Saturday, April 25, 2009

The More Things Change The More They Stay Depraved - Volume 1

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This is my first Saturday night in a while that I haven’t had plans. It’s not a bad thing really as my plans over the last couple of weeks had led to misery, and tonight I actually looked forward to not having plans. I’m sure in a couple of weeks of not having plans I will be miserable about that, and the vicious cycle shall continue. Still it’s all part of the plan for the new Jeremy, and it appears to be going on schedule. Never too quickly, often too slowly, but steadily moving along with or without my permission. Of course it still has more to do with who I am and what I am than what I want to be or where I want to get to. Confused yet? Well that is a small sample of what it is like to have my brain, the big bag of marbles and not the slightest clue of how to play with them.

The one good thing that I can say about myself is that I at least can identify the color of the marbles, despite my lack of knowledge on which one to knock into the next. That’s a start, so I should be happy with what I have, and that is the largest part of settling into the new me. Needless to say there are probably a few people that will say that I have been settling into the new me for the last 6 years, with a few set-backs along the way. I should look at my progress from the day my last wife left me. It was startlingly deep to figure out that it wasn’t the end of the world, but if you had seen me after the first two then you would say it was major improvement to begin on, build on and perhaps even grow with. I managed to even be comfortable alone for larger quantities of time than I had in the past, but inevitably, I could never do it forever. There’s the rub.

People like me have an innate tendency to desperately need people, while at the same time a desperate need to be alone. This is a bit easier than it sounds, despite my ability to complicate things. I hate not having someone to call “my own” but at the same time I hate having more people depending on me. I’m actually pretty good at the whole “being needed” thing, but the problem on top of that is that my slots are a bit full. At this point in my life, as it had been for quite a while now, I have 3 kids, a grandmother, and {part of the time} a father, who relies on me for various “adult” responsibilities. What little time is left over I of course wish to dedicate to building a relationship of a “different” kind of adult nature. Rub number two comes into play here.

Despite the opinion of “most” people, men tend not to be so encumbered with responsibilities. There are plenty of single fathers out there, and aside from working a bit of overtime to pay off their responsibilities, they tend to be the same as a single non father, with a day or two here and there where they are otherwise “occupied” playing daddy. The type of single father that has actual custody of their children usually falls below the “half” mark in divorced families, and in my case the “single father whose ex-wife has nothing to do with their kids” percentage is nearly zero. To be honest with you, I get around a bit, and I know of very few, and of those few none of them have more than two kids. This would place my predicament into the range of a conundrum even.

I tried it all ever since I gave up on the half way across the world online romances. Dated a few women that “fully understood” my need to keep my family out of my relationships. This of course to them meant that they would wait a week or two before they started fiercely detesting it. Dated one where we tried to simply include our families together, which was misery incarnate as both sets of kids selfishly disrupted the whole affair. I’ll leave it at that. Dated a single mother that completely proved my case that single mothers don’t want single fathers, because they don’t want to share, and most importantly I realized that I tend to gravitate towards “damaged” women anyway. Most of them end up damaging me a little more in the process. Last Saturday I came to the conclusion that I am just plain damaged. It wasn’t a bad week really after that acknowledgement. The trick realistically, which I always forget to implement after a long enough period of time is ABSTINENCE! The second I start slipping back into the belief that I can have a moderately healthy relationship, I have already started damaging myself, because sometimes it is best to remember a joke I had said for a long enough period of time, and somehow had talked myself out of. I can have an adult relationship as soon as I learn to be an adult. Until I get to that point I should simply prove that I have what it takes to keep a cat alive for more than a couple of years.

I do have some good news as far as the last crash and burn session went. I didn’t walk away from it blaming my kids. It wasn’t their inherent “neediness” or the time that it took to take care of them, or even their need to destroy the whole thing before it could even start. It was my ability to finally locate a very damaging problem before it was too late, and the ability to walk away that had ended it. In the end I had found solace in my kids, as they were what I had to come home too after a couple of horribly distraught Saturdays. In fact they had been pleasantly surprised by my walking into the house dejected and far too early to even be explained away. By dedicating my time to them in these hours of “pissed off” that mark the end of any miserable Saturday, I had come through the weekends slightly less damaged than would have been expected. Progress and not perfection, is a good start after all. It could have been the death of Singledaddyman {as the name had originally been} but in the end it was the same ol' same ol' ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Jeremy Crow on Multiply {For Community Types} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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