Friday, November 27, 2009

Things You Learn From the Ex-Wife's Ex Girlfriend - Volume 3

Well, I finally got the person that fixed me up on that blind date on the phone, and after exchanging the niceties {WHAT THE $#%*ing #^*$ing #%!^ WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU FIXED ME UP WITH HER!} the story unfolded a bit differently than I thought it would, and I am still processing the data as I write this. I did promise it would make a good blog, and I did promise to write it all down, and I am doing it now. This will go in a certain chronological order based on what I understand, and what I witnessed.

Originally this started yesterday when I ran into a friend and she called me an hour later saying that “one of the women I work with wants me to fix the two of you up,” which I can conclude at this point is true. Being a typical man, with less and less chances to date in general much less have my ego stroked by a woman that saw me out a window and started “hottie talking” me to a friend, I was receptive to the idea. She assured me that she was a very attractive woman, which again I conclude to be true. On that note she is about five foot six with long strawberry blonde hair and perhaps easily the most beautiful woman I have ever been seen in public with. Of course she doesn't fit the type of woman I am usually attracted to, but that didn't mean she wasn't beautiful. You will notice that as a typical man I didn't ask what she was like, didn't ask about her personality, didn't ask about common interests etc. Once the question of whether she howled at the moon was over and the answer didn't involve her personality as opposed to her actual looks, I was blissfully uncaring about anything from that point. Did I mention that I am an idiot?

Now of course the woman that fixed us up has almost identical taste in women as I have {don't ask, long story, scroll back, read other blog entries} and is usually a very honest person who is almost identical to me in every way, I missed a flaw in this whole thing. She's exactly like me and will “omit” things to prove a point, or try to gain some level of superiority over others. She's reading this right now laughing her ass off for instance, and probably calling other people we know to talk about how I was PWND! Now with the sin of omission on her side, I was still dubious about this date because, well let's be real here, I have enough personal faults to fill a skyscraper in New York City. I was more concerned with my own fields of omission to try and get a second date before she realized how creepy and sad I truly am, before I had ever met her based on the premise that she didn't howl at the moon, and a lesbian I know thinks she's hot! Did I mention that I am an idiot?

Now of course I have no competent understanding about how fishy it possibly is when a woman that just pestered someone you know for a fix up, just happens to be available that very night right after she gets out of work. My brain didn't translate this into the normal “she probably has issues that makes her desperate to date just about ANYBODY on a moment's notice” but instead was translating it to common Jeremy perv with the voice of either Beavis or Butthead as “COOL! She might be wearing a sleek business skirt!” {which she actually was} and I continued to spin my own web of idiocy. I guess the common definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, but again, the common American Male when left to be led by their brain {the littler one of course .. hmm .. that might be up for debate} doesn't ask the right questions when they are in “OH GOODY” mode. I later came home to a slew of “pointers” on my Twitter as to how I should have conducted myself on the date, and I am happy to say I didn't theoretically violate any of those things. I did mention that I am probably an idiot right?

I showed up where she worked and didn't bother to acknowledge the sniggering coming from the evil “friend” that had fixed us up. I think it was partially because I assumed that she was thinking this poor thing was going to be in for a horrible night herself. Perhaps she thought that up closer her friend would be disenchanted with me. Perhaps I am a moron that couldn't read tea leaves if they were arranged in a pattern that said “You are dumb” but I was more concentrated on keeping the drool in as this short skirted beauty came out to greet me as my date. The lack of screaming, or running in another direction, or even focusing in on my slowly graying beard. No wrinkled nose at the smell of a smoker, no wondering why I didn't dress better, and above all else an actual smile on her face. Of course the sheer bliss of this moment lasted about 4 minutes, and again I was too stupid to see the set up in the making. The idiot shall explain further.

In a world of things that are too good to be true, my “friend” {for now anyway} turned up the volume on The Sean Hannity Show {Sean Vanity for those of us that find other things to listen to between Rush and Levin} and Curtis Sliwa was in the middle of talking about the two words that would ruin the entire evening, Sarah Palin. This once beautiful flower that was going to rescue me from my life of loneliness and and dating women that refuse to wear skirts, erupted into the scariest thing known to mankind. A complete and utter irrational feminist. We couldn't even make it out the door before she had emoted everything she hated about Sarah Palin, from her “fat legs” to her “hypocritical daughter” and just about every other important issue that the modern day feminist finds so important. On the way to the minivan {which she hated} I learned about other hugely important things like “how she adopted all her children because she'd never have that figure otherwise” with careless disregard to the “fat legs” comment earlier, and when she was done ripping Sarah Palin apart, she then started on other rotten women she hates. I would like to note that my idiocy isn't as prevalent here because I haven't said a word since “nice to meet you.”

