Sunday, November 29, 2009

Superdaddyman Takes on The Mother of all the Evils's - Volume 3

The red phone on the desk in the secret lair that houses everyone's favorite super hero turned super villain. The Caped Pervader shot strait up in fear, as that Red phone hadn't rang since the inauguration of the new POTUS. Needless to say the Superdaddyman had not had too many wonderful adventures based on the last person to be on the other end of that phone, but he had been adding the new person on the end of that phone to his list of “known evil” and was starting to get acid reflux thinking of what this could be about. Other more disturbing thoughts came to the mind of our gallant young {ZIP IT YOU!} superhero, in the thoughts of what might happen if Air Force One was sent out to pick him up! In the old days it would have been a charming Condi Rice with a rather adorable bottom for the Daddyman to get his perv on. The ultimate terror that it is a new woman in the Secretary of State position with absolutely nothing cute on her that could ultimately be sent up north sent shivers down the spine of the only man to be able to successfully control the Evils's! The Superdaddyman decided to use his precision ambassadorial skills to deal with this as he answered the phone, “What Chew Want?”

There was a strange humming sound coming from the other end of the phone as if a teleprompter had gone on and after an awkward throat clearing a rather sardonic voice came through, “Hello, this is The Obama,” well that would be obvious numbnuts, “I need to speak to someone named The Superdaddyman?” the humming of the teleprompter was rather strange albeit hypnotic, “We appear to have a problem that is of the utmost importance, and my predecessor, despite leaving me 8 years worth of mess to clean up, had left me an envelope that appropriately said 'In case of emergency use the red phone and call the Superdaddyman' and I want you to understand the dire need for me to take his advice,” and then there was another low buzz as the Superdaddyears picked up a refresh going on.

Using this opportunity to speak before the POTUS decided to continue the monologue, “I'm not getting into a plane with Hillary, do you understand?” and that sent the POTUS into a bit of a frazzled improv.

“Well .. Ah .. You see .. Ah .. Well I could send Anita Dunn .. Ah,” and the Superdaddyman started thinking that it's about time he learns to keep his mouth shut, “You see .. Ah,” the hum of the teleprompter signaled that coherence was on the way someday, “Well as I was .. Ah .. Saying,” God will the last Kennedy brother just cut it out with the Wizard of Ah's impression, “Well you see we have a situation on this end that needs to be taken care of ASAP. It appears to be your field of expertise since it involves The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils's,” the Superdaddyman didn't want to ruin his flow by telling him that they are known as TOKE and allowed him to continue, “It has been brought to our attention that someone named Lazius Boycrazius didn't go to work this morning, and as the POTUS, I have a hard time operating without my Big Mac, and Chicken McNuggets. My wife has given me certain concessions to eat what I want on Saturdays, and this could make it so that I have to take another week to decide on troop deployment to Afghanistan,” oh God heaven forbid, “Aside from that it also states in article 548 section 1926 of the new AG Holder version of the Patriot Act that all Terrorists are to show up at their assigned jobs or else we'll have to threaten them with ankle bracelets and early bedtimes!”

Let me translate the rest of this for you “Wah Wah Wah Wah Waaaaah” but the basic jist of all this was that Lazius Boycrazius didn't make it to work that morning as she was scheduled. This of course had been agreed upon in her parole trial which had allowed her to cross the state border into The People's Republic of Maine. Originally the plot had thickened into the Superdaddyman firing up the Superdaddymobile and transporting the Big Evil back on Friday to eliminate this problem and he was assured by the co-conspirator that she would bring her back into McDonald's custody by 7 am on Saturday. Now the fact that she was not transported as planned means that The Superdaddyman is forced to talk to The Obama and be threatened with Anita Dunn snatching flies out of the air on an airplane with him! Lazius Boycrazius and Sister of MAE will have to pay for this!

It took at least an hour and a half to get the idea across to Magnum cum POTUS that the Superdaddyman DOES NOT require an escort on this mission. The abstract fear of ANY person that associates with him actually touching him and potentially getting some of that “Socialist Mop” water on him was too much to take. The conversation would have been a lot quicker if the Wizard of Ah's didn't keep fumbling off teleprompter but in the end the Superdaddyman was off to sneak through enemy lines into The People's Republic of Maine and pray that he doesn't set off any of the capitalism detectors. There is still always the threat of running into one of the 17,000 members of The Mother of All the Evils's {MAE} family members that give TPROM that extra representative to the House too, but the Superdaddyman can usually use the simplest of Jedi mind tricks on them {“Don't I know you?” .. “No you don't!” .. “Oh .. guess I don't?”} and escape. Of course the hardest part is getting around all of that blatant welfare fraud that makes up 92% of the state, and makes women chase you down begging to impregnate them.

