Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2007: #3


Along the way the mean FedEx Drivery fool, finds reason to believe that the Evils’s can still Yule. So again he amasses the fiendish FedEx Drivery Trick, “I’ll rob the UPS driver and steal all of those presents, now wouldn’t THAT be slick!”

And through the window FedEx Driver saw the great tree, he broke in the door when he heard a small buzz like a bee. He turned around fast, and he saw a small Evils’s! Little Imtoocutus, who was a lot more than two.

The FedEx Driver had been caught by this tiny Evils’s daughter who'd got out of bed to break her brother’s toys before he could get them. She stared at the FedEx Driver and said, "WHY?" and then followed it with an ear piercing trail of words that is rarely distinguishable to anyone anyway.

But, you know, that old FedEx Driver was so smart and so slick He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! "Will you SHUT UP," the FedEx Driver cried, "You’re going to wake everyone up!" but that didn’t stop her a bit for it never does, "Please be quiet and I’ll give you THIS" came out next as he held out a box of candy he stole from another house.

And his ill gotten candy shut the Evils’s up. Then he patted her head and he got her a drink and he sent her to bed. And when Imtoocutus went to bed with her cup, HE back to the tree and then blew the thing up!

But as we know already the FedEx driver is a dolt. He knows not what happens when you wake an Imtoocutus up! All the same he went back to his truck to crack open another beer, started driving down the street, and from behind him he hears, “Where we goin? How we getting there? Are we there yet?” Followed by about 1000 other questions. Imtoocutus was right behind him, and he still didn’t learn his lesson!

Leaving Imtoocutus on the side of the road had been too easy! It was quarter past dawn... All the Evils’s, still a-bed, All the OTHER Evils’s, still a-snooze When he cracked open a package of cheese snaps he stole the words rang out loud and clear, “Can I have one? Are those good? Where did you get those? For the simpleton FedEx Driver still had his stow away near!

Three thousand feet further, his stow away gets thrown out, he rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it! "I hope I finally lost that twit!" he was FedEx Driver-ish-ly humming. "They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming! They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do! Their mouths will hang open a minute or two and as for Imtoocutus, just say BooHoo!"

"BooHoo?” the FedEx driver heard from Imtoocutus’s mouth, "Where we going? Who are you? Why we driving away from my house?" The reaction of abstract from the FedEx Drivers almost made him crash the smelly old truck. “Hey can you stop here? Oh stop and buy me one of those? Can you take me there next?” Kept trailing out this night is starting to suck!

The FedEx Driver spun round and headed back to the house. “I am going to break that door down again and tie you to the couch!” The plan was being ruined and worse should he hear, the sound from the house was happy! It wasn’t the sound of sad that the FedEx Driver had hoped for at all. In the doorway stood a man, not to short, not too tall!

“I found all your gifts as I was driving down the road, I picked them all up and brought them to you for it was on the way,” came from the door. The moan of the FedEx Driver was drowned out by the whining and non stop babble of Imtoocutus sitting behind him.

Every Evils’s over in Evils’s-Ville, the tall and the small, Was singing! Since the got their presents and all! He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME! Now he is stuck with a ranting Evils’s Dame!!!

And the FedEx Driver, with his FedEx Driver-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling: "Where we going next? Why are you standing in the snow? Is it cold?" He threw Imtoocutus towards the door and he ran to his truck, slammed the door behind him and sped off for luck!

And what happened then...? Well...in Evils’s-Ville they say that the FedEx Driver's small dick shrank three sizes smaller from standing in the snow! And the minute his ugly FedEx Pants didn't feel quite so tight, He whizzed with his truck through the bright morning light screaming “Fuck you Evils’s I’ll get you next year!”

Behind him came the little nagging voice, “You know you should swear? Why do you have such a potty mouth? Don’t you know any better?”

You're a monster, from FedEx. Your head’s an empty hole.

Your shoes are full of tacks, you're a brainless blood fart.

Mr. FedEx Driver.

Oh and now you expect US to come pick up Imtoocutus … RIGHT ;8o)