Sunday, May 25, 2008

Things You Learn From Your Ex-Wife's Ex-Girlfriend - Volume 1

Want More Free Art? ...Visit the new angelis deZines on the web at

It was the early afternoon when I was forced to escape my own house. The insanity of what was turning into another hectic diatribe on my soul was wearing on me, and like a typical coward I bolted. Don’t get me wrong, I like roughly half of the kids in the house, and it would coincidentally coincide with the ones that will not be living here after tomorrow. The rigors of having a slumber party with both your son’s friend and you daughter’s friend at the same time can be summed up in on word, STUPID.

No matter how old your children are {in this case we will use a 7 year old girl and a 9 year old boy}, and how many oaths they take that kids of the opposite sex are “yucky” inevitably from the age of 2 on when you mix boys and girls together they undoubtedly will “show off” for each other. At the ages we used for this test experiment this involves getting louder and louder as the day goes on. I was nearly to the point of taking the two that the state of New Hampshire says I am allowed to beat, and cutting my losses at that. In the end I decided it was best to use it to my advantage. After all I like to show off to the girls too.

I used my patented 9 year old boy indoctrination device {an X-Box} and simply attached the two boys to the controllers. This works well as it quiets them down and glues them to a room far enough away from the living room that I am able to get Greektradgedius Inyiddish to listen for injuries while not completely driving her past the brink of insanity to which she currently lives. With that accomplished I am able to take the two girls {both equally as adorable even though Imtoocutus’s Indian friend hardly passes for one of my own} down town which I haven’t done in a while. While they play around on the fountains, and pass around sharp objects they find on the street or whatever else it is they do, I can partake of one of my long forgotten {but desperately missed} past times of skirt watching.

Now mind you, the weather is perfect this time of year for skirt watching. It’s just warm enough for the skirts to be rather short, and most of the ladies walking through downtown are taking advantage of having put their legs away for the winter. Sitting crossed legged on the bench, ice coffee in hand and gazing at the scenery as it saunters by is chicken soup for the soul, let me tell you. The evils’s creating chaos in front of me is the perfect cover for all of the perversion that my little mind can think up. Life is good right? Yeah well this is me we are talking about so I should have seen it coming a mile away as my ex-wife’s ex-girlfriend {try saying that really fast, it’s a tongue twister} comes walking over to share my bench with me. Realistically the only thing either of us have in common anymore is that we were both dumped by my near borderline ex-wife, but we have always gotten along rather amicably.

“So if God really is a man then she dumped you for a man and we can both wallow in our coffee properly,” I said to her as she was sitting down next to me. We must keep it in the proper perspective that this after all is the woman that my ex-wife left me for, so I do have certain inalienable rights to give her shit after all.

“No, I guess you still get the better of it. She left you for having the wrong equipment and she left me for not having good enough equipment,” she mused as she took a drink of her coffee. This of course was the woman after all who assured me that I had spoiled my ex-wife in the orally stimulated department and she had no other choice but to go lesbian which I never truly believed but would laugh about whenever I had the chance. I had always assured her that I was fine because it wasn’t like the ex-before her that always wanted newer and more exciting equipment, but simply wanted the equipment I wasn’t born with. In either way I found out too late on both of them.

Now since my ex’s ex lives in downtown I usually end up running into her when I am skirt drooling, and since we both have identical taste in women {a proven theory … oh God kill me!} she inevitably see’s me hanging out from her window and joins me. She had confided in me at one time that I was her first “male” crush but only because my ex had spoken so highly of me that it always made her a bit curious. How in the name of God did it get so confusing to be me, I will never know, but on this occasion she took an exaggeratedly long time convincing me that she had gotten over that. In either regards it had never really been a problem because this area has very attractive lesbians, and I have been friends and/or drunken fantasy of most of them. My advantage of logic had always dictated to me that that nightmare of waking up and looking at the woman laying next to you and screaming like a child in pain because of your drunken logic would be even worse if you were the one laying there with someone screaming over you. It has faithfully kept me out of drunken lesbian’s beds for the last 2 decades, and I felt it had applied to man crushes as well. She got a laugh out of that.

All in all any of the uncomfortable feelings that we might have had around each other were squashed the second she pointed out one of the women that was too young for either of us wearing a spandex mini and high heeled spaghetti straps. I think the only thing that we were missing was my ex and at the time her current skulking around pissed off because we tended to ignore her when we were in the pervert zone. In time it had become one of our better jokes, and as we were both sitting there perfectly single and without an un-amused audience of significant others we were forced to remember out loud some of our favorite lectures that we had gotten from our ex. In the end I am sure that we both got the better out of the whole deal, because I wouldn’t wish my manic ex wife on anyone, and the more I think about it, her ex-girlfriend is too cool for her anyway ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Jeremy Crow on Multiply {For Community Types} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

All writings Copyright © 2008