Monday, November 23, 2009

And The Merry Go Round Broke Down - Volume 9

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This is a continuation of "And The Merry Go Round Broke Down - Volume 8" .. you may want to read it first ..

Now the fun begins, as I was in the middle of my second online romance sprung out of my Yahoo Chat days, and entrenched in the usual chat room gossip that follows all of that. I was 35 years old and dealing with the fact that my best years were flying behind me. I spent most of my work days thinking about my weekends with the woman of my dreams I had met in that chat room. This was until I got hurt at work, and my life immediately turned itself upside down. I had rupturd a disk in my spine, and was partially paralyzed for a short time because of the pressure on my spinal cord. This wasn't fun in the least, and my cyber romance dried up because I “wasn't fun anymore” which was quite a kick in the teeth. I was condemned to 6 hour days of light duty, and my salary was frozen. I mostly sat in the chat rooms playing the clown the rest of my days to pretend I was normal. I hated me worse than ever.

It was a slow slog recovering from that injury, and I was getting so dirt poor dealing with the aftermath of the injury. I not only was stuck inside because of the pain, I was stuck inside because of the poverty. I got an e-mail from the wonderful people at Yahoo telling me that I was chosen for the Yahoo 360 Beta program. 360 for those that missed it was the Yahoo answer to Myspace, but a lot less active in it's own right. I started playing with my new toy, and one of the spaces in the 360 main page was for your BLOG. I had no clue what a BLOG was but I wanted to fill it out. Bear with me if you have heard all this before because I assure you that I am a different person today then I was then. That first BLOG entry can still be seen here and it is very short compared to the blathering I do now. Within hours it was being argued about in the chat room, as one of my ex cyber romances was still around and very nosey. There were typical high school style drama factions building and at the time you couldn't delete a blog so I was screwed.

My answer to that was to write another blog as quickly as possible and post it before I had to leave my chat world altogether. This was where my ironic humor came forth as “Things You Learn With a Bad Back” was written in haste, but had dozens of people reading it because they thought they were going to see the gossip. I was quite flattered that people were abuzz about reading what I had written. I went on to start satirizing my ex-wife and her “partner” who later started telling their friends to read “Things You Learn From Your Ex Wife's Girlfriend” and asking me when the next one would be out whenever I ran into them. Now even though there were many other “series” that fell in between them it was “Livin' With Evils's” and all of the offshoots of that that became my signature series. Even though there were over 60 of those in that series, it was still the day that I wrote “Leaning a Bit Left” that things completely started taking off. That satirical look at abortion completely took a lot of people at bay, and the internal counter went over 1000 hits for the first time. I avoided politics all together after that for quite a while, and continued along with my “My Name Is Jeremy and I am a Drunk” series which endeared me to a lot of people I think.

For a good solid year I wrote 2 blogs a day, and they were becoming so huge that my ego on the best of days could barely handle it. I was the first person on 360 to hit 100 comments on a blog, then 200, then 500, and even shut down my page when the system found out it couldn't handle a page nearing 1000. I had acquired my two closest friends who later on I had proclaimed my cyber parents along the way. Don & Cathy Mc through Cathy's cousin Vanessa and Cathy was my rock, and Don was my comic sidekick for a long time. The comments section was the main reason people showed up. Many people fought over being the first comment and people kept coming back to see what hilarity was being espoused in them all. I had become the ringmaster of a very strange circus, and it was going completely to my head. Don't get me wrong, I was still extremely popular because my honesty {wrapped in a pretty package} was what was bringing people back for more, but my inner pain, outer pain, and growing ego were not great bedfellows.

