Friday, January 25, 2008

Let's Talk About Sex Baby - Volume 7

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Well my father decided to take a nap today which gave me about an hour of free time before the kids arrived home. Multi tasking single fathers need to use their time as efficiently as possible, so I saw this as an opportunity to get some important things accomplished. Once I heard the snorting grunt of a snore that said my free time was set in stone, I opened up News Rover and started looking through Usenet groups to see what pornography looked intriguing, and I was elated to see that one of my favorite perverts had uploaded a massive pile of MILF videos, so I started gathering as fast as my little clicker fingers could go. I like the MILF videos as I am starting to reach their age anyway, and why not just keep your fantasy a bit more realistic?

Ok well I managed to get a really good one with an old favorite of mine named Nina Hartley, and she appears to be getting better with age, but that is neither here nor there. You see me and Nina go way back, because she happened to be the star of the very first porno movie I have ever owned myself. Not the ones that you steal from your dad, or one of the many step fathers that you have had trying to get on your good side, but she actually starred in the first Video I ever owned outright without having to answer embarrassing questions about what I was doing with it, or someone missing it. That movie could have ruined sex for me all together if it hadn’t been so ludicrous to begin with, but it gave me a rather jaded view of what the real world was like. It was called “Debbie Does Dishes” and the name of the movie alone couldn’t even start to describe the stupidity that was put into it.

Now don’t get me wrong, Nina Hartley was hot when she was young, and Rachael Whatsername who was in the movie with her wasn’t all that bad. At least she wore black stockings in it and we all know that in my mind that can salvage any porno movie, but it was a comedy more than it was a porno. I could tell that when my best friend {a lesbian} had bought the movie for me as my twentieth birthday present. I took the thing home and fired it up to see the ever going battle of young Debbie {as in does Dallas, does Vegas, did a few other places but I can’t remember them all} moves into her new house {haunted by a creature called Big Dick} with her new husband {Played by Whatshisname like all porno movies to a guy} and has to do the dishes for the first time. Her friend Rachel Whatsername {with the stockings} comes to visit her and complain about her being domesticated. Apparently they were both rich brats, but I hadn’t seen the Academy Award winning prequels to this movie. Then of course they end up having sex with the Cable Guy {when he comes to install the cable} the Electrician {when he comes to fix the dishwasher} the Avon Guy {yeah in a porno movie Avon is sold by a man} and of course later on by Big Dick!

Now some of the most hilarious moments I have carried with me through my life, came from this movie. I have a stable of one liners that usually only my Looney-Leftie-Lesbian best friend {of over 20 years wow} and I get laughing fits over. The best was when she was trying to clean the dishes lazily and the Electrician who had just gotten done romping her best friend n the living room comes in and asks her for a beer. She looks at him and says “It’s ok not to drink” and he asks her to repeat herself, and she does. He then goes into this tirade saying “Where da fuck you from baby da fuckin’ AA? It’s ok to drink to baby!” and the mere mention of that line will send Lizzie into hysterical laughter. The guy in question was the stereotypical “non threatening” black dude that they used in all the porno movies back in the 80’s because he was smaller {if you know what I mean} than most of the white guys watching the movies, but his name escapes me too. Go figure. Debbie {consequently the same name of my ex wife who had more men then Nina just as an aside so I often get them confused when talking about porn} in the end finally has sex with the neighbor who does the dishes for her, and all is right with the world.

Now of course I am already pretty peculiar as I am watching a woman much older than me having sex with a man much younger than me on my computer, and having fond memories of when I was half the age I am now watching her trying to do dishes. I was probably saved by the fact that I heard the garage door opening, which means that my grandmother is going to be tromping through my office any time now and on her way to her section of the house. This means that I am going to have to put my pants on and get back to the mundane art of writing something and feeling smart. Instead I sat {after putting my pants on … instincts yanno} and mixing my porn and my leanings. This is a dangerous idea for anyone who has their entire wits about them much less someone like me that could use a few more wits on his best day. Now I was reminiscing about all of my Nina Hartley data I have accumulated over the years and the conversations I had been having recently about Heath Ledger, and it came out something like this.

