the look of “Bubba's Bitch” all over his face, and was completely dejected. I ran over to give him a hug and there was no cheer in his face. My heart was breaking at the very sight of him, and what could I do to get him out of this state, and back to making Christmas a reality for all of the children that he had helped over the last month. He didn't say anything, and the shrink and the District Attorney were making a show trial out of a simple arraignment. The judge didn't look amused by the whole show dedicated to whether or not there actually was a Santa Claus or not. Myself, I could see his point. Who in their right mind would want to face the electorate after just ruling on whether or not there was a Santa Claus? I was starting to think that should I pull this off, I could save two souls today.

TAFAKK refused his invitation by the prosecution to take the stand and defend himself. This made the shrink feel rather smug, but it reflected heavy in the face of TAFAKK who just sat there looking completely dejected. I really couldn't blame him. The full weight of the city of Megalopolis was being thrown down on top of his head to determine if he was a crazy old fraud or not, and as he had muttered to me earlier, without those that believe in him, he lost the war. It was hard to not feel his pain, and in a way I really did wish that he was Santa Claus. Wouldn't you?

The prosecution rested feeling pretty good about themselves. In reality it was just the one witness, on behalf of the the prosecution and another that was there rather unwillingly. The shrink under no doubt, exclaimed how there is no Santa Claus, and that that meant TAFAKK was definitely not Santa Claus. The other was the manager of Macy's who sweated his way through a pile of badly framed questions, and then the Superdaddyman in his one fit of brilliance asked him the one question they had avoided, “Do you believe in Santa Claus?”

The entire courtroom had gotten quiet, as the manager of Macy's himself sat there fumbling through what obviously was a horrible situation for him. On the one hand, he could lie in court, and ruin his chance at freedom thanks to the whole perjury thing or he could tell the truth {or at least what I perceived as the truth} and have the entire shopping world consider him to have no faith in the man he had been using to create the greatest sales in the history of the store. I don't think anyone faced with such great peril could have gotten such a broad smile on his face when he stood up and proclaimed, “Of course I believe in Santa Claus! He's sitting right there!” and with great bravado he pointed at TAFAKK who looked up at him with a tear in his eye, and some of the color coming back into his face. The Superdaddyman had somehow lucked into breaking apart at least half of the prosecutions case. It was up to me to sink it all together.

The judge called The Superdaddyman up to the bench to present his witness list, and he resigned the obligation to me. I stood up and started dragging the several Staples Boxes that we had brought in with us. I handed a note to TAFAKK as I walked by that I had scribbled in the last few minutes as I saw the light almost come back into his face. I don't know if I really meant what I had wrote in it or not, but it seemed like the right thing to do. The judge looked down to see the 250 pounds of paper that I was, with great effort, trying to drag up to the bench with me, and then spoke up, “Young lady, how many witnesses do you plan on calling?” and after I had affirmed that it would be roughly 19 million, he then spoke out, “You do realize that every one of them has to be present since this is just an arraignment?”

I stopped screwing up my back and stretched up a bit to reply. “Your honor, they are all here,” and with that I pointed out the window. The judge who hadn't once looked out the window, turned really quickly to see that the “rent a mob” plan that I had executed the night before worked like a charm. He was staring out at every square foot of Megalopolis being filled elbow to elbow with at the very LEAST 19 million people holding up signs, ranging from “Free Santa” to “Leave My Santa Alone” and he turned back to me with a look of horror on his face. “Every last one of them is looking forward to taking the stand, and defending Kris Kringle as being THE Santa Claus and not just that there is a Santa Claus.”

TAFAKK looked up again with a little more light in his eyes, and then slowly opened the note I had handed to him which had inscribed on it, “I believe in you” and he stood up shouting “I have presents to deliver tonight!”

The judge took another look out the window and then back at Kris Kringle sitting before him. He waved his head back and forth a bit and then said, “Yes you do my friend,” and slammed the gavel down on the desk before stating “Case Dismissed” which echoed all the way to the crowd outside who let out a gigantic cheer that told the world Megalopolis that Christmas Eve was the largest city on Planet Earth! I quickly gave Kris a hug and started walking him outside to meet his adoring fans.

The news crews were everywhere and holding microphones up in his face as the millions upon millions that flooded the streets chanted “Santa Rocks! Santa Rocks!” which only died down when he held up his arms to silence everyone on the streets. He spoke into the PA system that was set up so all the news crews could get him at once, “I love you all, but tomorrow is Christmas! We all have a lot of work to do or children around the world will wake up to just another day! Christmas is NEVER just another day!” and the crowd went wild, but at the same time everyone in a very orderly fashion started filing out of the streets to enact upon the Santa Doctrine as it had been laid out by the big guy himself.

Kris had departed soon after that. He, of course had a ton of work to do if you really believed that he was old father Christmas, which I was still quite skeptical about. As I was sitting in the living room with all the evils's finishing off their gifts and proceeding to break all of them I noted that my mother had not called yet. Sure she was useless but the one thing I could count on was her waiting around before calling us so that she could act put upon because we didn't call her first. You can't explain to some people the difference between parents and kids, but I figured it out a long time ago. It's the other two that I get really upset for. Later that day when the phone rang and it was our mother, full of lies, full of excuses, and unapologetic about it all, I knew then that what I had asked of Kris Kringle was impossible, and perhaps a bit unfair. I knew that all along anyway. Still I like to think I learned a little something about human nature and decency, and I should appreciate that anyway.

This was when Superdaddyman handed me a note. He explained to me that Kris Kringle wanted him to give it to me after my mother called. I was at least happy that Kris didn't completely forget me, but it wasn't all that joyful. Of course like any card I opened it and shook it hoping money would fall out. RATS, no money, but there was a note which read, “Lazius Boycrazius, I didn't want to tell you the dirty little secret of being Santa Claus. I think you helped me prove it even if you didn't realize it. I can't change any 'person' unless they actually want to change,” I looked away from the note for a minute because I could feel the tears starting to well up. I didn't really want to hear that, because he had given me hope in the end. I continued on, “That doesn't mean I can't change the people that really want to. With that I must ask you to go and open the front door.”

I looked at the note again, and couldn't grasp why he wanted me to go to the front door, but Captain ADHD who was reading the note over my shoulder told me that I should go open the front door. Just to shut him up more than anything I walked over to the front door thinking to myself that this was stupid, and ripped the door open dramatically to make a statement, and found myself staring at the flat stomach of my boyfriend Prazius Boycrazius {enough with the short jokes already!} as I looked up to see his bewildered face because he was just about to knock on the door and missed he smiled and exclaimed, “Don't make me tell you about the sleigh that got me here because you'd never believe me!” ;8o)