I actually jumped the shark an aweful long time before anyone noticed. I was writing, and I was going to my friends pages and reading what they wrote and leaving witty comments and my follower list was something out of Jonestown. The women on my list were using their inherent anonymity to write smut most of the time for cheap thrills, and I was playing along with that for quite a while until I decided to “get even” with all of them for throwing one embarrassing blog after another at me. This was when I surprised my readers with “Tales of Tease” which was released while most of the women that read my blog were at work. The comments were quite amusing actually since most of it was from women that were driven to the brink. It wasn't the humorous banter that followed the lighthearted “Let's Talk About Sex Baby” which was simply picking on my perversions. This was all ego encompassing glorification of a carnal nature I really should have avoided to begin with, but hey, I'm human. I never could drop the need to tap that fake energy, and worse than that it created stalkers. Most of them were just love sick nut jobs, but many of them were pissed off men, who hated what I had and they didn't.

I'll avoid going on and on about what I wrote and how it was received, but I still managed to keep it pretty real, and mixed in a lot of levity. There did come a time though that my ego got completely out of control, as I watched so many real life people spending too much time hanging on to my every day to day. Some of them were playing far too active a role in my own day to day as well. I started either inadvertently or quite advertently {yeah it's not a word, but I do that} harming others and responding to it inappropriately in either direction. I was either too emotional about it or not emotional enough about it and if there is one thing I should have learned over the years it's that I don't “do” emotions right whatsoever. Worse than that it all came screeching to a halt when the people that stalked me and my friends finally got their way, and Yahoo completely disabled my account. It figures that my last blog was one of those “Tales of Tease” blogs that always got me in trouble but I was actively egging everyone on to get me past that 1000 comment threshold that always crashed the system. All the whining in the world that I did afterward didn't change the fact that Yahoo had warned me about both those things at least a dozen times.

I was so pissed off and completely indignant to anything I did. I cried about censorship, and envy, and all of the other things, but in reality I brought it all on myself, and in the end I had nobody to blame but myself. All sites have a TOS that says “don't fuck with us or we'll fuck with you” and they should after all. Free speech only works on public property and nobody who owns a server calls it “public property” which would equate to me demanding to stand in their living room screaming things about their mother. At the time you couldn't have sold it to me, but I have grown up somewhat since then. Don't think I actually grew up then though, as this story continues.

I took my show on the road, because I wasn't ready to give up my internet “stardom” or should I say that mortality is hard for anyone to deal with really. I moved over to Myspace where most of my Yahoo followers found me immediately. I built up an even larger list and even started living the Myspace dream. After a few months I was number 1 on the Myspace blog list for a couple of strait weeks. I didn't get the comments I used to, but I was definitely trackable and my ego was out of control again. Looking back on it all it's a bit scary, because I'm so not like that anymore which is strange. I don't think it was so much a fact that I grew up or anything, I just started understanding the bad that comes with the good. I started writing the great American novels and posting excerpts of them online, and my entries were always top ten. My stalkers finally found me on Myspace, and the games began again. I would ride my own destructive roller coaster arguing with them, and raging against whatever pissed me off at the time, and talking about all of my bad points, and everyone was eating it up, but for some ungodly reason I wasn't anymore. I noticed myself checking the rankings everyday and I got sick of being me, being UBER me.

I had another meltdown and took my show off the road. I started just posting to my personal blog, and for a while I was still getting quite a few readers, but they died off slowly. Without all the glare and fanfare of being on an online service like Yahoo or Myspace all of the comment showmanship became unimportant after all. For some weird reason it felt better to just write for the sake of writing, but I would be lying to say I didn't miss it a little at times. Especially when someone reads one of my entries from my personal site and wonder why I act like there's thousands of comments under the entries, usually very rudely. That's just part of the cross I bear for years of patting myself on the back while the masses clapped. I still save everything I wrote because a lot of it was very good, even without the ego, and I thank God that despite what I told everyone, I believed Yahoo when they started warning me, and copied it all over to my site. I'd also like to say that my online rampages and ego ended here, but there appears to be at least another one of these coming, so .. To Be Continued

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Jeremy Crow on Multiply {For Community Types} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

All writings Copyright © 2009