Sunday, November 22, 2009

And The Merry Go Round Broke Down - Volume 8

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It's been so damn long since I started screwing around with the internet, that I often forget where everything really started for me. The internet in and of itself was the greatest hiding place for me. This went back before I was truly my own worst enemy but I was like eleven or twelve years old when I figured out how to “invent” passwords to get into the UNH servers, and browse through Usenet for “get even” articles. I was using my Commodore 64 with a 1200 baud modem, and before too long I was gaining a certain level of notoriety as a cartoon character with some evil intent known as “Slackman” which later became “The Slack” and as always had “escapism” written all over it. When IRC became more dominant, I was already acclimated to internet life so well, that I was writing my own clients for the bevy of Amiga's I went through.

My entire high school years were spent drinking, arguing with my peers, arguing with my superiors, drinking, playing the one sport I was good at, drinking, and going home and breaking into this server or that server while drunk. This was well before the term “hacker” was cool, or Reagan was out of the White House. By today's standards the term “hacker” would have been unfair, since all I did was “crack” into other people's internet bandwidth, but at the time everybody and their grandmother didn't have access to the net. I had my first PC given to me around this time as the looming fear of the Commodore failure was upon us all, and that 386 was pretty new stuff, and totally confused the person who gave it to me. It didn't confuse me all that bad, but what it did do was make me extremely curious.

Unlike my Amiga's it didn't require a soldering iron to start tinkering around with components. Most of the things inside were quite unique in the way that they could be changed out {with great strength} through simple bus updates. My Amiga was still the basis of my IRCing and Usenet chaos, but the 386 with hardly any tinkering at all was transformed into a BBS {Bulletin Board Service} and I was able to use my Amiga to download large quantities of Usenet Data {Porn} to fill the BBS with. Next thing I knew I {through word of mouth} had thousands of people clogging the two phone lines going into the BBS computer, for the data {Porn} they couldn't get since they couldn't get on the internet. It wasn't until the 486 came along that I had given up on Commodore altogether, and started playing around with something known in the early 90's as “The Web”

Real life started taking it's toll on me around this time, but my BBS still ran. I was in college, playing college level sports, gotten sober {thank GOD} and with all of that came the problem known as women. After college came the real life issues like jobs, and later on like marriage. My days of twattering away at a keyboard, and getting involved in things I really shouldn't have were numbered or so I thought. Through the enlightenment of a bad marriage to a woman that became the meanest woman I ever met the day AFTER I married her, I found my old friend the Internet again. My BBS was still running but desperately in need of updating. I started cramming larger hard drives into it, and started filtering Usenet directly through it. The data {PORN} was starting to really pile up and required better organization. The escapism I was throwing into my computers, and radical viewpoints being espoused throughout it all was taking a toll on the marriage above and beyond all of the “well veiled hatred” we already had for each other. In the end she found comfort elsewhere and later after that so did I.

This brought another wrinkle into what was again becoming a budding online presence, which would be the birth of my son. I scrapped the whole BBS empire which was declining rather quickly as all of my users now had easy access to the internet themselves, and sold off all of my equipment to various people at work. I had given it all up again and I was all the happier for it. All of my “good” computers had been left behind in the divorce to the angry woman I had married so I wasn't in any position to play around with the internet anyway. This was a good thing since I had also in a matter of a year taken on the responsibility of being a father to my son and his older sister. Of course this couldn't last as I was dealing with other sets of circumstances in my life as my grandfather who I had gotten hooked on the whole “power through computers” thing died, and with that I got all of HIS computers. My second marriage was starting to turn foul, despite the third child being on the way, and the pile of old computers gave me an opportunity to do something with my hands in the hope of later on doing something with my brain.

I started bringing my BBS expertise to a new arena, and that being the world wide web. I started a website that would simply coordinate information {Not Porn} on a large scale, and it wasn't huge, but it was solvent. I took advantage of the fake economy Bill Clinton years, to make the most money possible, and sold out my website at the last minute, to acquire enough money to buy my first house. I didn't get rich, but I got to the magic number that most people don't get to, Zero. Of course the marriage fell apart when I found out that my wife at the time was having A LOT of affairs, and I still to this day shake my head in awe as I really was the last to know. I gave up the computers for a different vice at this time which was “Home Improvement” due to the fact that I owned a house now, and had soured on the internet after the tech bubble burst.

Later on I had gotten my head out of my butt and bought my first real Pentium computer. I had been without the wife, and without the kids for about 6 months. I needed something to do in my spare time, to which there seemed to be a lot of now. I had moved back to New York to get away from all of the anger I had back in New Hampshire, and it seemed to be working pretty good. I had a girlfriend again {13 years younger than I was he says while wiggling his eyebrows} and was an avid bowler. Hey you deal with your issues your way and I will mine, but I was a 200 average bowler and that's nothing to sneeze at. My oldest daughter had moved in with me, because she couldn't cope with her mother. My computer was just a good way to get some music online, and at times to do my banking or whatnot since most of my finances were still back in New Hampshire. I didn't even have a clue what was coming next when I got that call from my former mother in law telling me that my son had burned down the apartment complex that he was living in at the time. She probably wouldn't have even called if the kids weren't dropped on her doorstep while their mother went out partying.

Back to New Hampshire I went, where I have been stuck ever since. My girlfriend like a trooper came with me. My daughter was all charged to help me get the other kids away from their mother. Please keep in mind that my oldest daughter isn't biologically mine, but has been “My Daughter” since she was about 5. The computer was put away for the duration of that whole topic of “real life” that was assaulting me again. Later on I was married for the third time to the poor thing that didn't really know what she was getting into, and I had three kids that were a little on the “mentally destroyed” side thanks to their mother who spent the last year thinking with her crotch. To be honest with you all I still didn't know who I was or what I was doing but I tried to dominate my life with the concept of “just doing the next right thing”

I wasn't overly shocked when my wife left me. It was too much for anyone to all of a sudden become a mother, and who can blame her. The fact that she became a lesbian was a bit of a shock, but as I had always said, it was a lot easier to deal with a woman leaving you for having the WRONG equipment than having NOT GOOD ENOUGH equipment, and I'll leave it at that. This does become somewhat important as I go on. Within a couple of weeks I found myself, divorced, unemployed, and with three kids to take care of. It's funny how life goes isn't it? I pulled my computer out of the closet and actually had no clue what I was going to do with it. I did use the computer to find a new job. They weren't that easy to find so I was happy to have it. The job was completely beneath me but I had a family to support and hardly any options. That was when I found Yahoo chat. It was a wonderful way to pretend I was a “somebody” when the looming evidence was that I was increasingly becoming a “nobody”

I played in my fantasyland of being a “somebody” in the chat rooms at night while I whiled away my life soaking asphalt into fiberglass during the day. I got into a slew of little “cyber relationships” because I had no comprehension of having a “real life” when my “real life” required taking care of three children, three different ages, and two different genders, with the majority of my free time. When the kids went yo bed though, I could turn on that computer and have what I would consider “adult conversation” and often it would even be with people that acted “adult” and it was a great way to be something other than self.

There were two distinct things that happened at this time that started the second half of my life with a bang, and that would be the traumatic back injury that happened to me at the job I never liked, and the invite to beta test the new “Yahoo 360” I got a few weeks afterwards. You never know what's going to happen to you as you walk the path of life, because life is a terrible thing to wish upon any human being. To Be Continued ...

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Jeremy Crow on Multiply {For Community Types} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

All writings Copyright © 2009