Sunday, March 23, 2008

Superdaddyman Saves Easter - Part 2

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After a good hour of listening to the two special “ed” agents talking about themselves in the third person {what kind of weirdo would do that} the Superdaddyman was about ready to take one of the 80 plates that TO dropped and slice open his wrists. He did manage to catch a bag of peanuts that Lazius Boycrazius threw to him {to which Condi reminded everyone that it was unimportant} but there was no china left to throw, so Captain ADHD had gone out back to watch Imtoocutus continue to play the “Why” game with a screaming Roger Clemens. Of course this left TO sitting up front with the Superdaddyman and Condi adding how he has done everything “better” that they were trying to discuss. “Where are we going anyway?” the Superdaddyman asked finally when the evils’s were almost out of earshot.

After a TO explained how he “goings” better than anyone Condi said, “We are going to Oakland, and you shut the fuck up about how you Oakland better than anyone!” she waited for his indignation to end before she continued, “We have it on reliable sources that the Easter Bunny was last seen in Oakland, being chased by a bunch of rejects from a KISS concert.”

“Oh My God … Raiders Fans!” the Superdaddyman immediately exclaimed. “It’s common knowledge that Raiders fans are getting whinier every year without a decent team, and they must be getting desperate knowing that they may never have a good team again,” he then added thoughtfully, “But they aren’t usually considered that bright, are they operating on their own?”

“Well of course they are not working on their own,” she said looking around to make sure that nobody other than TO is listening. He doesn’t count because he only remembers if his name is used, so she continued, “We believe that the Big Penguin is involved. Not the runt boss that you faced off against last year, but the actual head of the diabolical Penguins,” she handed the Superdaddyman something that looked like a silver and black circus costume and said, “I know it’s going to be rough, but you’ll need to go under cover and bring down the Big Penguin once and for all.”

It could only take a mission like this to force the Superdaddyman into the garb of the dreaded Raiders Nitwit. Desperate times call for desperate measures though, and at least it wasn’t hard to get the Evils’s into their disguises once they found out that face paint was involved. “Why the hell am I bringing these morons along?” he ended up asking Condi after coming out of the bathroom dressed from head to toe in Raiders Twit gear looking every bit like King Diamond’s far gayer brother.

“We told You know who,” which is how they mentioned TO so not to get him interested in what they are saying, “that the Raiders want to pick up his contract for an extra 40 bucks a year, and he immediately started talking about ‘getting respect’ and couldn’t wait to go and talk to Al Davis about it,” she looked over to see TO out talking Imtoocutus who they had strapped to a chair with a seatbelt looking completely tortured. “It will be a great cover for you because those two could hold up in an office for days talking about each other.”

She didn’t go on, so the Superdaddyman finally asked her, “And what about Steroid Floyd back there? He couldn’t possibly have come along to help us think up strategy!”

“He gave the President and autographed uniform if he would let him go and do ‘secret stuff’ last year, and just happened to be at the White House when you were talking to the President,” she looked back where Roger had just crushed a beer can in the crack of his ass and then said, “He couldn’t possibly be any worse than you, could he?”

Walking through Oakland wearing their disguises, the Superdaddyman and the Evils’s didn’t exactly blend in, but it might have worked easier if they weren’t being followed around by a big redneck asking every wino and prostitute that they passed, what they were looking at. TO didn’t make it any better telling them all that he was a better wino and prostitute than all of them were. He may be right on the prostitute part, but his brief stint as a suicidal junkie didn’t exactly win an Oscar. His constantly asking where his cameras were at was driving the entire brood crazy, but before long they were all standing in front of the Oakland Coliseum. It was unusually quiet, even considering that football season is 5 months away the Superdaddyman had assumed that they would find at least a few dozen Raider’s fans laying around crying in their Colt 45.

TO immediately started yelling “I’m home!” which made the noise level raise quite a bit, as a gang of penguins and Raiders fans came strolling out demanding to know what they all were doing there. TO immediately started explaining how he does there better than any of them, and the Raiders fans immediately started lapping it up. “Listen to me, penguin man, I am here to talk to Al Davis about respect!”

The leader of the penguins whom Superdaddyman had witnessed Rudolf get all North Pole on his ass popped out of the crowd. Fortunately he didn’t recognize his nemesis Superdaddyman in his disguise, but penguins aren’t exactly known for their football knowledge either so he asked, “Who the hell are you?” to a tumult of expletives from the Raiders fans behind him for not recognizing TO, who is naturally one of their type of superstars. “Look the Big Guy says that he doesn’t want to be disturbed for nobody!”

