Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Livin' With Evils's - Volume 29

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It should have been a simple evening for me really. I had it all planned out and was simply waiting for the plan to take effect when something really evil happened smack dab in the middle of it that changed my ability to deal with what I had assumed would be the known. Disharmony is the word of the day because no matter how well my intentions truly were there were three problems that interfered with it like these same problems appear to interfere with everything. In no particular order these problems are explained sort of like this …

Darius Franklin - named after the king of Persia during the bible years and his lovable father’s middle name ... Code Name "Captain ADHD" aka “Middle Evil” ... phylum "Ididntdoit" - greatest contributions to the world thus far - Has eliminated any threats to the household that may enter through the back yard, by capturing any and all intruders {usually frogs, some salamanders, various insects, and a particularly slow moving chipmunk} and storing them in numerous forms of prisons, usually without air holes - Future great moments should include … The rolling news footage of him holding the entire Earth hostage with some sort of giant magnifying glass, for a ransom that will include 1 Meeeelllliiiiooooooonnnn Dollars, only to be thwarted by Superdaddyman at the last minute, because of some comical mishap that will probably be during his long drawn out explanation of his ingenious plot.

Sabrina Lynn - named after the teenage witch on television, and the middle name of the witch who gave birth to her ... Code Name "Little Evil" aka “The Evil Binostopholese“ ... phylum "Imtoocutus" - greatest contributions to the world thus far - Has often been known to put on the charm to get Superdaddyman dates, and if the need be … out of them as well - Future great moments should include - The death and ruination of Captain ADHD should Superdaddyman fail in his obligations, followed by the headlines “Girl Wonder takes Down The Lex Luthor of Our Time!”.

Szarah Jacqueline - named by a 15 year old who desperately wanted her new toy to be cool, a Z was placed behind the S to create a feeling of uniqueness {Later on it was discovered that in Turkish Szarah means “princess” so that is what I tell her} ... Code Name "Big Evil" aka “The Master Planner“ ... phylum "Lazius Boycrazius" - greatest contributions to the world thus far - Has tested Superdaddyman’s serenity with such wonderful contributions as menstruation discussion, and often maxi pad disposal issues - Future great moments should include - This will be the person to create the situation, that will probably end up in the death of Captain ADHD at the hands of Imtoocutus “Mystery woman on the scene was spotted giving Imtoocutus noogies, and Captain ADHD has fallen!”.

Now that the cast of characters is set I must take you back a few days to when one of The Superdaddyman’s greatest ever partners in crime {The Hemispherically Challenged One} manages to get her hands on a super secret copy of a movie that the Superdaddyman had wanted to have in his possession. {for scientific reasons of course} The evils’s were all excited to know that the Caped Pervader had burned it onto a DVD for them to enjoy while everyone else was still standing in line at the theatre to see it. The top secret movie that we shall simply call Superdaddyman 3 {You know, where the bad guy from the first movie kinda comes back, there is another one kinda made out of dirt, and then there is a bad version of Superdaddyman that wears black} and the sheer excitement of getting to see it before all of their evil associates at school was a little too difficult for their underdeveloped criminal minds.

First the battle ensued over which lair it was to be viewed in for the bulk of the time before they were to be strapped to the table for their evening gruel. That was followed by their refusal to eat their evening gruel, and wondering why the time necessary to view the entire flick was dwindling away, followed by them making damn sure that they picked the lair closest to the Superdaddycave so that their screaming over the movie would drive everyone’s favorite superhero up the wall! By the time the feature presentation was about to air the fighting and arguing had ensued to the point where Imtoocutus was crying like someone had tried to stab her, Captain ADHD was perfectly willing to stab her, and Lazius Boycrazius was sitting on them both to get them to stop kicking her. This was all over the copy of Superdaddyman 3 that they had been begging to see, and they actually wonder why the Superdaddyman doesn’t furlough them to the movie theatre very often?

After the Superdaddyman used his favorite form of torture tactics on them {the long boring monotone lecture of excruciating boredom which leads to agony in anyone … ask around} it was now almost time for the little heathens to be in their own lairs for quiet TV time.

The Superdaddyman was not very happy as what should have been a joyous event had reduced all of his own work time down to nothing, and at this point he hadn’t even been able to do any of his writing etc BUT he decided to give them one more chance “Survivor” Style! Of course the tribal council would consist of just one member and the only way he was getting voted off the island is if the tribal council in his own head voted him off because the Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s {TOKE} had finally driven it to no other alternative. We’re not really sure if the opening credits were finished to the movie yet before the screaming started. It was the usual of course as Imtoocutus had decided that she could only be comfortable if she laid down in a manner that would pin the other two to the wall, and they retaliated by sitting on her. In this instance the “Tribal Council of One” in this benevolent dictatorship, put out the torch of Imtoocutus and sent her off the island. Had she been better at picking new strategies to commit chaos she might have talked her way out of it but this was an old gig.

The Superdaddyman was pleased to bang out another Demi-Chapter of “The Twins of Kane” so that he could post SOMETHING as his nightly blog before the chaos erupted again. Captain ADHD had decided that he was furious with Lazius Boycrazius and was throwing her out of his room. The rule of thumb in this instance is usually that his diabolical little brain had determined that he was bored with Superdaddyman 3 {even though Superdaddyman hadn’t even been enveloped by the black suit yet} and was now going to play a game of “Do as I say, or you won’t get to see the end of this movie” and the plan was being executed perfectly except for one problem. The “Tribal Council of One” practically invented this game when he is too lazy to do his own chores and the evils’s want to use his X-Box. The problem being that it was Captain ADHD’s lair, and there was really no way to boot him out of it. Captain ADHD’s torch was put out and he was sent to sleep in Imtoocutus’s room {with the pink Barbie on everything thus making him wail in the agony of being subjected to a girls room} and Imtoocutus was sent to sleep in the top bunk of Lazius Boycrazius’s room thus causing her to wail in the agony of having to share her room with a little creep. Any well trained crime fighter knows that the “fairness doctrine” covers these sorts of things based on the fact that she probably instigated a lot of this anyway!

Upon the ending of the movie the Superdaddyman sent Lazius Boycrazius up to her room to listen to her 40lbs of Paul Bunyan sawing down the Rocky Mountains worth of trees. The Superdaddyman stretched out back down in the underworld where he could almost pretend that he was a bachelor again since all of his tenants down there were sentenced to the upstairs for the night. Upon finishing up all of his oline duties he was able to go crawl into the Superdaddybed early and get some much needed extra sleep. It was a wonderful plan until he was awoken by little fingers tapping on his head, “Daddy? Are you asleep?” ;8o)

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

All writings Copyright © 2007

Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest