Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2009 #3


It was an unusually long ride home. Between the screaming mini evils's and the new “guest” that the bleeding hearted Superdaddyman had agreed to let stay with us until Christmas eve, the Superdaddymobile was crammed. So now apparently the artist known as Kris Kringle {TAKAKK} is homeless. Who would have seen that coming, but oh noooo. We get to bring him home with us. I can't even fathom what he was thinking on this one, and that is saying something after 13 years of analyzing the Superdaddybrain! Perhaps he is hoping that Mr ThinksHe'sSantaClaus is THAT type of whacko and will finish us all off? I don't know and I don't care I at the very least had installed that Brinks system thanks to a raging case of creepy little brother and creepier little sister. I may just never come out of my cell!

Now of course perhaps he is bringing the Jolly Old Elf home to show the world that he could potentially have someone older than Greektradgedius Inyiddish in the house, or worse yet he is executing a hook up! I may never be able to get that image out of my head and I blame the Daddyman full on! The boy genius is still raving on about how he gets to share his room with Santa Claus. I couldn't even heal my hands with all the smacking around he truly needs. TAKAKK is doing the whole making his list and checking it twice thing. You'd think a guy dressed in red with an army of 3 foot tall slaves could get his own place for the next month, but then again I could always be out of that loop.

As I suspected Greektradgedius Inyiddish and TAKAKK got along famously. The fact that they remember the whole “Jesus on the Cross” thing might make Christmas a little more of a reminiscent holiday for them who knows? I held back from asking them the “Did George Washington actually get a spanking for chopping down the cherry tree?” question that had entered my mind and decided to retire to my cell. This is my happy place, since I can execute top secret communications {and then post them to Myspace and Facebook} and try to get a grasp on what is really going on with that TAKAKK guy.

The very next day was all it took for my little world to be wrecked up again, as I got a phone call from the Superdaddyman. He was prattling on about needing me to go out to Macy's and deal with issues for him because he was busy. I'm all for getting out of school and that, but what does going to Macy's have to do with anything and why is it his, or my problem? Ok never mind I forgot who I was talking too, and simply gathered up my gear to head into Macy's and check on a problem that probably involved a big crazy man that thinks he's Santa Claus. Never mind that I have no license, or that I am still a minor. Just run over to Macy's and deal with a whack job other than my jailor, does that sound sensible? Yeah I didn't think so either, but again it gets me out of school.

Macy's was a zoo! The line going around the corner was all on it's way to TAKAKK and he wasn't sitting on his throne up front. I thought I was going to have to bust ugly all over some of these single moms who were trying to accuse me of cutting in line. “Do I look like I desperately have to see Santa lady? Did you notice I forgot my kids? As a matter of fact I forgot to have them all together!” I refrained from telling her that if I were her I would have lived by my example, but I didn't have time to beat her behind and get to the bottom of this, and then get back to school for the cute teachers later in the day. My sacrifices are never taken into account now are they?

There was TAKAKK arguing with the store manager, and a few employees. All of them were telling him the way they saw things, and he was ignoring them and stating his own views. He seems to be every bit as stubborn as the Superdaddyman, which solves one of those questions I had had. The manager was just ranting at him, “You can't tell the customers to shop at other stores!” and then he reloaded, “It's your job to steer customers to OUR items for sale, what is wrong with you!” and I must admit that the conversation seemed rather sensible even if I was walking into it rather late.

“No you see that is where you are wrong sir!” came a booming voice from what was just yesterday a very kindly man with whiskers, “Christmas is about the children! If a child wants a toy that you don't have I will tell the parents where to get it, and if your price is the difference between getting a toy or getting two toys I will send them elsewhere!” and here I could only think that it was a great thing that the kids were so loud that they couldn't hear this. He went on of course, “My duty is first and foremost to the children and to try and support the parents that have scrimped all year just to be able to afford the gifts for them, and if you don't like it ...”

The answer to the “don't like it” question was left hanging as a woman walked over and tapped the manager on the shoulder. “Are you the manager here?” she said in a rather waning voice. Before the manager could even confirm she continued, “You see my husband was laid off for the holidays, and we were going to spend our last savings to get Johnny the Robbie Robot that he wanted,” the look on the managers face was disdained but the woman continued, “Well thanks to your Santa Claus we was able to get that robot over at Kay-Bee for half the price, and then came back here to get him some new clothes to go with it. I don't know what games you guys are pulling here but I like it,” her face broke into a big grin, “If Macy's cares about me then I care about Macy's. I'll be going home and calling all my friends and telling them that they owe it to themselves to come in here.”

The manager was flustered, but jabbled out a “Thank You” in great detail as the woman walked away. He glanced over at TAKAKK and said, “Well you have children to see, keep up the good work!” he then stopped him on his way and said “You wouldn't happen to have those price lists would you, I think every employee here should know these prices and adjust if we can or send the customers along to make room for the other customers.”

TAKAKK looked towards me as he said, “Sorry sir, they are all up here,” and with that he pointed at his head, “It's a gift that I have but I will work on a list tonight if you wish,” and after the manager agreed to it he was sent along to deal with the screaming children. He gave me one of those creepy old man winks as he walked by, and I was still perplexed as to why I was even here to witness this. Again I have learned not to question these things because Lord knows the narrator in all those stupid Superdaddyman stories never comes to me for editing advice.

Later that night after dinner I was taking the dishes from the dinner table and TAKAKK was still sitting there writing down his list of prices. Twelve years of public school had never put as much information in my head as was coming out of TAKAKK's and being put on paper. He had just about every toy ever made, and I pointed out to him that no child was going to be looking for an Atari 2600. He smiled and said, “Oh you never know, and look at that price anyway,” as I was thinking that there was a reason it was so cheap. Before I could even ask the question he went on, “It's my job to know where everything is and how to get it for the best price. The elves went union, and it's very hard to get them to produce like they used to so I need some help now and then.”

Oh the whacky old man. His own belief in the fantasy, was so overpowering that he could almost get me to go along with it. Thankfully I learned my way around a fantasy or two dealing with the guy downstairs downloading tons of it {even though he thinks we don't know} and of course the woman to whom my whole “gift” was based on. Her life crossed over into fantasy so long ago that I simply labeled it all “lies” and got on with my life. As nice of an old man, whiskers or not, I wouldn't give him Monaco odds on being able to install a clue in my mother. We are after all talking about a woman who lost her kids and still denies it. I tried to walk him back into the world of reality a bit since I am the patron evils's of lost causes, “You know if they really wanted to they could have their own people get these prices and you don't have to spend all of your free time writing them all down?”

He smiled at me the same way I have seen a lot of teachers do. That “silly little girl” smile has been the staple of my existence, but on him it wasn't so infuriating. “They couldn't even get their hands on most of these prices. A lot of them are forgotten about on the back shelves of places like Big Lots, and Odd Job Lots. See these here won't even be in BJ's until next week, but come Thursday at 9am they will be opening them on the floor and if I get parents there ..” he stopped short at my surprised look and then added, “It gets harder to disbelieve with time. It's the opposite of how hard it became too believe. I blame myself for not being there enough for you, but I'm here now.”

Holy creepy whackjobs Superdaddyman! I threw down my veil of skepticism quick enough to defend from this assault on my sensibilities. This is a nice old man with whiskers. Nothing more, and I have to deal with that, and he has to do whatever it is borderline insane old men do this time of the year. I don't have to play the game if I don't touch the dice. My racing mind was spared by the footsteps of someone coming up behind us. I barely had time to get my face into my hands when the voice of the Superdaddyman said, “Oh My God! An Atari 2600, and look at that price!” … To Be Continued