Saturday, December 22, 2007

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2007: #4


Every Evil’s over in Evil’s-ville liked Christmas a lot... But the FedEx Driver, who lived just north of Evils’s-Ville, did NOT!

The FedEx Driver hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be that his back hurt from carrying the crap. It could be, perhaps, that his extra work interferes with his nap. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his dick was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, the crap or lack of nap, He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Evils’s, staring up from his truck with a yawn, FedEx Drivery frown at the warm lighted windows across the snow covered lawn. For he knew all the Evils’s down in Evils’s-Ville over there was busy now, running around like lunatics because they had not a care.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer, "Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!" Then he growled, with his FedEx Driver fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!" For, tomorrow, he knew... all the Evils’s in there would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their stuff! And then! Oh, that Crow! That Jeremy Crow! Crow! Crow! Yanno! That's one thing he hated! The Superdaddyman! The Caped Pervader! And especially Jeremy Crow! Then the Evils’s, young and old, would sit down to a feast. And they'd burp! And they'd slurp! And they'd Burpin! Slurpin! Droolin! Yulin!

They would feast on Evils’s-candy, and rare Evils’s-roast beast which was something the FedEx Driver couldn't stand in the least! And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all! Every Evils’s down in Evils’s-Ville, the tall and the small, would start fighting together, with Greektradgedius yelling. They'd grab each other by the throat, and the Evils’s would start bitching!

I didn’t get what I wanted! And they'd Cry, Whine, and Bitch! And the more the FedEx Driver thought of this Evils’s-Christmas-Bitch, The more the FedEx Driver thought, "I must stop this whole thing!" "Why, for fifteen years I've put up with it now!" "I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! ...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea! THE FEDEX DRIVER GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" The FedEx Driver laughed in his throat. And he made a quick dash to his truck. And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great FedEx Drivery trick! "I have all their gifts in here, and I don’t give a SHIT!"

"All I need is an excuse..." The FedEx Driver looked around. “I’ll say I delivered the gifts, when nobody was home! They can’t do a thing because nobody intelligent will answer the phone!”

"If they catch on to my ploy, I will tell them I’m off to find them, and leave the gifts in the middle of nowhere hooked to the door of an abandoned cabin!” THEN He loaded some bags and some old empty smelly socks hoisted all of the Evils’s gifts on his rickety old FedEx truck. Then the FedEx Driver said, "Crap I better stop and get beer!" and he drove away quick as he could to a different town, but still near.

All the roads were quite fine, as the plow trucks had been through. “I’ll still put down in the log that a snow storm had blew!” All the Evils’s were all dreaming sweet dreams without care when the FedEx Driver was throwing their gifts out the window, why should he care. "There’s the house they are supposed to be at," the old FedEx Drivery Claus hissed and he climbed to the drive, unzipped his trousers and on their snow covered lawn he then pissed. “That’s about all you little bastards deserve!” as his zipper then pinched. He drew grumpy faces in piss, and crossed that bit off his list! Why do they get off the naughty list? Santa’s head must be wood! But, if Santa won’t do it, then FedEx Driver could. He got stuck in his zipper only once, for a moment or two. It was probably all that beer he was drinking along the way "I should go piss on their porch after a belt more or two!"

Then he slithered and slunk, back to his big smelly truck. He drove down the road again, and he should have gotten stuck. He knocked over mailboxes, but tore out of sight, he threw the last of the packages out the window as he escaped into the night!

Then he slunk to the computer. He entered his data! Delivered at 5:08! Those idiots will never know, and they can’t get an answer! Our switchboard employs the best lingual dancers! He pulled out the DVD player he saved for him self, and loaded porno movies he had stolen as well. You should feel sorry for whoever plans to eat at this table in the break room next! For they are in for a really nasty surprise left behind …

You're a mean one, from FedEx. You really are an ass!

You're as dependable as a crack whore! You're as useful as a sinking wharf. Mr. FedEx Driver.

You're a bad Disney Movie, missing a couple of Dwarfs! … To be continued …