It was a very difficult journey. All of Al Gore's global warming was translating into 700 or so MPH winds and the sporty little red version of the Superdaddymobile sure likes to warble around the road. That Superdaddybladder that shrunk 3 sizes too small with every passing decade wasn't playing fair either. The Dunkin Donuts corporation made a fortune off the “pit stops” because the Superdaddyman can't just “use” a bathroom without buying something. He also can't have an Ice CAWFEEEEE without guzzling it down. Gulp, Bladder, Ouch, Pee, Repeat .. Who says the Superdaddyman really needs Evils's to keep him on his toes? Needless to say the two hours of top speed to intercept the evils's before they do anything TOO dangerous was interrupted at least twice {and we'll leave it at that} as well as a gas stop.

The stage was set for a major show down as all three of the Evils's were not only prepared for the Superdaddyman but they were actually bolstered by their 7 evil accomplices. Yeah breeding is something that MAE's family is pretty good at, and 6 of those 7 come from one brood. It appeared that the POTUS had forgotten to call ahead and tell the Evils's that they were to be transported back to the Casa di Evils's so when the Superdaddyman appeared at the Northern command they seemed to be executing Operation Farm Thingymadingy on Facebook {OFTF} and were slow to be dragged away from it. Heaven forbid they simply respect the Superhero that was forced to give up HIS plans to drive through Communist territory to pick their evil asses up on a Saturday night! Hey! He could have had some really important plans! Ok, he could have had some Twitter things to do anyway. You fight crime YOUR way and leave the real crime fighting to the professionals damnit!

Operation Don't Forget Anything {ODFA} as usual was a complete and utter failure. It always is so we will simply address this with the usual SuperdaddyYAAAAWWWWNNN, as Lazius Boycrazius and Captain ADHD first started arguing {LOUDLY!} over who had forgotten the more important items. In the case of Captain ADHD, he happened to be furious about forgetting his wristwatch three times removed. It was left at a friend of his grandparents house, several days earlier and the chances of recovering said item were long since passed, but it made for great drama at the time. The loud exchange of ideals carried on as Captain ADHD and Lazius Boycrazius then decided to carry on an earlier “meeting of the minds” {again LOUDLY} over “The Mother of all the Evils's” {MAE} which is age old. Lazius Boycrazius being of the “useless liar” camp, and Captain ADHD being of the “sun shines out of her every orifice” camp, and Imtoocutus being of the “jumping to which ever side will intensify the argument” camp, made for some serious headache material.

Now of course the Superdaddyman doesn't even really have to buy tickets to this play, seeing that he could write the script out of old soap opera plots. As usual, MAE shows up a few times while the Evils's are within shouting distance of her lair, to proclaim how the Superdaddyman keeps her from seeing them. She stays around for short, disingenuous bursts to say that she gets “car sick” and can't drive out to see them, and then jumps into her boyfriends truck to drive out to The People's Republic of Massholechewzits {about 4 times as far as The Casa di Evils's} to spend time with her boyfriend's family. Same plot different movie. This had been a standard play in the MAE playbook for a little over 6 years now. Complain, avoid, lie, blame, repeat, and almost always in that order. Lazius Boycrazius had gotten sick of this game along time ago, and uses her own brand of “loud and obnoxious” to explain her viewpoint of MAE at any opportunity. In a sick sort of way she gets the angriest about it all because this type of behavior hurts Captain ADHD a lot, and though she wouldn't admit it, she hates seeing the good Captain miserable because he is caught in the middle of all this. Captain ADHD on the other hand still believes the entire story that the only reason MAE has visited him twice {yes - 2 - two - two fingers on one hand} in the last 6 years is completely based on the MAE dogma of “The Superdaddyman keeps her from seeing him”, “She get's car sick”, “The World is out to get her”, and “If everyone hadn't stolen you from me” and whatever else she can think up, because she tells him this on MSN messenger, between trips to Massholechewzits. The Superdaddyman had always felt himself to be above interjecting truth into these stories, and tries at least to let Middle Evil draw his own diagrams. On top of all this MAE threw out her same old tired line of “Well I will talk to Superdaddyman and see if he will bring you out to see me.”

