Friday, May 4, 2007

Musical Methadone & Mental Masterbation - Volume 25

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It is day two of the time without clouds as the sun brightly shines down on the headquarters of the vile and abusive Pink Mafia {PMHQ} leaving all to suffer through the last day of evil doings for another week while everyone seems to have a pretty raging case of the 70 degree Flu. This is one of those non fatal diseases that often plague this region of Megalopolis due to rapid climate change that tends to happen between the months of April and May and forces the PMHQ to be on skeleton crew at best. The dreaded 70 degree flu also seems to only hit on Fridays as Mondays it is usually a far more serious disease known as the Joneses that seems to plague the Pink Mafia and leave the PMHQ at skeleton crew levels. Despite the obvious these are the days when more can be accomplished as there are less people to interfere with great planning, cunning will, and grandiosity. When we think of these things it can only mean one person in all of Megalopolis to take full advantage of them, and you guessed it boys and girls but this looks like a job for Superdaddyman!

Devoid of such rotten inhibitors of great planning {like conscience, scruples, fair mindedness, tact, etc etc etc} the Superdaddyman appeared at the gates of the PMHQ this beautiful morning to see that hardly any cars inhabited the parking lot. These sort of scenarios can go either way of course and the Superdaddyman was prepared for just about anything as he carried in the two things he needed in any event. The first of which being the trusty Superdaddylaptop {in case it truly was that boring with nobody to spy on his doings} and of course his list of excuses {in case anyone thought that it was a good idea for him to “fill in” in certain locations} and he entered the building along with his daily theme music “I know just how to whisper, And I know just how to cry; I know just where to find the answers; And I know just how to lie. I know just how to fake it, And I know just how to scheme; I know just when to face the truth, And then I know just when to dream.” Oh yes, where he would be without his fucking theme music.

Oh we do have a bit of a challenge today boys and girls as it would have never occurred to the Superdaddyman that the co-conspirator that runs the morning talk show would stoop to getting Air Supply {note to all Australians reading this – there’s an export you can have back!} stuck in the head of this great crime fighter, but it appears to have happened. “And I know just where to touch you, And I know just what to prove; I know when to pull you closer, And I know when to let you loose. And I know the night is fading, And I know that times gonna fly; And I’m never gonna tell you everything Ive got to tell you, But I know I’ve got to give it a try.” {Oh God, this makes the whole Paul Hogan kick seem like nothing!} and with that is become apparent that all other crime fighting must come to a stand still while the Caped Pervader deals with a much fiercer enemy than anyone should have to face alone! His own Brain! {Insert that hideous screaming from the studio audience sound effect here}

With so little Mafioso throughout PMHQ today it is a daunting task for Superdaddyman to set up booby traps ... um ... obstacles ... um no that doesn't fit right ... clean ... yes clean the PMHQ especially when he is at the same time dedicating a large majority of his mental resources towards eliminating the chaos in his own head! The natural tie in was to go for “I remember all my life .. Raining down as cold as ice .. A shadow of a man .. A face through a window .. Crying in the night .. The night goes into .. Morning, just another day .. Happy people pass my way .. Looking in their eyes .. I see a memory .. I never realized .. you made me so happy, oh Mandy” {thank GOD the tone deaf lesbian isn’t working today as walking around singing this song will convert her} but after a few rounds of that he realized that it was this horrible Air Supply-Barry Manilow jam session going on in his head now and as you all are sitting there cringing right now from the sheer horror of it, just imagine having this horror reined down upon you like the Superdaddyman has to face!

