Monday, December 22, 2008

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2008: #3


Of course life does go on in Megalopolis. Aside from my quest to get that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, and the various plots that the Powers that Be {PTB} concocted to keep me from it, there was the case of this bully at school. You know the type, who is about 3 years older than everyone else and can’t seem to get past the fifth grade. The inbreeding and such had also managed to mutate him larger than most of the eighth graders that he should have been with, but luck would have it, he gets to hang out with the fifth graders, and at the time, beat up all the first graders. Myself being included in all of this, it was hard for me to save up the necessary funds to buy my own official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. Fortunately I hadn’t planned on spending my lunch money on food anyway, but I took the problem to that Superdaddydolt, and all he had to say was the pitiful old crap of “You just have to stand up to that bully and punch him in the mouth,” yeah like that was going to happen, and then of course added, “Bullies are bullies because secretly they are cowards.”

Well in this case bullies can be bullies because the pain of trying to think makes them mean. Perhaps it is because he was roughly seven freaking years older than me, and gets angry that he has to get on his knees and reach down to punch me. Never seemed to stop him come to think of it, but perhaps he was just an inbdred redneck with nothing better to do, I really could have cared less. I wasn’t stupid enough to hit him back no matter how many times he had beaten me up. Now if I had that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, I probably could have just shot his sorry butt and had done with it, but noooooooooooo, we had to play the game. It was then that I realized that I had strange evilling abilities that were unhoned, and bursting to get out of me. Sort of like Harry Potter, but not in such a head up your butt, doo gooder sort of way. My first nemesis, aka Lazius Boycrazius had been developing her diabolical skills already but not at such a young age as I. This of course can be explained away by my superiority and leadership that has guided TOKE {The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s} into the international force that it has become today, but I digress. As always I am worried that my superior intellect could be confusing to those trying to keep up after all.

Well you see it was that one day, on my way home from school after yet another dejection in my quest to get the official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. This time it was that one eyed kid who sells the strange smelling herbs on the playground who always has a knack for getting anything you need. When he told me that I would shoot my eye out I came pretty close to asking him what had happened to his, but thought better of it. He was notoriously mean too you see, and besides I had to get my stupid little sister home and she could hardly move in that stupid snow suit. Well as luck would have it along came that stupid bully and he had just gotten word from the strange kid that I was trying to procure a certain official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. He wasn’t showing up to help, let me tell you, and he nailed me strait in the face with an ice ball. My eyes had teared up horribly, and he started calling me a crybaby. Nobody calls me a crybaby and gets away with it! Well actually he did on this occasion but I digress yet again!

Having had enough of all this crap I heard a small voice in the back of my head saying “Use the force Luke!” which made me know instinctively it was time for me to go home and get my pills, but it also reminded me of all the painstaking effort I had taken in hacking into the Superdaddydummy’s computer network! I was simply twittering with ideas, or perhaps it was the lack of pills, but my stifled abilities had come out of me, and I had a plan we will just call Operation Get The Stupid Dummy That Steals My Lunch Money And Make Him Pay Really Badly {OGT .. uh .. SD .. Oh screw it THE PLAN} and it should have come to me all along. A simple little prank that would forever change his ability to bully me, and far more effective than having to have my jaw wired shut if I were to hit him. You see it was so simple that I was almost ashamed of myself for not coming up with it sooner, but at six years old I was just starting to come into my own.

First I did what just about anyone else would have done, and speed blitzed all the credit servers on the internet. Once I had stocked piled enough credit in the name of the Bully’s parents, I withdrew all of the cash and immediately started transferring it between their bank accounts and special bank accounts that I had been playing around with when I was bored in the Cayman Islands and Switzerland. The trick was to use the speed of Captain ADHD to make sure that thousands of transactions would get through before the IRS could figure it out. By the time the IRS had come to take the Bully’s parents away, he had already been sent off to live with his grandmother in the Ozarks or some other place where the hillbilly’s live, and I was home free. It was a bit simplistic in nature, but I had confirmed that it would work using the Ovaltine Little Orphan Annie Ouija Board that I had gotten in the mail. Now I could get back to the important things like manipulating my way into that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock … To be continued