Friday, May 25, 2007

MAP Trek III - The Search for Shytter! - Part 1

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Stardate a1anda2-69 Captains log USS Pink Mafia ... It was a rather bright and warm day for deep space as the USS Ford Focus docks itself to the diabolical space station PMHQ {Pink Mafia Headquarters} deploying our brave young super hero .. um .. space crusader Crowsis to another day of deep space reorganization. Upon entering the promenade of the space station the usual utterance of orders from the inhabitants {Idiotans} of the last outpost {oh trust us on that one} along the black hole of life was that there had been an attack by an old nemesis of Crowsis. The darkest of evil in Deep Space PMHQ at that, for his ability to attack without provocation or logical end games rivals that of Imtoocutus of Borg! This fiendish space trash known as The Mad Shitter … um … Darth Mad Shitter, has been an uknown entity for as long as Crowsis has been patrolling this quadrant of deep space! Such news always comes with a cringe to Crowsis as he knows that it means a good hard round of decontamination that is never any fun. Never fear boys and girls there always is amusement at these times assuming you have a strong stomach.

It was at the gateway of “Throne Room” where Darth Mad Shitter usually strikes our hero Crowsis denotes that the giggling of certain Kings and other nare do wells must be met with certain caution as he never knows if it is an opportunity to do harm or get harm. The first on the scene of course was Darth Taco as he can never stray to far from anything that potentially can create embarrassment or even slight discomfort to Crowsis. Darth Mad Shitter for those who have not been following along is a secretive pile of space trash that likes to use their own fecal material as a weapon and with great effectiveness. Upon placing their own defecation on their fingers they then frolic throughout the “Throne Room” smearing it on all of the handles to the toilets ... um ... thrones, faucets and doors. Many an Idiotan has assumed that this is a way to get under the skin of Crowsis as he is forced to deal with the clean up operations and Darth Taco of course is one of them. Most know though that Darth Taco rarely thinks about anything before he assumes though.

“So you mean to tell me that you think Darth Mad Shitter is out to get me?” Crowsis asks Darth Taco while his maniacal giggling continues as he watches Crowsis get the decontamination supplies, “I mean it is gross and it pisses me off and all, but you and everyone else are the ones who come in here and put your fingers all over the contaminated areas. You then of course don't wash your hands and then shove food in your mouths all night well before you even find out that you have had your fingers in someone’s shit,” and after watching Darth Taco turn the right shade of green adds at the end, “I put on blue gloves whenever I come in here and I have the decontamination stuff to put on my hands when I am done, and you seem to think that it is funny now that you know about it, well after the fact?” With that he watched Darth Taco run into the “Throne Room” to use the “Thrones” with the opposite end of his body. The moron will probably flush after and not even bother to wash his hands still.

Of course even after everyone found out about Darth Mad Shitter, not one person bothered to clean it off themselves. As they always do they whined about it, told about a third of the Idiotans that were patrolling the space station, and simply let the other two thirds keep sticking their fingers in crap. Yep, Crowsis really got the worst of this didn’t he as he had to clean it up with his gloves on, and the proper decontamination equipment? Again Crowsis wishes Darth Taco a wonderful day and asks him if he remembered to wash his hands after sneezing with both his hands over his face. Darth Taco says the customary “Fuck You!” {Idiotan for “Have a nice day”} and disappears to his star cruiser the USS Isuzu Trooper to leave star dock for the night as he had only waited around assuming that he could have a laugh at Crowsis. Crowsis thought that was very nice of him to have that laugh.

As Crowsis was decontaminating the “Throne Room” he could hear the faint and distant voice of the mentor that had taught him the art of evilling, “Use the Force Crow!” and his mind was trying to get a grasp on the meaning. “Use the Force Crow!”

“Could this be some sort of sign that I know how to catch Darth Mad Shitter if I use the evilling skills that Master Owly Wahn Kayummy has instilled in me all these years?” Crowsis started thinking to himself until he heard the faint voice again “Use the Force Crow!” and that made him think to look down at his communicator {powered by Nextel} and realized that he was just getting communications from her. Good he was about to tell the voices to shut up and get back in the Tales of Tease blogs where she belongs, this is a Star Trek rip off and there are too many Star Wars clones invading it as there is. The union is going to be pissed off after all! {Mental Note – Better do one of those Tales of Tease blogs pretty soon *drools* so that Owly Wahn can be featured properly!}

Seriously though it is the fact that Owly Wahn Kayummy comes from the far off planet of Oz makes her the perfect Kaipod to teach Crowsis how to use true Jedi mind fucking abilities on the simpletons that inhabit Deep Space PMHQ. {I can hear the words of encouragement from Master Kayummy now that sounds rather like “Bite Me Crow!” as she reads of her wonderful role in today’s tale} In all reality she could sell these morons shit and tell them it is candy bars and they would be repeat customers, and her ability to evil is delicious … um … awe inspiring! With that said the light bulb went off over the head of young Master Crowsis {damnit we totally lost the Trek to Wars barrier didn’t we} and he was off to start perpetrating the very Jedi Mind control stunts that it would require to pull off The Search for Darth Mad Shitter!

Will young Master Crowsis finally defeat Darth Mad Shitter? Will Owly Wahn kick the ever loving shit out of him for talking about her in a blog? Will he forget about this stupid story and simply write another Tales of Tease instead? Will he ever be able to write one of these stupid things and keep it Star Trek based and get off of the cheap laughs of Star Wars gags? Will this Batman style ending ever end? … Find out in the next exciting edition of MAP Trek III – The Search for Shytter! In other words … To Be Continued

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest