Saturday, July 7, 2007

Wild Animal Training For Dummies - Volume 1

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Well this was the first of my first two days off in a row in almost a month which of course forced me to deal with 3 evils’s that have had nothing but an old woman with no patience to deal with them pretty much the whole time. The secret to wild animal training of this magnitude is to start from square one and employ some old methodology that we haven’t had to go to for a few years here at least. I took them to my favorite obedience school for these types of situations {Chuck E Cheeses} and initiated “Charm School 101” upon their wicked little asses. For those of you that don’t understand how “Charm School 101” works and why Chuck E Cheeses is the best place to execute it then, shame on you! I have explained it a million times at least but alas, I will do it again for all of those that haven’t kept up.

It works like this, as the 3 phases of treatment are applied to the mindless lunatics that are the evils’s starts from the moment they wake up. First I attempt to make them clean up their filthy caves that some people would call bedrooms but after several weeks of not having me around to beat on them have become the places where the government test the bombs. First we try asking politely, followed by nagging, then begging, then yelling, then by telling them that we may go to Chuck E Cheeses if the rooms get clean. Immediately these swirling, screaming devices of daddy-insanity start using their Tasmanian Devil Like abilities to start ripping through the many layers of debris. Progress on the rooms went from “standing on all sides of me screaming into my ears” to becoming thunderous roars from their own spaces and NOT MINE.

A couple of hours later {and my own sanity being ruptured by having to check to see if the rooms are clean yet while they pretend to not see the piles of trash in the middle of the floors} the rooms are spotless and inhabitable. Phase two and three are actually the same phase but achieve different purposes if executed properly {and those of you with less than adequate parenting skills take notes as a really bad parent shows you how it is done} but still concurrent. Now we shall take the rude little unappreciative wild animals that the old lady has taught to just act up until they get their way and take them into Chuck E Cheeses. For a small fee of 48$ {Large Meat Lovers Pizza, 4 large drinks, unlimited salad bar for my fat ass, 100 games tokens} we were treated to 3 whole hours of schooling disguised as entertainment. It’s all about following “the plan” from here.

Upon purchasing the goods and finding a booth in the room with the big video screens, I sat down with phylum “Lazius Boycrazius” and proceeded to watch the show. She is at the level now where she is a wild animal trainer in training while still having wild animal tendencies. The first howl came from the little one, phylum Imtoocutus who had started with “Gimme a token!” and the correct procedure is to pretend she doesn’t exist. Upon trying some other methods, “I need a token,” and “Can I have a token cup?” she finally tried, “Can I have a token please?” I placed 1 {one} token into her greedy little hand and she went running off {phase 3 “wearing them down” so they will crash hard later} and this made the middle on, phylum Ididntdoitus to try this plan of attack, “Can I have a token please?” and off he went like a bolt of lightning. The only thing faster than one of these animals with a token is one of these animals coming back for a token. Did I mention that we were sitting at the farthest point from the games?

This is how the next half hour went while waiting for the pizza with the two little animals, while I and Lazius Boycrazius watched the shows. You should have seen the two of us laughing at Veggie Tales like stoned college students actually. We also saw this one new show called “Monkey Ninjas” which had to be one of the funniest things I had ever seen, right about the time that the pizza showed up. This is where we feed the animals, and the trick is to make sure that they both eat at least one whole slice of pizza before they are allowed to have back at the games. In some parts of the world they call that blackmail, but on this part of the world it is simply the only time that these two twits will actually eat in a reasonable amount of time and with little screaming. Proceed to ignore everything that comes out of them until they are finished with their pizza and they will actually get the point. The boy is at the age now where pizza is actually almost as important as the games and will have a second slice.

Upon finishing the food the two little ones are off again like lightning with their 1 {one} token. It is still important to regulate the tokens in this manner as it teaches them manners, and moderation. There will be points where it will seem like too much of a pain in the ass to come running back and they will go play on the tubes and other structures, but it also keeps you in constant touch with them as well. At the end of the cup of tokens is when Lazius Boycrazius and I start playing games ourselves. I found this really cool interactive ping pong game where you control the game with an actual ping pong paddle, but still prefer the ATV, and Jet Ski games. Chuck E Cheese happens to be a great place for the bigger kids like um … me as well, but the most important thing is that by the end of it all I have the kids so well trained that they go to the counter with their own tickets and purchase their own gifts with courtesy. Then we can actually walk completely by the ice cream machine without them saying a word but when I say “Would you guys like Ice Creams?” they all say “Yes Please” without even having to look at them funny any more.

The whole night including Ice Creams and the toys they brought home {with their games tickets} cost me 51$ but from the time we left to the time we got home was 3.5 hours which basically made it 12.75 per person but included dinner, toys, desert, 3.5 hours {which in single father speak is an eternity when you think that the 9$ each movie is usually only 1.5 or 3.64 per hour as apposed to 6} and a total redirection in their manners and attitude, which could have taken forever without extreme measures under the circumstances. Here’s a bright spot for me as I am about to finish writing this so I can go and check out that Monkey Ninjas website. Yeah I may be just as easily amused but life doesn’t have to always be complicated ;8o)

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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