Sunday, June 8, 2008

Things You Learn When you Marry a Loser - Volume 2

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So I have been spending the morning trying to find my spine. I know I left it around here somewhere, but it always seems to escape me during times like these. My greatest weakness has always been my overly emotional nature, as most people know and despite my best attempts to be “the Troll under the bridge” decades of being beaten down through Yiddish guilt has made me an overly emotional character in my own cartoons. No humor, no glory, and above it all I seem to have a wanton need to have everything just flow by as easily as possible. On the other hand every cat I have ever owned has been a stray that gave me attention, and I never could stand seeing them alone in the world and inevitably bring them home and give them a name.

This characterization of self abuse is what leaves me tragically alone in this world. My relationships with the opposite sex have been inevitably flawed with the same thinking that has brought the stray cats home, and as time goes on the old cats that ran away after living in my house haunt me. The worst of them all of course is attached to me by blood, as she is the mother of my children after all. She’s actually quite pitiful, and she always has been, but she was a beautiful lost kitty that I swore I could fix, and now she is a lifetime of hell. This was the story I told myself and I have tried to stick with it for my own sanity, but the real problem is that she has a problem called Borderline Personality Disorder, and that kind of makes her the pantheon of fucked up. I guess more to the point, if she was actually diagnosed by a professional with BPD then she would officially be the pantheon of fucked up.

Needless to say I have had to deal with this monster {and sorry to any of the “grey are” people out there, she is a monster} for the last 5 years since I took the children away from her. Since Borderline people are the hardest to diagnose even by the best of professionals, I never really paid any mind to her multitude of issues, and just assumed that she is evil. Her inability to tell the truth, mixed in with her inability to remain faithful, with a smidgeon of her inability to take the blame for the things that she does would usually lead people to believe that she is just a rotten person. I hate to say this because I know that many people don’t accept disease or disorder to ever be the fault of the person involved, and in a lot of cases it isn’t. In this case it probably isn’t as well but understand when I tell you right now that she has to be regarded as an evil person {or the equivalent of} no matter what the feelings and emotions are.

Many people have come and gone assuming that I am a prick for isolating my children from their mother, and almost all of them have been her weekly boyfriends {always live in} who are still entranced by her pitiful woes, and it has been torture bearing the brunt of such hatred pointed at me constantly. The constant blows on my psychological well being by every willing accomplice that she has met in a bar and fallen in love with for a week or two, have gotten me to the point where I have to screen my phone calls and there always seems to be a steady flow of them. In the time we have been divorced she has had no fewer than 100 of them, and more often than not they end up being the very reasons that she is not allowed to be alone with her children. She went as far as to fight me in court when her oldest daughter was terrified of a child molester she was living with, and that was the straw that made the judge take all parental rights from her.

Again she is a monster, and she spends most of her life thinking up or creating crisis in her life to try to control those around her. My children finally came into my possession because she was homeless after my son burned their apartment complex down. To this day I still believe she did it, and I may sometimes say that he did but trust me I don’t believe it. The state of Maine {a wholly owned subsidiary of the Soviet Empire} spent a considerable amount of their welfare resources to make sure that I was poor, and they didn’t lose another welfare recipient. I may sound bitter but I could probably prove that welfare is the official Maine trade, and when you get past Portland, almost 80 percent of the people have no jobs. This creates a rather bad environment for those that have no intention of being useful to society, and Borderline or not, she knew where to go the second she had custody of the kids. They feed off of it up there. THESE are the types of things that you have to remember no matter what! People can call you bitter or heartless, but if you really love anyone you have to stay alert! You have to remember the guys that met you at the door with a bat, or a hockey stick when you drove 3 hours to go pick up your kids for the weekend! You can’t forget who you are dealing with regardless of what clinically might be wrong with her. I have spoken to plenty of psychologists that tell me most of the time there is no help for this ever, and usually it isn’t diagnosed because they are chameleons.

Now I spend most of my days trying to deal with the damage she has already caused. I have a boy that still gets upset when you bring up fire. During the custody process she beat it into his head that it was his fault that they didn’t live with Mommy anymore. I have a daughter that probably has survivor syndrome or some other issues caused from “waiting it out” until the new daddy gets introduced, and I have the youngest who often appears so devoid of conscience because of her own way of dealing with why she doesn’t have a mother. When I do get a phone call from the ex-wife it is almost always to play some sort of scam. She has yet to accept that she lost her kids because of her own behavior and uses the fact that she doesn’t have them as her crutch for everything else. You can’t set up visitation with her because no matter how you do it she will destroy it as fast as she possibly can, and the whole meat of the argument is that she will never succumb to any impositions beyond “unsupervised, where I want, doing what I want” and always has a new angle to get that. I have been strong for the last two years, and firmly allowed myself to be berated by God knows how many people on her behalf while I say NO. She can see them every Saturday, supervised by one of her family members I trust and cannot take them more than 10 miles away. She hasn’t seen them in 3 months.

She’s been calling daily for the last month. She needs to talk to me, and it is important, and for the most part I ignore the calls because I can’t play the game. I am not as emotionally stable as I may perceive, and for the sake of my children alone I have to be strong on this matter. The last time I had talked to her she had told me that she lost her other ovary and they finally determined that it was HPV that had caused the cancer throughout her pelvic region. Now I am human after all and my need to be kind was not all there. It was easy for me to accept that she had HPV since she quite frankly lived the life of a whore for years. We are after all talking about my feelings here, so I am not going to sugar coat it, but aside from that I stayed strong about the visitation. My life {thanks partly to this woman} sucks and I am not going to be spending all of my days driving an hour away and sitting there while she visits her kids. Reality is that I have had to make sacrifices for my children and she has made none. No child support, no care for their emotional well being, and so on and so forth. I have gone as far as to cover up the many layers of fucked up that she is, and always to my own detriment when the kids turn it around on me when she lies to them about anything. I did finally stop taking blame for why the kids can’t see her and they now ask HER why she doesn’t just come over and visit, thank God.

This week the calls have been changing. They have been coming from her family members. Some of them feel that she may be dying, but on the other side of that coin, they are the same people that she has been able to manipulate at will, regardless of how stable they can be at other times. I don’t want to talk to her and as I sit here I have still avoided the phone calls because no good ever comes of talking to her on the phone. Either we live in her tinsel world or we walk out of her tinsel world and often that involves me losing my temper when she reveals her tinsel world passport. Inevitably I end up feeling horrible because of my own behavior and then get so depressed that it ruins several days. Several days that I really don’t have to myself anyway because I am always a daddy first and my life will never be my own again.

The conundrum of all of this is that I truly am at my breaking point. I have been wishing for her death for years now and that DOES make me a bad person trying desperately to assimilate the easy way out, but there is only so much I can handle. I am terrified that she might actually be sick beyond repair and I will immediately be led into a life of slavery that is now shared between my kids, my grandmother, my father and last but not least my ex-wife who is regardless of what anyone says is a monster. She is not a sick person trying to get well. She is not the mother of my children. She is not someone in need of help. She is a monster that destroys everyone and everything that she comes in contact with, and the only real decision that will be made for me before I finally do decide to take any of this on, is that I will have to take care of my children to the best of my ability. I am just praying to God that this monster doesn’t finally find the way to take me with her and leave my children with nothing ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Jeremy Crow on Multiply {For Community Types} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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