Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2008: #2


Of course they hadn’t heard the last of me! I am and have always been the same criminal mastermind that holds this pathetic city hostage at my merest wish, despite the fact that the coming out process was in effect when this tale was being spun. That official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, would have been beyond the scope of ordinary boys and girls at this point in time, but I borrowed a page out of Imtoocutus’s book and started my steady flow of nagging and bribery. I started diligently picking up extra chores around the house. Well not the ones they wanted me to do, but the ones that would better serve my goals and objectives.

The first chore I took upon myself was the exhausting task of answering the phone whenever someone called. “Hello, you have reached the Casa di Evil’s where the best gift you could get anyone would be the official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock!” I had to start hanging up on the ones that said I’d shoot my eye out because they were simply taking up valuable marketing time. In the end it was that rotten Lazius Boycrazius that convinced me that I should move on to other chores {I think anyway, it was kinda a blur after the first few punches} and even suggested a few of them that seemed to mimic most of her chores. Tragically I was too tired to take on any of those chores and decided it was best for me to retire to my parlor for a while to think up more “useful” chores that didn’t involve things like “work” and would of course reach my true objective.

Now mind you during this time of my long and fulfilling life thus far the Superdaddymoron was married to the one that he commonly refers to as EX3. It’s hard to remember all the time, since he has been obviously trying to teach Liz Taylor a thing or two about the whole ordeal, but she was the one that only seemed to be with other girls after they broke up. I can only imagine the amount of cooties that two women can produce in a day! Uck! Now as my memory serves her and Greektradgedius Inyiddish were both fighting diligently over who got to ruin the Christmas turkey. Take it from a survivor of both of their cooking, that either of them could have done it quickly and efficiently without all of the emotional battery that they expended to get from point A to point B, but even a six year old super villain can catch on to the fact that it is the emotional abuse leading up to the confrontation that kept them both young. Being a male cursed with that vile Jeremy Crow’s DNA I should probably get used to women like that, but let’s get back to the point here. Jeremy Superdaddyduh Crow is a certified turkey craven lunatic, and it’s probably the only thing that keeps him putting up with the holidays at all. Well that and because you are what you eat I suppose.

Now by the time Christmas day had rolled around I had just about exhausted all of my resources on getting that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. The day of Christmas in fact I remember gloomily sorting through the crap everyone had actually gotten me. A new computer, Playstation 2, a new bicycle, television, see in the dark infrared glasses like the marines use, and a pile of other unfulfilling crap. I watched my stupid little sister run around with a box over her head yelling “A Box a Box !!! Look daddy I got a box!!!” like some little freak! I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be that young and stupid, but as I carry on, the only real pleasure in it all was the usual tragedy of watching the Superdaddyslob walking around with a bottle of Maalox in his hand dealing with three different families all sitting around and hating on each other. Sure I knew that EX3 {who in the end had the honor of ruining the turkey} was leaving later that day. I’m not stupid after all, and I watched her leave every night for the last month or so and had noticed that all of her things were gone, when I was .. um .. scouting out the house. Let’s face it though, my lack of official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock kinda meant that everyone else should have a horrible Christmas. I realize that it probably wasn’t going to get to that box loving moron that sleeps in the other room, but I have years to get even with her!

This was when it happened! The dogs that had been barking at the door all day, held at bay from their carnal needs had been accidentally {muahahahaha?} let in, and they made a b-line strait for the turkey that was cooling off next to the stove. Of course Maggie jumped up to grab it and the stupid dog knocked herself out against the cabinet, and Tommy just sat there staring at it using his mental abilities to get Greektradgedius Inyiddish out of her throne in the living room to come in and give him a piece of it. As usual it worked like a charm as she came out telling him what a good dog he was. She carved off a good slab and loudly explained that this was the fatty part of the breast and tossed it to him. It was pure insanity from the moment it hit the floor. Maggie who was starting to come around seized the piece of turkey from Tommy {cuz he is a loser} and started devouring it. Tommy resorted to plan two and started whining. Greek Tradgedius found another huge chunk of fat in the breast and gave it to Tommy, and the fun began.

Maggie started up first as she had devoured her chunk of turkey the fastest. It was coming out both ends like something out of the exorcist!! She was running around hurling on everyone’s pant legs, while Tommy ground his butt into the carpet leaving a trail of sick behind him. Within minutes they had traded places and the rooms that earlier were strewn with wrapping paper were now strewn with something of a far more biodegradable matter, and the smell … oh my God the smell of the doggie sick all over everything was enough to start Imtoocutus to joining in on the fun. Now there were two dogs and an idiot hurling all throughout the living room. You couldn’t buy a script like this! {or perhaps you could, feel free to leave a comment and my people can meet up with your people and we can do lunch} Greektradgedius Inyiddish was running around demanding that someone clean up the mess and fix her dog. Lazius Boycrazius was having a fit of the giggles, and Superdaddydoofus was sitting on the back porch with a cigarette in one hand and a poisonous turkey leg in the other. I actually think that he was hoping one or the other would kill him.

Several hours later, we had just about cleaned up all of the mess, and I was about ready to call it a night, when I heard the doorbell upstairs ringing. I didn’t think much of it since I had almost had the Playstation 2 completely apart, so that I could see what really made it tick, and then I heard footsteps on the stairs leading down to my lair. They weren’t the usual footsteps that I hear above me which actually made me put down the pile of spare parts I had left over while trying to reconstruct the PS2. I finally heard the voice as it walked around the corner, and was shocked to see my maternal grandfather standing there with a package for me. He had that look of irresponsibility on his face that I so admire about him, and I could hear his faithful accomplice {my grandmother} upstairs keeping everyone else occupied. “Hey Booboo you haven’t opened my Christmas present yet,” he said to me as he came walking around the corner.

I was totally elated as I knew my faithful accomplice in anything that would get under that Superdaddygoons skin, couldn’t possibly let me down! I seized the package from him, which coincidentally didn’t occur to me at the time was about thirty times to large to have an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, but you know how my mind gets when I enter Super ADHD mode. I ripped the paper open, throwing it in every direction. The box was HUGE, and it had a picture of a real creepy looking kid that belonged in a Brady Bunch rerun smiling at me, while holding a couple of sticks. My mind was thinking “nun chucks” but then again my mind wasn’t thinking much at all as this box was WAY too big for nun chucks and Lord knows this 70’s castaway would only hurt himself with a pair. As I tore open the box I saw … a drum set.

Now the look of bewilderment on my face must have said it all but my Bumpa {no comments, the guy brings me all the contraband I’ll call him whatever he wants} simply smiled at me and said, “If you can’t get what you want, get even,” and winked at me. A small black spot started forming in my brain as it dawned on me what wonderful headaches I could start handing out with this. It should only take a few days before someone brings a gun into the house after all! It was through that drum set that I finally had the tools necessary to hone my super evil skills of ADHDing properly as well. I was like a tone deaf Keith Moon on crack, and most of the family couldn’t even walk into the same room as me when I got going! All in all it wasn’t the worst Christmas I ever had, but it still seems to stick out in my mind like that jerk that used to beat you up in school, whatshisname out in Arkansas now. I would have to say it is in my top ten Christmas’s of all time, and that’s my story. I’m sticking to it. Signed .. The Sweet and Innocent .. Captain ADHD ;8o)