Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2008: #4

Ah I remember the good old days before I was the most diabolical force known to mankind. Yes in those days I was simply a little boy, with all the hopes and dreams of any little boy, and my time was better spent trying to con people out of what I wanted for Christmas, and less on trying to hold the world hostage for one meeeeeeeeeelion dollars. Yes I tended to run around with boxes over my head, yelling about how it was the greatest box I had ever gotten, but I was so young, ever so young and lost in the dementia of Christmas itself. Later on separated as I was from the family I understood, I was once again smitten with the idea of Christmas, and getting that one great toy. The only toy I ever needed, and will always cherish, I had even written uber class essays on my wonderful decisions to my teacher, just to have her break my poor little heart with those five little words, “You’ll shoot your eyes out,” and a big fat C on them.

You see this is where the whole world started their evil plan to get me at all costs. It started with my fool of a mother {I think they codenamed her The Mother of all the Evils’s or MAE} and was infiltrated into the very school that was supposed to teach me things. My father was no help, that simpering Jeremy Crow, and who is he fooling, I know he is also the Superdaddyman, but all good super villains know how to keep their enemies secrets for their own purposes, and obviously had been brought to all those that would seek to help true genius as myself! Operation Get the Captain {or OGC I suppose} had been in the works for years, and it appeared that I was no closer to getting that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, but I am after all the boy with a plan! Quitting is not, and has never been a part of my vocabulary, and even when I was young and dumb, I was able to formulate a plot, if the goal was great enough. Who wouldn’t want an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock after all?

I had had some minor success formulating a few plots here and there along the way, and as my cognitive skills were forming around me, I had worked my own special brand of magic in preparations for the big plan. What is a man without a plan? Even at the ripe old age of 5, which seems like half my life ago, I was practicing the skills of manipulation. Sure there was that kid on the playground who I got to stick his tongue to the pole, and the urine I had put in my teachers coffee {give me a C and her smart butt remarks will she} but most of my new found eviling skills were being honed properly cracking into the Superdaddydolt’s server, and deleting all those stupid movies with the people screaming in the bedroom, and wrestling or something. Never could understand how they were supposed to wrestle properly without a ring and tights on anyway, but that is neither here nor there. It was all a question of breaking them all down. The secret to any good criminal mastermind, even when fledgling in nature is to wear down the hopeless do gooders! Give them something else to worry about so that you can sneak in under the radar.

Santa Clause was out by this point. That fat old bastard told me that I would shoot my eye out to, and let’s face it, after waiting two hours in line to hear that he deserved what I did to his whiskey bottle, after I snooped around a bit in his hut. Always remember to bring an accomplice on those missions, because the Clause always seems to have a lot of little security people wearing tights and pointy hats everywhere. It was pretty simple really, I sat on his lap, gave him my list of demands, “My father says I can’t have an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, and I told him that you would kick his Superdaddybutt unless I get it!” to which he had the audacity to say to me the fatal five words, and what was I supposed to do then? Just take it like a girl? Speaking of girl this is where the little sister comes in handy, as she was up next yammering away like the little idiot that she is and touching absolutely EVERYBODY. I swear after about five minutes of that she had lulled the fat traitor into a sense of dull apathy, and I struck like the burgeoning criminal mastermind should at times like these. Bottle was found, the stupid looking dog with the fake antlers on its head had a place to relieve itself, I had a place to relieve myself, and Lord only knows that red nosed old fraud was probably thrilled to see that he had almost twice as much whiskey on his next break! I of course tried unsuccessfully to petition all the other Santa Clauses with the bells out front of Wal-Mart, and the grocery stores, just to find out that they had gotten to all of them too.

I could feel the evil coursing through my every vein as OGC was being plotted and planned behind my back, and like all of the inferior class super villains you read about in the comic books, I was starting to plot harder to get my official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. Now mind you characters like the Joker, or Lex Luthor, or even that stupid Vulture guy were never blessed with my superior skills at committing unmitigated evil, so you can only expect their plots to go wrong, but then again sadly in my youth I wasn’t quite honed in the fine arts of Evil-Fu myself. Many other plots came and went, and I was quite melancholy when some of my greatest allies in the war against the Superdaddyman couldn’t understand the overwhelming need for an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. Even Greektradgedius Inyiddish was no help in all of this. Her reply of those five hated words meant that the overwhelming “guilt beat down” that I was hoping she would lay on the Superdaddyfool wasn’t coming. Bringing the idea to Greektradgedius Intraining not only brought those five words but the string of obscenities that spilled out before and after them was enough to turn my face purple. If I wasn’t already one of the foremost evil geniuses in the world I might have even thought I could bring this up to therapist and get a bit of sympathy about it all!

I guess while we are on that subject they apparently had gotten to her too. All I had to say was, “I want an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock and all of these halfwits around me don’t seem to understand the cataclysmic importance of this!” and she used the five words on me! I had always thought that she was on MY side, and worse than that she came pretty darn close to talking me out of it! Mental note should be inserted here that I forced her into early retirement just like that witch who used to be my teacher. You can’t expect a super villain to accept treachery at such a base level can you? In the end I had finally determined that it was going to take some pretty shifty dealings to get an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, but what else was I supposed to do at this point? Oh they’ll see … To be continued