Saturday, May 5, 2007

Livin' With Evils's - Volume 28

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The one thing that sucks most when training your wild animals is the innate nature that they have to test the boundaries based on their specific areas of expertise. Imtoocutus will inherently test your sanity based on her designation of “the baby” and she will be inclined to press any and all buttons necessary to create the type of chaos that makes her feel better. Captain ADHD will always have the need to test his own boundaries by sheer tenacity, whether it be getting past parental blocks on a computer or simply the need to get past the locks on the backyard fence. Lazius Boycrazius on the other hand will always test her boundaries by doing absolutely nothing at all. Here’s a typical day in the life of a wild animal trainer that we have known as Superdaddyman as to explain it all better.

Now bearing in mind that Superdaddyman didn’t have it to bad today as he was able to get most of his chores done and spend a good deal of time talking to a very important old friend, but while he was otherwise occupied the stage was being set for the typical explosion of caged animal angst. The chain of events started off innocently enough as the big lazy one walked down the stairs carrying a tick in her hands. She was trying to demonstrate to me that Imtoocutus {the little loud one} had managed to accumulate this year’s first tick. The prize for this is a bath, and a good long talk about going outside the yard confines where we were able to spray for these things. The idiocy of walking around with a tick crawling around your hand goes without saying, so I told her to start a tick bag {zip lock bag that you throw the ticks in to suffocate over time or until you feel like throwing them into nail polish remover, whichever comes first} but in any regards it just seems idiotic. Needless to say this had been going on all day as I had forgotten that she was not allowed to leave her room until it was clean.

With that said the little loud one had found her newest way to drive the neurotic evil genius in the middle to flip the hell out by simply walking over and touching him. He would go into instant screaming convulsions over the thought of getting ticks on himself from her, and in other words she had him right where she wanted him. The big lazy one had found her way over to his computer and was playing around on Myspace while the Superdaddyman {that being me} was occupied talking through the computer and trying to write. Plans fail as the hero of this story {that would be me, note by the toothy grin} is forced to go down and break up the screaming over the inevitable ticks {aka cooties} being transferred from the usually louder one to the now louder one. It hit me like a ton of bricks that the big lazy one was supposed to be upstairs cleaning her room which she hadn’t been all day, and I was so furious I lost my voice.

With that said I looked at Lazius Boycrazius who already has no television, no computer, no radio, no rights to go hang out with her friends, no clue, no motivation, and has basically lived a life like this for going on 2 years as anyone who reads these things will tell you. I finally popped my top and stated that she will not get food until her room is clean. Ah yes, even such awe inspiring super heroes like the Superdaddyman are forced to use torture tactics to get a point across, and upstairs she went. I am quite happy to announce that she could miss a few meals and be perfectly fine as that is probably what it is going to take. Her complete and utter laziness is bad even for a 14 year old criminal. As she was gone the little loud one decided that she was going to go upstairs and was told that she was barred to the entertainment room. She goes where the action is and knew that the big lazy one was on the verge of losing it and she wanted to be there to push the button.

With the big lazy distraction gone I was down to just two screaming little creeps driving on my sanity, but at least the ring leader was missing to orchestrate it getting to the point of wanting death and dismemberment. The two of them formed a sort of alliance to make the most of their evilling abilities, and the plan would work like this. They both separated to different rooms and started doing their own thing. This plan of action brought me {the hero of the story} into a lulled sense of calm that would make the crash from it all that more appetizing to a couple of little wild animals that feed off of despair. When all appeared to be calm and civil and I {meaning the hero in all this} started throwing myself into writing again they pounced. The screaming started over one kicking the other one and then that one needing to charge into the other room to start whacking the other one with a paper towel tube. The screaming just filled the entire house and came out of nowhere and forced me {the dysfunctional challenged one} to have to pull my head from the ceiling after going strait up into it. Charging down the stairs I was able to find both of the two of them on an 8 foot wide futon both crammed into the same one foot section at the end swearing that they each had that spot and whacking each other with various objects.

Separation was in order at this point but we need to inject another unnerving factor into all of this which would come in the form of the really big, old and whiney one upstairs who had proclaimed about an hour previous that she was taking a nap. Loosely translated this means, “There shall be silence in my areas of the house or ELSE” and the or else meaning, I will throw so much guilt on your head and act like a whiney martyr that you will have no other recourse then to open up your wrists in the shower, and you deserve it to! This doesn’t translate well as sending the little but very loud one up to her room would mean that she is directly across the hall from the really big, old and whiney one, who does NOT close her door because it is her house damnit! The middle one with the overactive brain’s bedroom is right next to the entertainment room where they were both busted fighting and that makes it very hard to separate them as there is no door between the two. I could sentence the little one to my bedroom next to the middle evil’s but then that would be a big score for her, as she would break everything I own thinking that being cute will save her from it.

Now with all of that said I am nothing but thrilled as I {the good one} spent a good deal of the morning making peace negotiations with the big whiney one over her daughter, the other big whiney one, and her husband, the other big lazy one moving into this place where I can’t even separate two evil little bastards when I need to. By discussing I actually mean her justifying and me sitting here and stewing. That’s the difference between human beings and wild animals after all is in the fact that you can talk to your cat and you can assume that you make a compelling argument but the second you stop petting it, it isn’t even pretending to hear you anymore. This doesn’t actually mean it ever heard you to begin with, but you made it feel better and hopefully in turn you feel better in the belief that it heard you. I don’t even have that on my side as I know that nobody in this house has heard me for years, and it is only getting worse. ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes& Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of J~ Crow}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

All writings Copyright © 2007

Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest