Sunday, November 9, 2008

And the Merry Go Round Broke Down - Volume 12

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I had another one of those wonderful opportunities to meet a total psychopath online recently to add to my collection. I really do try to be completely desensitized to the various women that cross my path in online communities, as I have found that most of them aren't real, and the ones that are usually aren't interested or too far away. My basic belief that online life is no more than a cartoon where we all get to be characters offends people sometimes but it is a lot safer in the long run than simply giving in to the emotion that everyone out there is a rational, feeling human being like you. Every once in a while though you run into one that either gets past your rational defenses or in a lot of cases tries to crash right through them with blinding force. In the latest instance {which was the first for me in years, I was starting to think I had lost my ability to attract kooks} the woman in question completely blindsided me, and my gentler side tried to let her down easy, when what I should have done was used a bit of cruelty.

It was on a site I like to play on called MyYearBook {or MYB for short} which is a lot like most social sites, but with a few twists, like Lunch Money. Lunch Money being the cyber currency that you use to give you certain status or what not, and there are many ways to get and use it. I found the site because I use the spin off of the site on facebook named Owned, which I have talked about in the past. In that game you buy and sell pictures, and make money doing so. On MYB you get money for just about everything, playing games, cruising the site, sending gold stars and high fives, etc etc. You also can spend the money buying pictures, and gifts for people throughout the site. Aside from the virtual currency, the site is a fun place to watch the biggest gang of con artists I have ever seen in one place, and that's saying something as I am a CherryTap {Fubar} survivor. At least 99 percent of the people you will meet on there are running some sort of a con, whether it be to get you to view their pages for popularity, get you to vote on battles that they are in {which they bet on to get more money} or simply trying to con you into adding them, since they get money for that too. It's hilarious once you get desensitized to it, and I usually change my status to reflect some sort of absurdity there {I have a stealth account so I already page viewed you, feel free to shower me with goodies like you promised} or anything that amuses me.

The reality of it is it is a good way to kill time, and I am pretty good at playing Owned so I tend to make a lot of Lunch Money. It is a perverse sense of power, and unlike most of the sites I joined years ago, I am amazingly useless and unpopular otherwise, which to me was a good thing. I play games while I wait for the kids to go to bed, I look for bargains in the picture galleries between articles, and I spent a lot more time in there waiting for that never ending presidential battle to get over with so I could be inspired to write again. My unpopularity, and lack of interest in the real day to day in the place should have been a boon to my free time, and allowed me a chance to cool off in relative anonymity right? Yeah I know.

My first real whacko in a while came out of nowhere. She had secret admired me {another way to get money} and I looked at her page where she was using the name Nymphadora Tonks. As a huge Harry Potter fan, I sent her a note telling her that I had all the audiobooks and would be happy to send them to her via Pando. Within a few days she had new pictures up in her profile that were really cheap and very sexy, so I bought them, and she responded with FORCE. Her pictures got bid through the roof, and then she started buying my pictures and the pictures of women that I owned. This made a couple of the women I owned angry, and at the same time she was sending me ultimatums in messages. Heaven forbid we even live in the same time zone. I tried to be kind in my responses and it infuriated her, and finally it got to the point where I had to tell her to chill out because she was acting like a kook. She deleted all of the pictures I owned and cost me most of my Lunch Money. Oh well. I deleted the pictures she owned and released them again and got most of my money back, but it was quite harrowing during the miserable 4 days that it lasted.

I decided that the only solution to deal with this in the future is to come out with some sort of Stalker Application, so that I may be less blindsided by a kook when they decide that I am either the apple of their affection or the dreaded rival in their conquests. If you feel the need to stalk me in the future please take a moment to fill out the simple application below and I will personally get back to you as soon as I can ;8o)

Application to Stalk Jeremy Crow

Thank you for your interest in stalking Jeremy Crow at this time. We would like to take this opportunity to assess your stalking abilities so that we may determine if you are a viable threat or a minor nuisance*. We here at Crow Pharmaceuticals Inc. take great pride in our equal opportunity stalking, and wish only to make it a more pleasant experience for you, and a far more agonizing aggravation for Jeremy Crow in return**. Please fill out the following information, and accompanying questionnaire as truthfully as your doctor feels you are capable of at this time.

Your Information

Your Full Name _______________________________________________________________________

Name You Were Yesterday ____________________________________________________________

Name You Plan to be Tomorrow ________________________________________________________

Your General Location _________________________________________________________________

Your Other Locations __________________________________________________________________

Person to whom you are stalking because of ____________________________________________

Name they use now that they are on to your other profiles _______________________________

Please Circle All That Apply

I am a .. [Woman who can fix you] [Man who can fix you] [The only woman who ever understood you]
[The man who understands you better than HER] [A man upset that the woman I stalk talked to you]
[A woman upset that the woman I stalk talked to you] [All of the above] [God said I don’t have to answer this one]

How many fake profiles do you plan to create and dedicate to the cause .. [1 to 2] [3 to 6] [7 to 20]
[As many as it takes to completely alienate you from everyone who doesn’t understand you the way I do]
[As many as it takes to get that bitch to understand that I am right for her and not you] [God said I don’t have to answer this one]

Do you plan to cross genders with your fake profiles? .. [Yes] [No] [What is a gender?] [God said I don’t have to answer this one]

Have you actually had sex with Jeremy Crow? .. [Yes] [No] [Not yet] [It’s what I tell everyone anyway]
[No but I bet that bitch who really loves me did] [God said I don’t have to answer this one]

Have you actually had sex? .. [Yes] [No] [It’s none of your damn business] [Did someone else have to actually be there with me?]
[What’s sex?] [God said I don’t have to answer this one]

If you were to actually run into Jeremy Crow in real life you would .. [Kidnap him and chain him up in my closet until he finally understands love]
[Kill his sorry ass so that he stops interfering with me and my true love] [Pee myself and find some place to get in the fetal position alone]
[God told me I don’t have to answer this one]

Can you actually get to Jeremy Crow in a reasonable amount of time? .. [Yes] [No] [If I’m horny]
[If he doesn’t stop talking to that bitch I want] [You’ll never know will you?] [God told me not to answer this one]

Now that you have completed the initial questionnaire, please send it in with a picture of your legs and/or the legs of the woman you pretend to be***. All qualified applicants will probably never be contacted so just start stalking at your own leisure, and the proper responses should be applied as time permits. Thank you for taking the time to stalk Jeremy Crow and have a nice day.

* Stalking abilities are assessed on a per stalker basis. Ability to spin a good story is preferable, but not completely necessary to apply.

** Actual hotness, will vary the amount of true agony imposed, and could lead to the stalking being in some circumstances pleasurable. We make no guarantees that Jeremy Crow will actually agonize over your stalking, or take you seriously in the least. We do not guarantee your pleasure in the event that you are not taken seriously.

*** Pictures of breasts may not be substituted for pictures of legs. They don’t fascinate Jeremy Crow in the least. Additional photos of your cleavage may be added for consideration if it follows the following criterion a) Your eyes are geared skyward in the “what every man truly wants” position b) all or part of your legs are showing, preferably in thigh highs.

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Jeremy Crow on Multiply {For Community Types} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

All writings Copyright © 2008