Sunday, February 17, 2008

Things You Learn From Watching TV - Volume 1

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I have to blame Bravo for my lack of creativity these days. It’s like a cancer that infests my system and makes it so that I can’t change the channel. It was an accident really that started a couple of years ago and implanted the seed of inevitability that happens to me now. I was up late, and there was nothing on television, and I came across a show called Project Runway. I didn’t realize that it was a show about fashion designing because at 11pm at night all I thought was it was a show about Heidi Klum walking around in a tight miniskirt with a pair of those stockings that end just above the knees and spiked heels. I think we can all see how a man’s mind works, especially right before he goes to bed, so we will leave that one alone for now.

The show Project Runway hooked me instantly though because it had everything that great entertainment requires. It had a competition {like football only without the shoulder pads}, it had hot looking women {with shoulder pads, come to think of it}, flaming over the top gay men, cattiness, backstabbing, drama, hot looking women {had to put that back in there before I was mistaken for gay}, and it compelled me to start picking favorites immediately. Actually that is the hook of the show, because they always seem to get you really personally involved with the person that is about to be booted off, for good or for bad. More importantly, unlike all of the other stupid reality shows, these are people that are actually doing things based on their actual talent. They are working towards accomplishing something other then cash for screwing over everyone else. In three seasons the best have won, and for the most part you knew it.

Now along the way this year came along and I had a hell of a lot more responsibilities with my father here, and my own physical issues that have left me doing things all day with the television on in the background. This was all part of Bravo’s hideous plot of “Operation Get the Crow” {OGC} to which no antidote exists. Now along with having to defend my manhood because I know more about fashion then I do about Hockey, I happen to know more about the Hotel business, Matchmaking Millionaires, redesigning household from the eyes of Gay men, cooking in NY elite restaurants, and yes to a lesser extent Supermodels. I will admit that I am not doing THAT bad because once I realize that “Make me a Supermodel” is on I can very easily switch to ESPN and recharge. That show is total shit.

Don’t get me wrong, I still get energized over the newest episode of Project Runway {trust me it is a great show} and adore Queer Eye for the Strait Guy {those guys are hard not to love} but the rest of them are total accidents most of the time. Watching “The Millionaire Matchmaker” has taught me that either a lot of stereotypes about rich people are amazingly true, or they need to edit the damn show better. You get a nearly equal split of what Millionaires they have on their but they still fall under two categories. Vapid, spoiled and completely without soul, or stuffy, hallow, and completely without charm. Then you watch them all go through a buffet table of Barbi dolls, for the most part ignoring the women that they said they wanted, and then end up disappointed or disillusioned. Even by glorious train wreck standards, it isn’t good television, but I still hear it in the background.

What’s worse is that they have those marathons of entire seasons of the shows. I have now seen all of the Project Runway’s about 45 times each, and I can’t stop watching them. It’s good because I have been able to catch up on all of the Queer Eye’s {late to the party I know} and I even found that I liked the Parker House one there, but fortunately have only seen it once through. I am concerned that I may end up accidentally getting “used to” Make me a Supermodel which even when I have tried to sit through it appears to be nothing more than a watered down bisexual orgy with idiots. I am sure that it would be ok if I downloaded it from Usenet, but as it takes out all of the sex, and simply leaves the dialogue, I think it speaks for itself. I mean it would be like all of the parts from an old VHS porn movie that aren’t worn away from pausing and constant fast forward and rewind because NOBODY WATCHES IT!

My concern now focuses on the “Real Housewives of New York City” that is upcoming, and will probably be interjected into the mix when I least expect it. “The Real Housewives of Orange County” was their last foray into the twisted and vapid, that they had on last season. I can honestly say that I was able to change the channel on that one and totally drown it out if I had forgotten to mainly because it was that bad. It was also foreign to me because it was West Coast twisted and vapid, and about as realistic to me as an old 90210 episode. The new one being East Coast twisted and vapid might actually resonate with me, like listening to the world according to me junkie mother, or an ex wife, or God help me, most of the women I work with. In other words “fingernails on a blackboard” and who knows if my television can stand getting knocked over every time I run to change the channel ;8o)

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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