Sunday, March 23, 2008

Superdaddyman Saves Easter - Part 1

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Cold and dreary was the night before Easter {and all through the Casa} but the moon was full and the Superdaddyman was sitting as his desk in the Superdaddycave deep in important research. As usual he was downloading large quantities of important research from alt.binaries.video.erotica.divx {for the articles of course} and wondering if this Easter would come and go without trouble. Ok realistically he didn’t expect the Easter Holiday to be without trouble but he at least hoped that his hiding place would hold long enough for him to get through it. That of course is for tomorrow.

He jumped to the window {pulled back the sash} and realized that it was the blazing red Superdaddyphone that had made him jump sky high {while pulling up his pants} and that phone hadn’t gone off for nearly 15 months. Knowing far too well that that phone only goes off in the direst of times and need, when nobody else can possibly be counted on to save the day, the Superdaddyman immediately attempted to compose himself. Lighting a cigarette and doing his breathing that the doctor taught him to use when the Evils’s were about to “get it” he grabbed the receiver and said “Hello?”

“Hey Es Dae this is Dubbya,” the voice on the other end started, but of course the Superdaddyman knew all too well who it had to be already, “We have another situation, that needs your immediate attention,” he finished off. “You see I was expectin’ the Easter Bunny to come over today to sit down and have a chat about the Easter egg hunt tomorrow, on the lawn and all,” which came the usual pause, “well yanno, it’s hard work,” he added before continuing, “Well he didn’t show, and I called Condi in to discuss strategy, and yanno how she gets …” which faded away as the Superdaddyman started dreaming of Condi showing up in a business skirt and playing out one of his Maniacal Dictator getting a spanking from the Secretary fantasies, “You done fanticizin’ so I can go on yet?”

After the Caped Pervader assured the President that he will stop him the next time his mind wanders he continued, “Ok so she was saying to me ‘Oh Gawd that means you’re going to call in that idiot again doesn’t it?’ and I remembered how you helped out with that whole Santa Claus thing,” which made Superdaddyman wonder if the president had been using some other idiot Superhero on the easy holidays, “So I have Air Force One on the way with Condi and a special operative that we are going to loan you, and she went home to get a ‘Hillary Clinton style’ pant suit before she left so don’t go there,” the President waited long enough to hear the Superdaddyman’s groan and then finished off by saying the usual, “It’s up to you Superdaddyman to save Easter, so you know what you are going to have to do,” and then waited for the bigger groan of acknowledgement before he hung up the receiver.

“Dammit, if it’s those Penguins again, I am going to sell their hides to the Laotians down the road,” exclaimed the Superdaddyman after he hung up the Superdaddyphone and then began the long march up the stairs from the Superdaddycave. Having to wake up the Evils’s early and try to convince them to use their powers to Evil in the hopes of saving mankind twice in the same decade has got to be written as a no no in the handbook. Using his superior mental skills he determined the best thing to do is to wake up the fiendish Imtoocutus first because it will make waking up all of the other ones a lot easier.

It didn’t take much as technically it should have been Easter morning when she woke up and the second the Superdaddyman touched her shoulder a sugar craven lunatic streaked out of the room like a lightning bolt screaming “CANDY CANDY CANDY! GET UP ITS EASTER! CANDY CANDY CANDY!” and within minutes two slightly larger burs started streaking around the entire Casa yelling “CANDY CANDY! MINE MINE! CANDY CANDY! MINE MINE!” which was to be expected but the terror didn’t start until the blurs stopped and became silent right at the bottom of the stairs staring up at the Superdaddyman, “Where’s the candy, and what did you tell the Easter bunny?”

Slightly afraid of the malice that was gleaning in their eyes the Superdaddyman very timidly said, “The Easter Bunny is missing and the President wants us to go find him,” followed by a weak smile.

It took almost a half an hour for Lazius Boycrazius to get off the phone with the union representative to see if they were even allowed to aid the Superdaddyman again. They had taken great heat from the Evils’s Union the last time that they had gone off on a mission of mercy, but had managed to convince the Union Steward {Lindsey Lohan} that it was in the best interests of the Union that they free the “Fat Man” as they had called him, and avoided the suspension, but they just aren’t taking the chances this time. It isn’t going to be any easier this time now that the Union has a new Steward {Amy Winehouse} who is very anti calorie. “She says that we can go, but you aren’t allowed to paste her head on skeletons and Ethiopians anymore and send it out to your Incredimail groups,” Lazius Boycrazius looked around in a sneaky manner and then added, “She probably thinks they make her look fat.”

As the Superdaddyman and the Evils’s jump out of the Superdaddyvan on the tarmac of the airport, Superdaddyman barely has time to shout “Look Out!” before the Evils’s knock Condi Rice over screaming up the stairs onto Air Force One. The sounds of expensive things being smashed and destroyed coming from the fuselage told them both immediately that the Evils’s had made themselves at home already. “So who is the secret operative that we are going with and what is the gameplan?” the Superdaddyman asked the Secretary of State as he groped … Um … Helped her up.

“The President used his privilege to ask a couple of his favorite athletes to come along to assist you,” Condi started which immediately had the Superdaddyman concerned. Any athlete from Texas is going to be full of themselves and incapable of working in a team environment, but two of them at the same time might cause outright discourse. “They prefer to be called Agent R and Agent REAL 81.”

“Oh cool so one of them is randy Moss!” the Superdaddyman exclaimed as he started walking up the stairs, but definitely noting the grunt that Condi gave, and it didn’t even appear to be from waving his hand away from her ass. “Oh Gawd it’s that other 81 isn’t it?” the Superdaddyman asked with a bit of a whine. Condi looked at him dolefully.

“Who here was talkin’ about Randy Moss?” came echoing from out of the plane, and the Superdaddyman stopped in his tracks the second he rounded the corner into the plane. There he was, sitting there with a pile of broken china all around him, Captain ADHD throwing a pile of it at him one plate at a time. CRASH! “Come on throw it to me kid,” Terrell Owens yelled at him and another plate went flying and slipped between his hands and hit the floor. “What’s your problem, I’m open, throw it here!” SMASH!

“He only drops them because they are important,” Condi said and then put her hands over her face, “Thank God he didn’t go to the Browns. It’s the only thing that’s gone right for me the last 6 years,” and then looked at the Superdaddyman and nodded along with him. “Ok you can touch my ass once but only because I’m sorry about the Terrell thing, but I’ll deny it if you ever tell anyone.”

After a good grope the Superdaddyman started walking down the aisle making note of everything the Evils’s had managed to destroy and catching Imtoocutus by the scruff of the neck lazily as she tried to screech by. “Oh crap, what the hell is Roger Clemens sticking in his ass in the back of the plane,” he asked Condi after seeing who he feared was Agent R’s humongous rear end protruding from behind a seat.

“The Republican policy is that it is a Vitamin B-12 shot, and stop being nosey and listening to all the liars that say otherwise,” she said back to him before noting his glazed over stare back at her, “Ok you can get another goose for that one,” … To Be Continued

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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