This time unfortunately was a little different as Captain ADHD decided that it was best to come back to the Casa di Evils's and take out his misery on ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE. The two hours of driving back was sheer hell as he emoted his theories which mimicked those of MAE just about to the last letter. Lazius Boycrazius {although technically spot on in her assessment} lacked the ability to speak the language of “11 year old with ADHD” to get her point across that lying to people is NOT COOL, regardless of who you are. The approach to the Casa di Evils's was finally reached with the Superdaddyman hearing a painful version of “Who Let the Dogs out?” blaring in his head. Like a rocket the good Captain was off throughout the lair looking for people to abuse on behalf of his overloaded little brain that desperately wanted to believe we were all in on the plot to get MAE. The Superdaddyman is NOT unsympathetic to this plight as he had been the same way once a year when his own mother brought him out to New York City to show all of her friends that she had parenting skills every summer. The truth of the matter was that when he finally “got it” {and that was in quotes because like most young boys with horrible mothers it hit him one day} it started a chain of events which involved “revenge” against the woman, that didn't help him out any at all.

So here it is, “Lights Out” time at the official Evils's detention center and all three of them are completely wound for sound. The biggest and the middlest of the Evils's are completely at each others throats. The littlest has gone on to new audiences and new topics. Now to be fair Imtoocutus does react harshly in the beginning of any MAE assault but her experience with “the dark side” of MAE began when she was far too young to comprehend that there might be a good side. After all she was {and still is most of the time} credited with the insanity that fills MAE's brain, and thanks also to her gender she can fall out of disenchantment with the BS a lot quicker than even the oldest of the Evils's. Once she was safely at the Casa di Evils's {her domain} all irritation with MAE was lost in her own innate ability to find bigger and eviler things to move on to. In this instance it was absorbed in getting all the attention while the other two continued their war. She was the easiest to get into solitary confinement {bed} and was out for the night rather quickly as a 9 year old criminal mastermind can only handle so much excitement for one road trip. Lazius Boycrazius was next to be silenced as she was able to hit her own cell {bedroom} and broadcast her thoughts on it all to the masses {Myspace Blog} while Captain ADHD continued the fight of “evil versus good” amongst his own audience {the cat} downstairs.

The Superdaddyman was forced to play peacekeeper, if for no other reason than Captain ADHD's cell {bedroom} happens to be right next to the Supperdaddylair, and there was going to be no peaceful Twitter time with him ranting and raving like a lunatic, waving around a copy of Artemis Fowl, and a traumatized cat! Superdaddyman decided it was time to use the deadliest weapons in his arsenal to try to take down Captain ADHD {truth, sincerity and a long boring lecture} in the hopes that at the very least it would make Captain ADHD wish he was asleep. The Superdaddyman began by explaining to Captain ADHD that his mother is allowed to come out and see him any Saturday that she wishes, and she always has. This was confirmed to him by Lazius Boycrazius {loudly and often} over the last several YEARS! He needed to encourage her to come see him instead of allowing her to convince him that he needed to come out and see her. The Superdaddyman reminded him that when he lived with MAE, the Superdaddyman used to drive out to Augusta Maine from Saratoga Springs New York every other weekend religiously to see him. He reminded Captain ADHD that on the best days that was an 8 hour trip each way, and he never missed a weekend. This changed the perspective a bit, since he knows full well that MAE lives about an hour and a half away. The Superdaddyman reminded Captain ADHD that it is a parent's job to do everything they can to see their children, and NOT the other way around, and he explained that Lazius Boycrazius had been dealing with MAE for 6 years longer than he has, and might not completely understand what he was going through, but probably understood MAE a bit better than he did through greater experience. The Superdaddyman also reminded him that they all loved him {shhhh .. don't tell anybody} even if they all had funny ways of showing it.

This is where Captain ADHD got his serious “evil on” as he clutched the Superdaddyman and had a good cry, over how unfair the world is. Yeah it is heartbreaking stuff, and if the Superdaddyman didn't have to go through this every year, he would be a lot happier. Captain ADHD is going to have a “come to Jesus” moment over The Mother of all the Evils's some day, and it isn't going to be pretty. The father of the Superdaddyman was completely incapable of easing this “come to Jesus” moment in him, and it wasn't his fault, he just had a horrible emotional structure as most men of his generation did. He tried to just let it all come to the Superdaddyman in his own time, since the “parenting seminars” back in the 70's weren't exactly the norm and especially for single fathers. Sadly though, even by today's standards the concept of a woman so devoid of maternal instincts, is rather rare, but at least conceivable. It doesn't help when you are trapped with the reality and a concept that is so foreign to the multitudes of people out there in Megalopolis, and worse yet when you are quite capable of running into someone who denies it like an Anti-Semite denies the holocaust. Like one of those idiots, the people who deny bad maternal abilities have big mouths and they are completely devoid of the ability to understand what one goes through. The Superdaddyman at least has the experience, despite the same bad taste in women that his father had ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Jeremy Crow on Twitter {For The Easily Amused} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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