This had gone on too long for Lazius Boycrazius who had obviously still remembered that these little bastards had stolen her socks and shoes, and still blames them for killing her cell phone battery erupts but in a rather cunning way, “How dare you disrespect TO!” she screamed as she rampaged into the penguins and started throwing them around everywhere. It was a brilliant trick as the Raiders fans standing behind the gang of penguins started grabbing them and throwing them against stairs as well. Captain ADHD saw the potential for massive chaos and went FLASH on all of them, making them all dizzy from the blur of awe inspiring ADHD chaos. Imtoocutus and the Superdaddyman used the chaos to run through the crowd and into the stadium. Well actually Superdaddyman ran in and Imtoocutus stayed under his feet as usual.

It appears that all of the penguins and Raiders Rejects were out front by this point being pummeled by Lazius Boycrazius, and in a daze from the whirling Captain ADHD. The Superdaddyman attempted to stealthily make his way up the stairs towards Al Davis’s office but failing miserably with a babbling Imtoocutus under his feet. At the end of the hall he sees the door that has “The Boss” written on it, and a Texas Drawl from behind him says, “Whoa, I love Springsteen!” and as it echoed down the hall he heard the locks clicking on the door.

Using his Superdaddybrain our hero looks behind him and spies out his hulking redneck associate standing there. His face in a kid like grin over the potential of meeting Springsteen, but the Superdaddyman comes up with a plan really quickly. “Springsteen is in there, but we came here because he said you pitch like a fairy, and your nuts fell off from all the roids.”

Faster than the drop of a pin the goofy smile disappeared and a red faced steroid crazed monster was standing there transforming into a roid rage like Mr. Hyde. His face contorted evilly and the veins on his neck started bulging out as he started screaming in a war chant and rocketed towards the door at the end of the hall. With the force of a rampaging bull that had just had its balls pinched he smashed down the door and landed with it in a huge THUMP! Superdaddyman stood there staring at the door with Clemens laying on top of it probably dead, but in his mind, “Killing two birds with one stone,” and then removed Imtoocutus from his leg {she’s bored yanno} so that he can make his own charge down the hall.

Entering the office just in the nick of time, the Superdaddyman can see Al Davis stepping out the window carrying a gagged and bound Easter Bunny into a helicopter. “You’re too late Superdaddyfool!” and as he sat there the helicopter hovered for a moment so that he could yell out, “You’ll never see this bunny again if I don’t get that Trophy your Patriots screwed me out of with that damn TUCK RULE!” and with that the helicopter started floating away.

Enraged by having to hear another Raiders fan whine about the damn “Tuck Rule” the Superdaddyman did the most heinous thing he could possibly think of! He grabbed Imtoocutus by the back of her pants and tossed her into the helicopter with him, and watched them all start to float away. It started floating off, 50 yards, 100 yards, 150 yards, 200 yards and then just stopped in mid air, and hovered there for a minute. Then it started coming back, 150 yards, 100 yards, 50 yards, until it was hovering at the window again.

With a loud yell of “Shut the FUCK UP, and get the FUCK OUT!” the helicopter pilot kicked all three of them back through the window. No sooner had Al Davis hit the floor with the Easter bunny and Imtoocutus hopping up and down on top of him the helicopter pilot was speeding away without them all.

Superdaddyman quickly untied the Easter Bunny and started exclaiming, “You only have a few hours left, you better get flying!” and without saying a word he started hopping out the door to freedom. He then applied the gag to Imtoocutus to get her to shut up for a second so that he could question the Big Penguin once and for all, but first had to say, “If your team sucks then blame yourself!” right at the moment that TO came walking in carrying a struggling Easter Bunny.

“Hey look what I caught!” he yelled out while carrying Lazius Boycrazius on his back trying to strangle him and shouting expletives at him.

The Superdaddyman turned around right at the point where Al Davis was about to say “And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling Evils’s!” and said, “Hey Roger, TO said that you pitch like a fairy, your nuts fell off from all the roids, and he did your nanny last night!” TO never saw it coming. ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Jeremy Crow on Multiply {For Community Types} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

All writings Copyright © 2008

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