Now I hate to sound like a hate monger but some guy on the local radio station had Heath Ledger on the death pool, and most of the people that know me, know that I had wondered about him for some time. Call it a hunch, but I had a hard time swallowing that he didn’t kill himself recently, but in any regards I will miss him as an actor because he was a genius. I tend to psychoanalyze everything and write a lot of boring things about genius’s that end up being beneath normal in other avenues, and I saw something. It doesn’t relate to this story so I won’t continue, but after reading some of the people who were talking about privacy, and decency and other things, I had some opinions about it. Mostly because he was a famous celebrity and wasn’t entitled to privacy, and because he had said things that had made me question his decency in regards to others. Most of the feedback that I had gotten was along the lines of “You don’t know,” and “How do you think his parents feel?” which is usually the fall back for any argument about death or bad behavior. Again if I were to assume, I would say that his parents feel like shit, but I doubt they didn’t understand full well that he was famous and gets no privacy. It would be logic to assume that a majority of parents of famous people know this because, at this point in history, there have been too many famous people to NOT know these things anymore.

The world always comes down to sex, death and opinions. I accidentally merged these things and it came out like this. I vividly remembered an interview with Nina Hartley’s husband {Whatshisname} and he was asked why he let his wife do porno. Let’s keep in mind that she didn’t just do porno but she did LOTS of porno and is still doing porno well into her later years. He responded with a very humorous and for some strange reason, disturbing {to me now} answer to the question that went something along the lines of, “We did it for the benefit of our children, and I can’t satisfy her sexual needs, so I let others do it,” but that is a very loose interpretation of it. Flipping this question into the harmonious with the other issue I started mulling over how her parents must feel about this? I’m sure that it is none of my business, but I started then wondering about the “benefit of the children” and how they are going to feel when they find out about their mom. You know some kid searching the internet for porn some day is going to say “Hey John, I just found a bunch of films with your mom in em!” I wonder how their parents are going to feel about that? Would I be assuming that they wouldn’t give a shit, or do they get a mulligan on this? It’s none of my business, and I shouldn’t take anything from the mental mumblings of my brain I assume.

I wondered of course at this point {having at least 600gigs of porn sorted and edited like an anal retentive old lady saving collectors plates on their walls} how that behavior relates to me. The mental battle ensued in my own head, because I have my own excuses for having it all. I’m not married, I never had a collection when I was, I am after all a hostage to a bunch of lunatic children and can’t exactly “date”, I keep it from all of their prying eyes, etc etc etc. Even as I am writing this I am acknowledging that I have no pride, but would of course be a bit embarrassed if my kids were to stumble upon it all. I unfortunately have to deal with the fact that their mother is a walking porn movie, and unfortunately has done nothing to keep it from her kids. The oldest finds her sickening and it has never been encouraged by me, but her inability to be responsible is the reason. The oldest has hypothesized that it is because her mother is incapable of maintaining the same relationship for more than two weeks, or maintain a job while trying to accumulate her relationships. It’s adult issues that should really be taken care of by adults, and not hypothesized by a teenage girl, but then again illness {better known as disease, dis – ease, not at ease} needs to be worked on at some point. Ignorance is never a solution to anything, and often is the destructive factor number 1. I should know as I ignored my ex wife’s infidelity to the point that I had three children with an adulteress instead of just 1, and issues to deal with that are “Adult” with people that are not. I ignored this when my mother did it to my father, and my father did it as well. Scary to see how this brain gets from point A to point B isn’t it? I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but the kids and my dad are all upstairs watching a movie so I have time to go searching through Usenet again ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of J~ Crow}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

All writings Copyright © 2008

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