Sunday, April 29, 2007

Deadly Sins Therapy - Volume 12

Disclaimer – This is going to be one of those amazingly honest and blindingly so blogs from a very sick man. It is in your best interest to understand that with that will come a rather large amount of issues that the average {or for lack of a better word “normal” unlike the writer … make note the brutally honesty commentary is usually inside these things} person just doesn’t want to see. Again we feel the need to point out that Jeremy Crow is a rather demented individual that can’t be trusted alone with a copy of Microsoft Word {not to mention a VCR, women wearing stockings and very short dresses, razor blades, whipped cream, bullies, most flowers that start with the letter C, and of course MySpace} and if you cannot handle the sort of things that he is about to write it is probably a good idea to step away from the blog now, and nobody is going to get hurt. We leave you with the following closing message that crying to your spouse, your ex spouse, your hairdresser, your mommy, CT admin, the bouncers, Nancy Pelosi, or even George W. Bush will not excuse the fact that YOU my friend are an idiot for reading past here after you were warned. {Hell Gene Simmons Should Sue Me Too!} Thank you and have a nice day … The Madman at the Switch

Today I wake up again with an erection that won’t go away no matter what I do to it {oh maybe that was supposed to be in here} and had to piss like nobody’s business. Actually I guess it is everyone’s business now, so I might as well continue. Usually during situations like this you simply turn on QVC and hope that one of the really hot hostesses with the open toed shoes is selling ankle bracelets and deal with the issue but the impending need to urinate made that all but impossible. The damn cholesterol medication has given me nothing but useless boners for weeks now, and this is what I get for not cutting down on my coffee or peeing before I go to bed. The task at hand now is to get to the bathroom, and find a way to get the urine from out of me and into the toilet in a confined space. Simply bending it down is not an option for me at the moment for I may have an easier time lifting the toilet about 6 feet into the air and hoping my aim is good. The pain in any regard is enough to make me see starts so I had to go to the usual plan of attack which is to place my face on the back of the water reservoir and pray that the urine goes into the toilet bent over like that.

Now I just got done totally redoing my bathroom yesterday because my daughter {the little one} has been having the trots so bad that just about the only place she doesn’t go these days is in the toilet, and it finally got to the point where I didn’t feel comfortable enough that I was cleaning it up properly, so a new toilet seat had to be purchased yesterday. With the responsibility of putting anything new in the bathroom, my raging case of OCD kicked in meaning that I had to get a new EVERYTHING, and remodel. So as I am desperately trying not to get piss all over my sparkling new bathroom, the irony is endless. I just thank God that my doctor confirmed that the other nerve is growing back into my spine so that I can discontinue the blue and pink pills that would be making this all that much more uncomfortable, and despite all the jokes about the green pills .. NO THANK YOU!

I sat here most of the morning with no pants on and a towel on my lap so that when the kids come running through my office en route to wherever the hell it is they are going during “Operation Bug Daddy” that they don’t have to deal with the shocking reality that their father had somehow grown a third leg. Despite how uncomfortable it has been my testosterone levels helped me to bang out {damn that’s a good pun there} a lot of writing and artwork this morning, but I think it had a lot more to do with the fear of standing up from the computer. This turned to sheer terror as I note that I had been sitting here long enough to not even contemplate that I somehow had to squeeze into my nice slacks that fit me great 30 pounds ago, but now are uncomfortable without an erection to go to Church where God probably doesn’t want me to walk around with one either! After making adjustments carefully under the towel, I was able to get up and go grab the dress slacks off of the hanger and start the tremendous effort necessary to squeeze my {ok I am sick of saying it} and my belly into them at the same time. Surprisingly enough, I was able to get into them ok and {thank God for pleats} it wasn’t that uncomfortable. Actually come to think of it, the pants fit pretty good for the first time in months, which will lead me to even more disgusting revelations {see disclaimer above and multiply by 2} which I of course am going to share.

It appears as I have lived practically the life of a vegetarian these last few weeks because of the cholesterol issues I may have actually lost some weight. Now in analyzing these we have to apply some honesty here as I looked down and admired that I actually have abdominal muscles again, so let’s compute. The fact that I have been a total vegetable induced gas bag all this time {and it has appeared to leave and form in my shmekie … sorry still can’t say any other word for it} which then led to the inevitable lack of time away from the toilet alleviating gas pain, may have been the best abdominal routine ever! Hell I even took a moment to admire the fact that I took my first real solid poop in weeks today {after I lost the boner thank God} and maybe my body is used to not eating food that makes me happy … um … I mean dealing with my health issues. I dragged that dusty old scale out of my grandmother’s cupboard and stood on it to see that I lost 14 pounds. Not bad, so I guess there is a silver lining in it all.

Church was the usual misery and torture that I have come to expect from it with an added caveat, and that being the fear of looking at anyone! The fact that I don’t have the uncomfortable feeling back in my slacks at the moment is borrowed time and I know it, so even the slightest look at any of the church women crossing their legs or doing the foot wag as they are as bored as I am in here will make it nearly impossible to stand up from the pew at the end. My lack of “mad cap dash” to get the fuck out of church at the end will alert everyone to stare at me and make it far worse, I am sure. Why doesn’t it work this way when you are naked with someone? Hell all the staring and looking bewildered is a sure fire way NOT to have this problem I am having today after all isn’t it? Chalk another one up on my list of things that is out to get me along with, my kids, my coworkers, my grandmother, and now my own shmekie, but I will use the words of that famous hate monger from the radio {Don Imus} “It’s when it doesn’t stand at attention that you have a problem,” and simply end this madness now before I start talking about running around with buckets from last weekend again ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} Mental Rants & Political Rage {For Those That Like His Political Rantings} Mental Imagry & Random Perversion {Adult Stories .. Assume they are rated X} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog} Jeremy Crow on Twitter {For The Easily Amused} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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