Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2009 #6


All appears to be well in the streets of Megalopolis all alight with the many trappings of Christmas, but this too shall and always will pass. There is always the potential for great evil throughout the streets and for that we are always at great peril! Never fear oh followers of Ho Ho Ho and all the other great things that the street of Megalopolis affords you, there is always the one, the Caped Pervader, the man with absolutely NO plan, the guardian of all from The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils's {TOKE} why YES, I am talking about The Superdaddyman! In this episode he is patrolling the hallowed halls of the great American Institution known as Wal-Mart in an attempt to procure the offerings necessary to keep TOKE and their hoards of evil minions at bay! The fact that frantic little business skirted maidens are also roaming the hallowed halls in a frenzy to procure their own offerings is irrelevant, but an excellent diversion from time to time.

Of course there is nothing more harrowing than attempting to fight off several dozen evil snow birds in an attempt to lay hands on that last Nintendo Wii {aside from not having the lovely business skirted maidens to .. um .. examine} but as all of you know The Superdaddyman is relentless in his pursuits! Again that brings us to the business skirts, but that is a tale for a different blog, we are talking about the life or death struggle between good and evil here! Not to mention that QVC can always be watched later should the Superdaddyman truly need to get his “perv” on. Keeping this in mind, our stunning {hey, be nice} young {write your own blog damnit!} super villain turned super hero finds himself nearly swarmed under by a swarm of frenzied young maidens {not cuz he's the ever lovable daddyman but because he is blocking the display to the Zhu Zhu Pets} but recovers quite fashionably with hardly any slaps while attempting to .. um .. balance himself .. yeah that works!

That last ditched effort to get to the Nintendo Wii {all in the name of saving the world donchaknow} the Superdaddyman again was thwarted by a new evil that has unveiled itself in Megalopolis! Many fall to the awe inspiring might of the Superdaddyman, but there is always someone to come along and raise that mantle now isn't there? This one secretly code named “Bitchy Old Lady} {BOL} hobbled off with the last $189 Nintendo Wii leaving the Superdaddyman to stare aimlessly at the pile of untouched $299 X-Box 360s. Leave it to the evil Billgatus of Borg {BOB .. Not to be confused with the “other” superhero to many of the fair maidens} to charge more money for something that sucks! Of course if it were an Apple product it would be $799 and old within a year, so we digress and get back to the point. It is now a matter of life or death that the Superdaddyman start on his newest Quest! Thus the saga begins with “Operation Get the Nintendo Wii or else the Rotten Little Bastards Will Start with the Whole Our Mom Who Never Does Shit for Us Loves Us More Talk Until Next Christmas” {OGN .. um .. W .. E .. Damnit! .. THEPLAN!}

Now this isn't something that The Superdaddyman takes lightly! There are many factions in the world of “Get The Daddyman!” {GTD} who are always there to make sure that evil people {Like the Penguins Yanno?} get there small albeit few victories over our beloved Hero! Many a consideration must go into OGD .. um ..THEPLAN not the least of which is the global conspiracy between Fed-Ex and UPS to make sure that all top secret material {porn movies, cigars, Victoria's Secret catalogs .. um .. Nevermind} gets to the Superdaddycave, late, damaged all to crap, and in best case scenerio not at all. Heaven forbid that a simple house address be so misconstrued because the stupid street that the Superdaddyman hides out on goes through 2 cities and shipping GPS don't do Zip Codes or anything. This of course leaves the Superdaddyman forced to check other super secret “retail locations” {many during non smoking hot business skirt hours .. damn!} to try and procure the goods!

Onward to the enemy empire {K-Mart} the Superdaddyman trudges. Unfortunately for all involved K-Mart is far less appealing to a hero of The Superdaddyman's mad skills {no business skirts and no fair maiden's at all, aka, a waste of a good social appearance} and more over they didn't even appear to stock the top secret Evils's indoctrination devices that The Superdaddyman was looking for anyway! The same thing happened at the local Sears location. The Sears location was even more disappointing as it had zero women to gawk at .. um .. observe, and apparently had given up on marketing to the fairer sex altogether. Then again the lack of Superdaddyman's partner in crime at the door {Yanno, the guy with the big red suit waving a bell with a bucket} really did more to depress The Superdaddyman, despite the fact that it saved him a dollar. This was when the little light bulb came on over The Superdaddyman's head {it's a very scary sight actually} and he remembered that there was the ultimate of evil empire's on the other side of town. The Target {pronounced Tar-Zay to reflect the lack of white trash that The Superdaddyman likes to represent in the fight of good v evil esq.} where the Superdaddyman could go and try to negotiate without seeing the inside of everyone's nostrils as they stare at the ceiling.

On a somewhat brighter note, the Tar-Zay was filled with plenty of fair maidens {despite looking up from their legs and seeing the inside of nostrils} and the Superdaddyman figured that he could work with this. Unfortunately all of the time that the Caped Pervader was looking around elsewhere {and the grand tour to check out all the 100k housewives in the Tar-Gay itself} had weakened his position on procuring the top secret alienation device he had come for. The Nintendo Wii display sat bare. Right next to it was the Sony Playstation 3 display chock full of $300 Playstations that everyone tells him are at best an over-rated Blue Ray disc player. On the other side was the nearly full $300 X-Box 360 system display. Operation Get the Daddyman {OGD] appears to be working wonderfully!

Disheveled and nearly beaten beaten our favorite super villain turned super hero decided that the best thing to do was go next door to the Shaws Supermarket and hopefully find solace in getting football goodies, and perhaps partaking in fleeting glances at more of Megalopolis's fair maidens. There is always that X-Box 360 over at the Wal-Mart that can be an ace in the hole for a last minute effort to thwart evils's! Shaws is a wonderful ally {enabler} to many of the Superdaddyman's favorite deadly sins {gluttony in particular} so he was at least pleasantly surprised to find not only the pepperoni, and triscuits on sale but the extra sharp cheddar as well! They do after all have spies all over Megalopolis to trace the mood of the only defender against the war of TOKE! That was when he saw the display in the middle of the isle that nobody was paying attention to. Sitting right there for no other reason than the fact that they had them was a pile of micro laptops in a rainbow of colors!

Being almost as much dork as he is perv, the Superdaddyman swooped in on these laptops that were advertised as $249 each or $99 dollars with the “Cheap but we spam the shit out of you card” and the Superdaddyman being a huge fan of “cheap” and sometimes “spam” {especially if it is for those leg porn sites} decided to go fill out an application for the “Savings Card” and see what the fair maiden at the courtesy desk looks like. One out of two wasn't bad, but as he was leaving the local Shaw's with everything needed for a tummy ache and three separate color coordinated Christmas gifts. The Superdaddyman thinks to himself .. What a Wonderful World ;8o)