I took her to my favorite Italian restaurant {which she has always hated, but was willing to endure because I obviously don't have much money} and she was just about finished ripping apart that Condi Rice who “has a huge gap between her teeth” and other important feminist issues. We then sat down where she started telling me about strong women like Hillary Clinton who she learned so much about, and added in about how if I ordered veal she would get bitchy. Terrified that this woman could actually get “bitchy” I avoided the veal, or even the idea of telling her that I agree about baby cow treatment. To be honest with you I am thinking about changing my opinion on baby cow treatment because I don't this woman could possibly be right about anything. I foolishly decided to try and change the subject, and in my desperation had forgotten to stay in my “duck and cover” approach that had gotten me this far. Now keeping in mind that I still haven't said ANYTHING in about 15 minutes, by telling her she looked nice I had really stepped in it! Jeremy is now full ass idiot and not his usual half ass idiot!

She finally said something nice to me about the time the food came out, which was that I was the first guy she's ever dated that kept good eye contact, and didn't wander. Earth to bimbo, this is a first date! I was assuming that I was simply maintaining my new range of “utterly disinterested” and had resorted to staring at the hypnotic effect of her flapping {but at least beautiful} lips . I took a few minutes to ponder several things while she started the rants about how she doesn't like kids. This is nothing new for me I always date women that either hate kids or expect me to integrate them into my family by the third date. Of course I was beginning to wolf down my food in an attempt to implement Operation Get The ^&$% Outta Here ASAP. I was assuming that this woman probably doesn't get the vacant stare that I give her because most guys are thinking about getting up her skirt as she rants and would agree with anything she says. I on the other hand have had enough of this woman and EVEN I forgot that she was even wearing a skirt, while I contemplated raking leaves the next day. The idiot parade continues below.

At this point my only outlet of feigned interest had completely abandoned me, and worse than that she had only just started to eat. I was thinking that I could watch her lips move while she ate, nod once in a while, and contemplate some funny Twitter comments I could throw out there when I got home. Instead I was treated to the ULTIMATE pet peeve as she chewed with her mouth wide open and talked while food went flying EVERYWHERE! I was reduced to pretending to be interested with the pattern on the ceiling and talking to God about her sense of humor, while plotting the demise of “friends” that attempt to do me favors. She relented long enough to say the thing that I didn't want to hear, “So tell me about yourself?” and I'd be completely lying if I didn't say that the hamster on the wheel in my head dropped totally dead out of fear. You just know there is going to be a rolling commentary on everything you say, so I figured I would just throw it all out there and hopefully she would shut up until I could get her home! Ok you all can start talking about what an idiot Jeremy is in a moment.

I told her about my kids, and watched the sick looks on her face. I seriously thought I was ruining her appetite as I told her all about my kids. She stopped me long enough to ask me, why I would want to have full custody of them. I refrained from saying it was because my ex-wife {while potentially smarter than her} was incapable of taking care of them, and foolishly told her that I had to get custody of them after they were taken away from my ex-wife for neglect. Then she started on her whole belief that I must have done some dirty trickery like ALL men do to get the kids away from their mother, and on and on and on. I really had no idea what she was actually saying at this point because I was now sitting in one of those Peanuts classrooms with “Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah” coming down on me, and not so much wishing I was dead, as I had earlier, because at least now I had my revenge to keep me occupied. I mean seriously she could have at least been like one of those horrible drama queens that steps away from the table and says that she is walking home so that I could say “Ok!” and then run to my {pathetic} minivan and scream away from there cackling like a mad goose! Idiot Idiot Idiot!

Fortunately by the time I had gotten her home, she was now simply pointing out MY flaws, instead of everyone elses and at least I happen to be an expert on those. You'd all be surprised that I still maintained a false smile on my face, and simply amused myself over the cataclysmic rant I would use if she insinuated that there would be a second date. Despite all of her faults she didn't have that one, and I was able to get out of there in record time. I drove the long way home with the window wide open in an attempt to wake up from the nightmare that had been the last two or so hours of my life. I refrained from smoking cigarettes two at a time, but I did think about it. When I finally got home I sat quietly and watched a couple of episodes of Bones, while I continued to wait for Bill Gates and the rest of the Microsoft team to complete the “end of date” sex to me that is the new Windows 7 {I'll probably rant about that tomorrow .. beware!} which wasn't the worst way I spent the first night without kids in almost a year, but then again I don't have very many to compare it to either. I of course waited until 3am to start calling my “friend” to see what she was thinking, but as usual she was a step ahead of me and her phone was set “strait to voicemail.” The next time I go on a blind date {and there will be a next time .. idiot remember?} I might just make my friend leave me a deposit, but then again maybe I'll remember to get a few more details as well. Ok maybe I won't because by this time next month, I'll be back to my usual set of criteria, walking upright, breathing etc etc ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of J~ Crow}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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