Fighting along our brave young {coughbullshitcough} super hero does what he can to make it from point A to point B in the hopeless fight to create the very chaos necessary to keep the dreaded Pink Mafia at bay for the sake of humanity at large. “Well you came and you gave without taking .. but I sent you away, oh Mandy .. well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking .. I need you today, oh Mandy” {stay strong Superdaddyman!} won’t turn the hell off now, but the mission continues. The first point of attack is in sight as the line truck sits unattended by the end of the line. “Baby we can talk all night .. But that ain’t getting us no where .. I told you everything I possibly can .. There’s nothing left inside of here .. And maybe you can cry all night .. But that’ll never change the way that I feel .. The snow is really piling up outside .. I wish you wouldn’t make me leave here” {Oh kill me anything but Meatloaf!!!} and within sight is the coveted garage door opener that that asshole stole from the Superdaddymobile {PMHQ model} that needs to be reclaimed! The trick is to do the Indiana Jones style swap before any of the line crew notices that the Superdaddyman has taken it back and exchanged it for the once broken, now doctored {muahahahahaha} one that he has in his shirt pocket.

The light is on in the tree house which signals to the Caped Pervader that there is a meeting with King George the Blind {oh hell that could go on for 3 hours as he gives one overblown story about when he was their age after another} so Superdaddyman spots a window of opportunity. “I poured it on and I poured it out .. I tried to show you just how much I care .. I’m tired of words and I’m too hoarse to shout .. But you’ve been cold to me so long .. I’m crying icicles instead of tears .. And all I can do is keep on telling you .. I want you .. I need you .. But there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you .. Now don’t be sad .. cause two out of three ain’t bad .. Now don’t be sad .. cause two out of three ain’t bad” {Fuck meatloaf but hold onto that song before the death song gets in there be strong Superdaddyman for the fate of Megalopolis!} With the remotes securely swapped our hero sneaks away quickly so’s not to be spotted. The only thing to do now is wait for the signal.

It had been a miserable two hours of hearing “I remember every little thing .. As if it happened only yesterday .. Parking by the lake .. And there was not another car in sight .. And I never had a girl .. Looking any better than you did .. And all the kids at school .. They were wishing they were me that night” {the song that never ends and in almost 30 years never got any better either} blaring in the back of the Superdaddybrain. As Superdaddyman sits on the front steps of PMHQ smoking a cigarette {um … as part of his super secret disguise boys and girls … smoking is beneath a super hero} he watches as Paco Taco comes running out the door and starts kicking the tires on his Trooper and yelling obscenities as he has just about every 20 minutes for the last couple of hours. This activity pleases the Superdaddyman and leaves Paco Taco to assume that he had been had somehow.

Again he jams his key into the lock to unlock the door, and turn off his engine that keeps spontaneously starting and then a few minutes later the doors lock on him. Superdaddyman was happy to hold up both of his hands and show him that he had nothing to do with it while the engine started again right after he had gotten out of the thing from turning it off, and of course the doors locked right after he got into it again. His rage was only ten times worse as he threw his remote car starter and door locker remote against the side of the building because it picked today of all days to stop working. The Superdaddyman just smiled as he walked back inside knowing full well that the thing was working great inside the line truck remote. “And now our bodies are oh so close and tight .. It never felt so good, it never felt so right .. And were glowing like the metal on the edge of a Knife .. Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife .. Cmon! hold on tight! .. Cmon! hold on tight! .. Though its cold and lonely in the deep dark night .. I can see paradise by the dashboard light” {UGH!}

It finally came that time when the Superdaddyman was forced to leave PMHQ North and go to PMHQ South and load the flatbeds that nobody else can do. The life of a dexterous Super Hero is not all that it is cracked up to be, but the Superdaddyman is not without a soul as he had finally told King George about a half hour before this what had been happening so that he may find it in himself to allow Paco Taco to have his own remote back. Superdaddyman was just about to exit the parking lot when he saw Paco Taco come running out of the PMHQ holding his keys in front of him as the engine was running on his vehicle, which prompted the Superdaddyman to wonder if King George decided to continue the game, or his memory had finally gotten that bad. Being one of the people that has sat through the intimate details of his childhood, his first job, his last job, his parents, every super bowl and the stats of every Patriots player EVER, and the very hideous details of his sex life while trying to clean his office every day the Superdaddyman is left to believe, his sense of humor is still intact ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes& Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of J~ Crow}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

All writings Copyright © 2007

Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest