Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Jeremy Crow Christmas Countdown 2007: #6


It was a bitterly cold night, as the snow flew about the skies over Megalopolis, and apparently every last old soul with no place in particular to go, was about the roads. The Superdaddymobile was trodding down the road at the mind boggling speed of 20 miles per hour with one vehicle in front of him, and he had lost count of all the vehicles behind him. Nay it is another, un-fun night ahead as everyone’s favorite super villain turned super hero, the man with no plan, the one and only Caped Pervader is again left alone in the evil empire of the dreaded Pink Mafia, as he has been all week. As he will be for the rest of the week and all of the next as well, for he had used up all of his precious Paid Time Off {PTO} fighting evil in a far off hell hole known as Florida a few months back. The forced servitude of being the only one incapable of taking the holidays off, makes the Pink Mafia {parts unknown} happy for they all can take this time off themselves while knowing that the capable hands of the Superdaddyman is manning the PMHQ.

His hand hit the hand scanner to punch in mere seconds before the time clock changed over to 6:01, and a true tragedy was nearly averted. The last thing that the Superdaddyman would wish for would be a conversation with the evil fiend known as “The Human Resources Director” {BITCH} to round off what has been an already unimaginably rotten year. Of course as always the BITCH has had much to do with the various rotten moods that the Superdaddyman has been involved with, but she doesn’t factor into this tale {thanks to timely punch ins} and this tale shifts to the inevitable. The 42 degree warehouse that the Superdaddyman has been working in is starting to effect his brain, as he drives the other Superdaddymobile {fork truck} a lot slower this week as he has realized that the breeze makes his nose hurt. With nobody else around to bother … um … I mean “assist” it isn’t even worth it for the Superdaddyman to do his favorite holiday time activities {walking around behind people all night screaming … um … singing … Christmas Carols at the top of his lungs and bungling the words} and it is far less than Ho Ho Ho and Mistletoe at PMHQ. The Superdaddyman finally spies the top secret information posted to the wall in the Superdaddycave West {janitor’s closet} and proceeds to read and translate the instructions as they are listed by one of the Pink Mafia Capo di Frootie Tooties.

1. Clean the bathrooms, break room, and upstairs offices. The keys are in the top drawer of your desk, and keep in mind that we have video cameras up there to watch you. {Translation – Hose down the porcelain-throned conference areas, pick out the food you want in the refrigerator, and throw out the rest in the name of “cleanliness”, read all the employee reviews and important documents [with the doors closed because the idiots put cameras in the hallways] and make copies of all the keys on your way to work tomorrow} … CHECK!

2. Clean across the street, and make sure that you mop the stairs, so that all of the salt is gone. {Translation – See above but add “steal candy” … hose down the stairs and turn up the heat so it evaporates by morning. Most of the women up there are going through menopause, so they will never notice anyway} … CHECK!

3. Move all of the Guardian from warehouse 1 to warehouse 2 and update the computer to reflect the changes for the year end audit. {Translation – Change all the gas cans on the trucks because we burned off all the gas in them during the day driving back and forth to the break room between compelling matches of computer solitaire. While you are at it move the product we didn’t because we never quite could get the hang of Spider with two suits and didn’t have time. Mess up all of the roll counts because they have been to lazy to fix your computer log in and force you to use other people’s passwords [while you are at it visit AdultBouncer.Com … what the hell] and probably never will} … CHECK!

4. Shovel out the back walkway and clear paths to the gas cans, and the clearing to the drive in flat bed areas. {Translation – Go piss in the snow and see if it melts enough to mimic “shoveling” because shoveling is against the work restrictions that keep you from getting a good job} … CHECK!
5. Keep an eye on the batch tanks and make sure that the heats don’t get to high. {Translation – Damn I used all my piss on the walkway, but they shouldn’t spit out too much oil in the morning being only 140 degrees too hot} … CHECK!

6. I took the day crew out to lunch for Christmas, sorry you were asleep. Have a Good Holiday! {Translation – Ha Ha we fucked you again. [Fortunately the Superdaddyman ate most of the candy that you handed out to everyone at the party] … Insert typical holiday well wish pabulum here ... Who says holiday joy isn’t happening already?}

Upon completing the top secret missions throughout the PMHQ the Superdaddyman finds the Superdaddymobile completely plowed in out in the parking lot, with 3 foot plow piles on every side of it. After a long conversation with himself that boiled down to “I knew I wasted my piss” he was forced to spend the rest of his night shoveling out around his vehicle in the parking lot and throwing ice balls at the new diabolical foe {the plow truck driver} the whole time. The best part of it all is that the Superdaddyman {being both diabolical, and righteous wrapped in such an adorable little … ok … mid sized package} spent the last hour doing all this ON THE CLOCK! It would have been a great tragedy had the Superdaddyman not thought of going outside and checking these things a few hours before it was time to leave. Could you imagine the horror of having to spend 8 hours in the 42 degree warehouse just to have to spend an hour out in the 18 degree snow afterwards? Yeah they really showed the Superdaddyman by forcing him to work all alone over the holidays, when he could be back at the Superdaddycave dealing with spoiled rotten holiday evils’s {insert the rolling on the floor laughing smiley here!} ;8o)