Monday, December 21, 2009

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2009 #5

Press Release December the 21, 2009 from the law-firm of Dewey Suem & Howe UnPC.

In reference to allegations founded and purposeful blocked in the case of The People v Kris Kringle or as it is codenamed “The Assault on Christianity: How Santa Clause Stole the Messiah” or “The Crucifixion Conspiracy”

We have been at a bit of stand still over the last couple of years as the elusive Kris Kringle {aka Santa Claus, aka Saint Nick, aka Father Christmas and lord knows how many other aliases} has managed to evade capture so that we can “question” him as to his whereabouts the night Jesus Christ had died. We've continued building our case {People v Kris Kringle} in hopes of clearing all Jews and Romans of unfair accusations in the arena of liability for the real death of the Christ. Despite the huge spin machine mounted by people such as “Mel Gibson”, and divisive hate documents such as “The Bible” we at the law-firm of Dewey Suem & Howe continue to rally the troops to understand the serious nature of the allegations we have brought to bear on Kris Kringle and Horatio Christ.

Now of course Horatio Christ has fallen completely off the radar over the years, and leads us to believe that he is probably deceased {wait until his dad get's a hold of HIM} there still appears to be many sightings of Santa Claus being reported all across the nation and often in other countries as well. Our plot to ravage the earth with massive quantities of carbon dioxide has yet to flush him out of the north pole, but in his brazen lack of conscience he still seems to flout himself around and always on and around Jesus's birthday! To think that he would be such a negative power of example to good dietary habits and so disrespectful that he would only be seen on the very season of the man he murdered, but to bribe all the children with toys to boot. Red suit! Redistribution of wealth! It can only mean communism!

As the case against “The Claus” mounts we find a much more disturbing trend following along. Most of the hard core communists throughout history were privy to the murder of many millions of Christians in an attempt to control the minds of the common man. Here we have conclusive evidence that this Jolly old fat man, runs around blatantly displaying his Marxist on Crack agenda and started it out by killing the very SYMBOL of Christianity! I mean people come on here! A simple jealous rage because of the amount of songs that you and the other symbol of Christmas have dedicated to you has now blown so out of proportion that it is promoting the very enslavement of entire nations of people. We here are not about to sit back and allow this to happen. You can of course thank us later when we have successfully saved the world!

This is where it gets a little sketchy unfortunately, as we have been working so hard to track the fugitive down. Apparently he has been using something called “The Harry Potter” defense to keep us from apprehending him once and for all. We had noticed a disturbing trend when we went to a local Mall sighting of this diabolical, yet elusive criminal. Upon apprehending Kris Kringle {sitting in a throne and acting all holier than thou to boot} and being assaulted by many of the poor children he was in the process of indoctrinating we got the first sign of this diabolical scheme. The apprehended “victim” {or so he says} was spouting the usual murderous venom we usually get when we track down fugitives, and his fake beard fell off. The plot thickened quite dramatically from there. Upon apprehension of many Kris Kringle look-a-likes over the last weeks we discovered that there were much more of them. A simple “beard test” worked on most of them but was thwarted by many that were so entrenched in the “lie” that they had gone as far as to grow real beards. Of course we gave extra tugs and in many cases “swung them around” by their beards, and to no avail, they must be true believers.

Apparently many of the “followers” of “The Claus” aren't really elves either! This new revelation was equally as disturbing as the strip searches of said “elves” unfortunately yielded a bevy of sexual harassment suits due to the fact that many of these elves were female. We are hoping that many of these issues can be settled out of court but who knows? The monkey wrench that such legal actions throws into our efforts to apprehend Kris Kringle and bring him to justice could potentially make it impossible to reach the perpetrator before his usual disappearance just after Christmas. Of course these types of legalities always thwart a thorough investigation so we shall simply carry on as if this conspiracy never existed.

Never fear any of you out there who are as concerned as we are that justice is served in these regards. We received both of the letters of encouragement that were sent to us, and your support means the world to us, as we deal with the thousands of hate letters that we receive from obvious Santa sympathizers. We will not allow this travesty to the very reason for this holiday {well aside from all the other ones} to be disgraced by the willful take over of the very unmentionable that stole the figurehead of the Christmas movement!

Yours always in fighting the good fight ..
The law-firm of Dewey Suem & Howe UnPC

{not legally supported in a few states and outlying territories including but not limited to Alabama, Alaska, American Samoa, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Guam, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Northern Marianas Islands, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Puerto Rico, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Virgin Islands, Washington, West Virginia ,Wisconsin, Wyoming} ;8o)