Sunday, April 20, 2008

Things You Learn From The Nut Next Door - Volume 1

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Well it was starting to get rather boring around here without the Troll Woman next door coming over to complain about something, but fortunately spring is here, and that means all kinds of things to piss her off. This of course is the same neighbor that had erected a stockade fence with all of the posts facing my yard, so one cannot expect her to be rational about anything. I took great delight in calling the town after she told me “I paid for the fence, so I’m not looking at the ugly side!” The silence had been in place since then, {after the town called her and told her that it was to be fixed do to “poor neighbor” regulations} but she stood on my doorstep two days ago telling me that I had to pay for her lawn crew to come and get the leaves that had blown into her yard after my lawn crew had cleaned up mine. I was still a bit bitter over all of my flower beds getting trampled by her fence crew erecting it the wrong way, and having to stand on MY side of the fence to do it!

Needless to say, I politely offered to go and get the leaves off of her lawn {all 15 or so of them} and she told me that I wasn’t allowed on her property. I went about it with her as politely as I could for about 15 minutes and then finally told her to shove it. The town clerk called me yesterday to ask if she was serious over her phone call to them about the leaves. “That woman is insane, does she come over and give you a hard time a lot?” the woman on the other phone asked me, to which I had to reply honestly that she was a lunatic. Since the town clerk had been a family friend for at least 3 generations I took her on a stroll down memory lane, and reminded her that that house was possessed by demons or something.

I remember the last two “families” {for lack of a better word} that lived in that house and the “Troll Woman” is simply infested with the same demon or whatever that the last owners had been possessed by. The last owners lived there for most of my life, and the wife {The one that used to stand out back and howl} was so certifiably insane that when her son ran off and became a Mooney, we simply thought it was a step up! The husband who used to stand at the fence shooting at imaginary animals in the woods finally killed himself {and it was quite a mess I heard} partly because he was insane, and partly because you would have too if you had his wife! I remember after his funeral my grandfather coming home and saying “I was hoping he would hang on longer than the last owner!” and these were the gentle reminders that I was giving the town clerk over the phone, who was living on the other side of the house at the time.

The Troll Woman had her husband sent away to a home, and I am sure that he is happier than a pig in shit being there. She doesn’t visit him, and it’s probably because her son {the one who used to chase the cats with the lawn mower} wants to keep his inheritance and the way Troll Woman is going her husband may outlive her. Best to stay on his good side, I would assume. He probably never would have had to go away if she hadn’t have driven him to it actually. I used to be their lawn man, and would go over and do their yard twice a week, and the leaves in the fall. When she finally started going visually insane she would give him hell for it, and finally made him do it himself. Considering the man had use of only half his body {from the stroke he had had years before} he didn’t do too bad really, but after a few weeks though she used to scream at him all day to go do the lawn, until he was out there every day mowing the dirt because she forced him to kill the grass. It was after she had finally driven him to sun poisoning that they took him away to the home 2 years ago.

Now trust me, I am not one to think that all women drive men to their grave {just most of them} but that was a glaring example every day out my window. At least the poor bastard got out of there before they found him in a state to make the town ambulance drivers quit, like the last owner, but I am still hoping for equal opportunity demons before the Troll Woman threatens to outlive ME! Greektradgedius is all in a tither because she thinks that the Troll Woman will do something strange to the dogs, even though I assured her that my jubilation over dead terriers will keep her from ever thinking of it. Beside the fact that her cat spends most of its free time over here in this yard, and I am an expert with a pellet gun. Hatfields and McCoys New England style let me tell you.

This coincides with the other phone call I received yesterday from The Mother of All the Evils’s telling me why she hasn’t been around to see them for a few months. Despite my trying to shush her up by pointing out to her that it was simply normal behavior for her she continued along. “I have cervical and ovarian cancer that is caused by late stage HPV. The drugs that the doctor has me on are making me sick all the time,” she started out before going into a long drawn out explanation of “I don’t know how it could have happened?” What the fuck am I supposed to say to this that wouldn’t come out along the lines of “are you really the only person north of Virginia that doesn’t know you are a whore?”

After her long drawn out lecture {in typical concerned mother who doesn’t visit her kids or pay child support fashion} about how I should have the girls put on the vaccine immediately, I assured her that Lazius Boycrazius had gotten the HPV vaccine and that Imtoocutus isn’t allowed to have sex yet. I think Lazius Boycrazius told her all of the things that I had been dying to say to her personally after I had gotten off the phone with her. She didn’t even bother to try any brainwashing and pity on Captain ADHD and simply hung up on her before she could. It’s usually the only reason she calls the house anyway, so I can call it a small victory with a life lesson tagged on to it. Lazius Boycrazius walked around the house without a care in the world afterwards which finally prompted me to ask her if her mother told her what her “problem” was. She said that she did, and then told me that she told her the reasons and a few more problems that she had and could actually work on while laying around. It was the fact that she started with “stop laying around” that must have set her mother off ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Jeremy Crow on Multiply {For Community Types} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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