Saturday, May 26, 2007

A Day in the Life of Imtoocutus - Volume 1

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It wasn’t a bad night after all but I had promised the youngest daughter that I was going to take her out for something really special tonight because I had to miss the Daddy/Daughter dance last weekend. Those who didn’t know I was so gravely ill last week that I couldn’t talk {and those saying it was a blessing … bite me} and was more concerned with contaminating the parents at the dance. Kids as any parent knows deserves it for all of the diseases they bring home to us. Having come off of a very difficult work week and the exhaustion didn’t help either. Well it stands to reason that I promised her that she would get a date tonight and like any 6 year old with her daddy, she never left me forget it all week. They never seem to remember the things that don’t benefit them do they?

I asked her what she wanted to do and she chose “A Restaurant with a real waitress,” so I determined that that meant Pizza Hut. Around here they are pretty fancy places really as they are called “Pizza Hut – Real Italian Bistro” so we got dressed up a bit and picked on the other two as they were going to stay home and eat cooking from a woman that is half Scottish and half British {Food looks God awful and smells really bad but fortunately has no flavor whatsoever} while we were going out! I am going to contrast this to my last real date that I had which involved a dinner just so that everyone can get a good idea of what I am talking about here.

My date tonight was excited and ended up running out and waiting 15 minutes in the car until I finally dragged my lazy ass out there to leave. My last real date {blind} the woman in question came out complaining like mad because I had brought the Minivan instead of the Eclipse, and did that the entire drive to the restaurant. This date couldn’t keep her hands off of me as she hugged me every few minutes to remind me that she loved her daddy. The last date sat at the table and didn’t shut up until well after the meal was served and the entire topic was about how she hated children. Would have been somewhat tolerable if she hadn’t actually known I was a single father with 3 kids. This dinner cost me 15.85 for Pizza two salads, a Pepsi, and a coffee, and after the tip came to a whopping 22 dollars even. That date cost me somewhere in the ballpark of 70 dollars, I can barely remember what I ate but my “date” got pretty drunk, and wasn’t exactly a “happy” drunk.

The last real get out and go to dinner date ended after dinner as I finally took her drunken, mouthy ass home after she started complaining because I had tickets to go see “Fiddler on the Roof” and she thought plays were stupid. I then went and picked up my best friend who happens to be a lesbian and she spent the better part of the night trying to find me another date to replace the last one. This dinner ended with my daughter thinking up anything she possibly could to just stay out longer so the two of us went to the beach and took photos of all kinds of different things with the camera phone and sent them out to Australia. The whole way home she ecstatically thanked me for the greatest night of her 6 years on earth. She then proceeded to show the pictures to her great grandmother since she figured out how to use the phone media player and passed out with a smile on her face from all the excitement about a half an hour before her bedtime.

I guess the long and the short of it all is that I am finally getting better at this whole “dating” thing and with that I would like to point out to anyone out there that there is hope for any of us after all. Have a great Memorial Day weekend everyone ;8o)

Conclusion to MAP Trek tomorrow … been a really busy day if you couldn’t tell ;-)

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, fuck ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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Jeremy Fink and The Crow's Nest